Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

Are you adopted?

You don’t think that adopters, who don’t get to clock off before 5pm each day, don’t build an extensive network of fellow adopters who all report the same issues? Crikey, this is why children’s social care is absolutely down the pan.

I am not but 3 close family members are.

The sanctimonious attitude from ‘professionals’ on this thread is gross. The vast majority of them do it for a job only and would never have what it takes to be an adoptive parent.

I would imagine that there’s also a lot of concern around where the support around contact would come from? How children are safeguarded. Support for adopter, adoptees and birth parents is abysmal and even the legal requirements are often not met (and yes the Local authorities do have a legal duty of care to ALL parties involved)

I am a birth mum and tbh I can completely understand why adoptive parents are against face to face because it is highly likely to be emotive and cause trauma to resurface and questions to be asked. Without the correct support in place contact is highly likely to breakdown - we see this happens with letterbox and I have repeatedly had to chase letters to get them as the letterbox service lost multiple letters and failed to forward letters on to my sons parents.

I am also mindful of where the birth parents might be on their journey, their chaotic lifestyles potentially, how accepting of the adoption they are and any other challenges present. There has to be consideration in place with face to face as to whether it is best and safe for everyone.

Another one with the equivalent of ‘I’ve got a black friend…’ 😂

Good grief , so if I'm not adopted I have no experience at all and know nothing about very close family members ?Righto.

But I’ve got lots of black friends so can completely speak on their behalf as a white person- I know them very well after all. Actually, just no. A lot of professionals and commentators on this thread are just like this.

@patroclusandachilles, thank you for your comment to the bigot. I could not find the polite words or share information of my own experiences. Without to without outing myself if shared my experiences.

I can speak on behalf of my relatives and their experiences yes, in their case it it definitely wasn't the best thing not to have contact with their birth parents,even minimal contact would've stopped the fantasies of a different life. You don't get to speak on behalf of everyone.

How do you feel about adoptees maintaining contact with the extended birth family, @Popcornhero ? See in cases where the birth parents are chaotic (or dead), but the grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins are all stable and loving and want to be involved.

Are you supportive or this or do you think it should be a totally clean break?

https://homeforgood.org.uk/statistics

• At the end of March 2025 there were 4,115 new approved fostering households. The total number of applications this year was slightly lower than last year (8,290, down from 8,485).19
• There are now 56,345 approved foster carers in England. This is a 1% decrease from last year (57,065) and a 12% decrease since 2021 (63,890).20

Adoption

• In 2025, 9% (n=3,040) of children in care were adopted, an increase of 20 children from 2024.21
• The average age at adoption is now 3 years and 2 months, a decrease of two months from last year.22
• In 2025, the average time between entering care and placement for adoption remained at 1 year and 7 months, as it has since 2023. A further average of 9 months is then required for the adoption order to be granted and the adoption to be finalised.23
• As of June 2025, 2,940 children were waiting for adoption, representing a 1% increase since the previous year. Nearly half (49%) had been waiting for 18 months or more, an increase of 4% compared with last year.24

Some stats. I like stats.

Children deserve to be well looked after and loved. I am pleased that there are people who do this. A friend of mine was in foster care from being very young and moved many times, until he was looked after by an amazing lady who gave him a stable life for his teenage years. He is eternally grateful to her for the support she gave him.

That’s where we fundamentally disagree- I would not speak on behalf of my relatives. At all. I have two non blood related siblings, also adopted, and would not even claim to speak for them. You are presumptuous there. I hope they don’t get wind of you speaking for them. They might not appreciate it.

By your logic only black people should speak about anti-black racism, only Jews about antisemitism?

There’s a big difference between speaking for a group you are not part of and representing the experience of individuals you know well. And you know that.

I don’t think it’s necessary that one set of knowledge is better than another - the social worker is still subjective, still viewing things through their own lens (incl training, prior cases etc). These are just different sets of anecdotal data.

These are primarily fostering statistics. Adoption and fostering are not the same. If you like statistics, here you are.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0kdv1x83gko

There are no fairy tales in adoption.

My adopted teenager has so many greater needs than attachment or birth family. Diagnosed ASD, possible FASD, memory and processing difficulties. He is so vulnerable, but it is hidden behind a stroppy teen persona. He is a masker.

He goes to a school with over 1200 students and he is just lost. The school dont get it and rhey are just to stretcherld to meet his need, even with an EHCP.

What would / would have helped: OT from an early age, school support, financial support at times. Support for me in naintaining my health.

Contact is so down the list of practical things that would make outcomes better for my son. It just feels like another rod to beat us with, during a time where post adoption support and services are being removed.

Love your user name. You are seen and heard here. Sending you solidarity.

One of things that has struck me is that from my understanding there is no support for parents post adoption, and yet they want to dictate certain aspects of you life. They can’t have it both ways can they.

That was horrible to go through. Nightmare.
I always eye roll on SN threads when pp’s suggest passing your bio a child over to the state to protect siblings, like it is an easy option without severe consequences.

And another one with numbers in for you.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cjrj0vxnxqjo

But you are rather purporting speaking on behalf of adoptees in general, even if you didn’t intend your perspective to come across that way.

No, there is no meaningful support. And, as evidenced from this thread, everyone thinks they are the experts in adoption. Especially the professionals’. Because their years of caseloads is far superior and far more holistic than your years of living with adopted children. I’m glad that people here can see what we have to contend with now.

Above all else any contact should only be occurring if it is in the best interests of a child. The minute an adopted child says they don’t want to have meet-ups, or letters, then that should be respected. Same as in foster care. If ‘family time’ (as ‘contact’ must now be called) causes emotional harm to the children then the family time arrangements should be changed in favour of what’s best for the children, not what’s best for the birth parents. At the same time, if increased visits would be beneficial to the children that should also be explored. Whether or not that happens often depends on the child’s social worker and their views on the matter.

One of the things I've found hardest is finding the right place to talk about it

I joined multiple adoption groups but often they are full of people answering with very young children, very close to placement or experiences of adoption 30 years ago. It seems hard to carve out a place for people in the midst of it with adopted preteens and teens.

Adopter groups often get a big portion of prospective adopters or people asking for "good news/ don't be dragging me down stories". There's a real concern of not giving a bad rap to prospective adopters as if that's somehow my responsibility

Often (as has happened in this thread imo) there becomes a real push for one type of narrative (some groups it's adoption is dreadful, others that its wonderful) and it's hard to get the nuances right

I know I'm part of the problem because eventually I leave after getting some odd advice or talked over by someone with either a 2 year old or a 30 year old then there's no current advice again

I know that's not adoption specific but generally other groups where you are talking about managing screen time for a 12 year old for example you'd get less advice from people who are thinking about having a baby, have toddlers, or grew up in the 80s

Its hard