Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

That’s great to hear about your son doing well at university.

How do you feel about letting people adoption has directly affected speak and listening to our lived experiences? Yes, adopted folks are diverse but you are neither an adoptee or adopter as far as I am aware? Or would you prefer to speak for us as you have done with your ‘friends’ here in this thread? As for your pretending that you wouldn’t mind being called Pebbles- I find that utterly laughable and frankly offensive, as you so clearly would never have found yourself in that unfortunate position. Maybe check your own middle class privilege - it’s showing here 😉

This is quite an eye opening thread
I know nothing about adoption
But I'm shocked that once adopted children have to stay in some sort of contact with the birth family .
I understood adoption to be ,that the birth family had no contact untill the child was 18 and then the child's choice .
If birth parents are staying in contact,and the child is meeting them ...well that's fostering surely..
Why are children being adopted,if the birth family are a suitable influence to stay in regular contact ..that should be a fostering situation
But as i said I know nothing about it ...I'm just surprised and thinking ,that must put people of adoption.

Several adoptees, me included, gave said that we feel that ongoing contact with birth families would not be in our best interests. This is not through ‘ignorance’ but through lived experience. Perhaps talk less, listen more.

So much hyperbole on this thread. Here is a link to a speech by Sir Andrew McFarlane, the president of the family division of the family court, where he talks about contact. I must admit it grinds my gears that he repeatedly talks about ‘natural parents’. I did write to Sir Andrew about this, to explain that I am in no way an ‘unnatural’ parent. I did get a very gracious reply!

https://www.judiciary.uk/speech-by-the-president-of-the-family-division-adapting-adoption-to-the-modern-world-part-two/

With adoption the birth family loses all parental responsibility.
A 2 hr meet once a year is very different from being fostered.
A 2hr meet once per year could reassure a child that their birth mum is still alive and OK, lets direct questions be asked and maybe helps reassure them that being adopted is better for them. It can stop fantasies growing in their head.

Hyperbole from who? Adopted people disagreeing with you?

Is that the official reason why they have contact .
Does it not make things worse for the child .
I just can't help thinking a clean break is best in an adoption situation and on going contact possible in foster situation
I just think meeting birth family once a year ,and having to walk away and not being allowed to live with the birth parents. Must be very hard for a child to understand
I don't know ,seems odd to me ,and very hard for the adoptive parents to manage the child's distress after

Woman I know addicted to heroin and crack recently had a baby which was automatically taken from her. She kept using drugs whilst pregnant and even bragged she didn’t want to go into labour sober.
Don’t see how it could be any positive to let her child see her regularly.
She also recently found her teenage niece who was adopted at birth (sister was also a drug addict) and seems to be doing her best to drag an innocent girl into her lifestyle

Those are anecdotal views.

Academic studies and informed data have brought adoption to this position. That's capturing the views and outcomes of a huge number of people, not just one or two who view it a certain way. I'm sorry your experience wasn't great but for many other people, perhaps the majority, it has been.

You know nothing about adoption or the conversations and decisions made by social services in that specific case. Your view is unhelpful and irrelevant.

I don’t think we are disagreeing at all?

Please don’t dismiss the lived experience of adoptive people so lightly. It reeks of middle class arrogance. Are you an adoptee or an adopter?

From what lofty position do you deliver your wisdom oh Great One? I’ll be very surprised if you are an adoptee. Perhaps you work in social work or a related field?

Yes, I don't doubt that and your views are probably more informed than the others that generally ignorant. But I will say that your experiences are anecdotal. I'm very sorry there are adoptive families and children who have had issues with ongoing birth family contact, but data and studies show that it is beneficial for adopted children to maintain that contacts and there are many, perhaps the majority, who that is true for.

Now it's descended to personal insults!

I will step back from this thread as there is still significant ignorance and entrenched misinformation. I reiterate for any prospective adopter to disregard the nonsense here and get proper advice.

Happy new year all 🎉

So not an adoptee or an adopter then- glad we clarified that 😉

100%. ^

And mate, if you think that’s a personal insult then you obviously haven’t been around as many birth families as you claim 😂

Yes this. ^ Regular contact with bio parents - for many adopted children - is a bloody terrible idea. As I said earlier, people can keep banging that drum for it, and speaking up for the bio parents, but the regular contact is very rarely in the best interests of the child, and it's certainly not good for the adoptive parents who have given a child a warm and loving home, and a secure and happy future.

As someone said much further back, the adoptive parents are no more than unpaid foster carers, when the child is adopted by them, but the bio parents are allowed to have regular contact whenever they want. Fuck that. As the OP said, no wonder the number of people wanting to adopt now is dropping.

If a family can't prioritise their dc's needs above their feelings, then I don't think they should be adopting tbh.

I work in the field and I haven't noticed any reduction in adoption stats.

The idea of adoption as a "fresh start" is a myth. We can't rewrite a dc's past and we shouldn't be trying to. It's important to the development of a child's identity to understand all the parts of their story, even the messy bits.

Tbh I'm especially shocked that a paediatrician wouldn't understand the impact of what you're suggesting.

To be brutally honest, I don't especially care if birth family contact makes the adopters feel jealous. The focus should be on the child's wellbeing. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and a child (especially an older child) shouldn't be required to give up their past self to deserve to be adopted.

100% agree. Plus I am very grateful to my adoptive parents. Realise it’s not a given, but a lot of adoptees I’m in contact with feel the same. They gave me everything when I had less than nothing. Why wouldn’t I be grateful?

OMFG! People tripping over themselves to be right on now. If you bothered to read the entire thread, you would see that I am an adopter who fully supports, facilitates and funds regular, ongoing direct contact. Also, I take most adoption-related ‘research’ with an absolute pinch of salt. Instead, I rely on my 18 years of personal experience of adoptive parenting and the experiences of my extensive network of fellow adopters to inform my views. I give zero shites to the views of social workers. In fact, I give zero shiney shites to the views of anyone not in the adoption triad. The most important views are those of my two non-birth related adopted children. Both of whom are separate human beings who have their own wishes and feelings about contact. I strive in life to respect their wishes.

PMSL, you would be happy to be called Pebbles?! 😂

My friend who is adopted would completely disagree with you. My friend was adopted and given a new name and no contact with birth parents. Knew she was adopted. Birth parents wanted contact apparently but weren’t allowed back in the day. At the age of 45 plus she finally found her birth parents one was deceased she met and has a relationship with the other elderly parent and has contact with siblings. She saw it (her adoption) as stripping away her rights and family like rehoming a dog or rehoming a sofa- a possession and not a living person. Closed adoption. She fights for adoptive children to know their families and she consider her birth and adoptive family - family.

I have 4 friends who have adopted- all the children involved have contact with siblings and family and this is managed in a positive way. My friend’s adopted 15 year old (adopted at 1) knows her birth parents names who they are (they do not have contact by order of the judge) and where they are (they are not able to look after their children or provide a safe home), her name changed at 11 at her choice changed her first name, she has numerous half siblings and full siblings (all have been taken into care) and my friend works hard to facilitate contact and meet ups. She is doing her best in a difficult situation but so far since aged 1 she has contact. All the adoptive parents of the (many) children meet up twice a year and all adoptive parents and children meet somewhere for the afternoon and they do cards for birthdays etc

Some adoptive children might want no contact but some might. Ultimately it is the child.

Money also comes into play here, sadly my daughter had friends two brothers who were raised from 1 and 2 by a family member (great aunt and uncle) who would not adopt them due to money. Back then, don’t know if it is the same now, they got an allowance and support to raise each boy but if they adopted them money disappeared and it was a lot of money and made a real difference etc They were up front about this and it was a huge factor the boys are still in their care in their 20s and they call them mum and dad and there is a family court order just not an adoption.