Keeping confidence or lying by omission

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Where do you draw the line in your marriage between keeping a confidence or lying by omission?

My husband has kept a secret for nearly five months.

To be fair it doesn’t really affect me but I am still upset.

Agree and I’m the same way.

If someone tells me not to tell anyone that is exactly what it means. My husband is part of the ‘anyone’ group therefore I won’t be telling him. Plus, it has never been his business or something he would need to know or be involved in.

I don’t tell specific family members on his side or mine anything because I hear how they talk and gossip about others or there are things that I have been told that I’m pretty sure someone would not want me to know unless they have told me themselves and it makes me uncomfortable knowing such things when I know it’s none of my business.

In OP’s DH’s case, it was something that was going to come out later anyway and it was his sister’s medical info. OP can feel how she wants, still unreasonable to make it about her feelings being hurt over not being told someone’s medical information.

His sister had her reasons and she told her brother. Obviously, they’re close enough that she felt comfortable telling him.

People get quite entitled ime when it comes to other people’s pregnancies.

To be fair it doesn’t really affect me but I am still upset.

It’s got nothing to do with you but you want to make a drama so it’s all about you now?

Depends what it is.
If it is respect the privacy of a family member on something personal they have confided then no problem.
If he was covering for a friend cheating on his spouse then I would feel differently!
I guess my rule is, if it doesn't effect you personally, and it is respecting someone else's right to privacy then it's fine.
If it's deliberately hiding an act or behaviour that he knows you wouldn't agree with them it's lying.

Oh ok, someone else's pregnancy is 100% in the keeping confidences side of things.
Not his news to tell, and it was HIS sister, so reasonable that she would be more comfortable sharing sth with him.
Now if he knew something about a family member of yours (not children) and didn't tell you I'd be more upset, but even then, everyone should have the right to privacy and controlling that kind of information about themselves

Given that it’s pregnancy related and you have no idea what the context is around that I think it’s absolutely right that the mother can be certain that she’s confiding in a relative who can be trusted. You simply aren’t entitled to this private medical info through the right of marriage. I’d admire him for keeping his word, actually.

DH doesn't know that one of my closest friends has metastatic breast cancer. It is terminal - but hopefully not imminent.

DD asked me to promise that nobody else close to us is going to die of cancer.

I'm lying to both of them because my friend doesn't want people - particularly her children -to know.

They are going to be devastated when they find out - and more so that I've known all along.

Yes this would bother me too. Did she specifically tell him not to tell you

I also think it’s weird that you have been kept in the dark.

Maybe she’s not telling anyone because it’s high risk - then why has she told the husband?

Not being entitled to someone’s medical information? Oh give me a break, it’s not a UTI, it’s a new member of the family!

I would never assume a secret I told to a friend would stay secret from their partner.

And if I were the SIL thought that OP wouldn’t be able to keep it quiet, I wouldn’t be telling any siblings!

Then he was right not to tell you.

There must be some back story there if her pregnancy was kept secret for 6 months. If she was asked not to tell you for that long, then your husband respects that. Neither you, nor he, have the right to decided that's not ok - not your baby.

If I’m asked to keep a confidence, it will go with me to the grave!

Husbands and wives are independent people so one should be allowed to know something about another person and not tell their spouse.

In your situation... if he's not told you as she said not tell you because you aren't family then yes, it is hurtful.
On the other hand, he could have come across this information accidentally and agreed to keep it private
Or, your SIL could have just presumed you knew as he knew.

Maybe he isn't that interested in the fact she's pregnant. It's not like it will affect his day to day life that much. He could've just forgotten or not be bothered.

Pregnancy is still medical information. OP isn’t owed knowing about SIL just because she married into the family.

Saying that family is entitled to know because it’s “a new member of the family” comes off a bit as reducing SIL into an incubator and that she isn’t allowed to tell her own information to who she wants to because baby is not just hers while it’s in her body, it’s the family’s.

SIL obviously knew that her brother would keep it a secret since OP started this thread in the first place about her hurt feelings because her husband kept his sister’s info from his wife like he was asked to because SIL said no one and that includes OP.

It is not out of the ordinary for siblings to ask each other to keep their confidence and they usually know each other well enough to know if one can comfortably do so or not.

As a pp pointed out SIL likely doesn’t live close if OP only found out now with SIL being six months since most pregnant women are showing by then.

It doesn’t reduce SIL to an incubator, for goodness sake - pregnancy is hardly as private as an infection or disease. It’s like asking people to keep the secret that she broke her leg.

My point was not about the brother keeping it a secret, it was about OP.

Plenty of people still choose not to tell others in those cases though as well and none of us know if something was going on in the pregnancy that SIL wasn’t ready to share but felt comfortable enough to share with her brother.

Looking back at OP’s post, OP assumes that SIL told her husband not to tell her. Assuming doesn’t make it true and this could easily be that her husband forgot to mention it.

OP saw her a month ago so SIL was five months then, either she wasn’t showing or if she was, not enough for OP to notice.

Because maybe it’s not necessarily a ‘Yay, new member of the family’?

The reason I told no one until 19/20 weeks was because it wasn’t clear until then whether a medical condition that had been discovered only because of a pregnancy scan would mean I had to terminate to allow treatment that was incompatible with foetal life.

It was quite obvious to my friends at work that I was pregnant, as I also had bad morning sickness, but to this day I absolutely appreciate the tact and consideration they showed me in not asking questions before I was ready.

Sorry to hear you went through that. But you’ve also made my point - you told no one. People can tell or not tell whoever they want but it’s unusual to expect a married couple/long term couple to keep secrets from each other.

If I was pregnant, told my sister and asked her not to tell anyone I would expect that means telling no one -including her husband

I think yabu. The secret has no impact on your life, and it's totally appropriate for him to not betray his sister. Would you want to be in a relationship with the type of guy would would spread his sister's personal medical information around behind her back?

Instead of getting upset about it, why not assume the best?
She, perhaps, has a really good reason she doesn’t want anyone to know.
She trusted your lovely DH with her secret.
He has been a brilliant brother and confidante and kept the secret.
You should be proud of him. 🩵

I think this is a difficult one. To me, a family member's pregnancy is something that if told to a husband it ought to be accepted that the husband be allowed to also tell his wife. The secrecy should be that neither husband nor wife should share it with anyone else. Unless of course the wife has form for not being able to keep a secret. I therefore think it is unreasonable of your sil to ask your dh not to tell you as it is divisive. But given that she did ask your dh to keep it secret i think it is reasonable of him to do so.

Why? They are separate people and it is definitely not unusual to many to expect people to not talk to others about things they share in confidence including their spouses.

Marrying or being with someone doesn’t mean you automatically tell each other other people’s confidences even more so when you have been asked not to. If one feels that they can’t do that, they should stop whomever person that is talking to them, tell them that they must tell their spouse and leave that person to decide if they want to continue.

Even in OP’s case, it’s not even a secret since she knows SIL is pregnant. Why does OP need to know at first instance? (Going off of her words in the original post that he kept it for 5.5 months while she assumes that SIL told him not to tell her in another post)

If my mother tells me something and wants me to not tell anyone I’m not going to tell anyone including my husband because he is a part of the anyone group too, he doesn’t get a pass because I chose to marry him.

I also don’t expect him to tell me anyone’s private info or confidences and will even stop him and check before he tells me something.
Unless, it is going to properly effect my life, day to day in some way I don’t need to know.

This.

She hasn't told you for a reason.

She must be struggling in some way if that's the case.

This isn't about you. This isn't about you and your relationship with your husband. Your husband has nothing to gain on a personal level for keeping the secret. He must think it significant enough in reasoning to not tell you.

I know a couple of women who have kept it quiet because they had their reasons. Other people's dramas were part of that but it was mainly about themselves.

Don't be the drama.

My FiL was 68, other than having his appendix out 5 days before his wedding didn’t have a day’s illness in his life. He dropped dead while nipping out grocery shopping. MiL is sensitive to tragedy.

Apparently SiL who is 43 didn’t want MiL to know in case something went wrong. She has only told her other children last week. My other SiL has had a baby last year as well but she didn’t have any such qualms.

I found out when my husband came in to tell us all. He was told about 4 and a half months ago and told not to tell anyone. My little one was anxious to ring her half-sister but she had already been told by my husband a month ago with his sister’s permission.

Those of you who agree with me admittedly the minority of you, can you give me some insight as to why I feel this way?