Keeping confidence or lying by omission

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Where do you draw the line in your marriage between keeping a confidence or lying by omission?

My husband has kept a secret for nearly five months.

To be fair it doesn’t really affect me but I am still upset.

How many people has she shared news of her pregnancy with? And (with all due respect) are you known for being unable to keep a confidence?

I would feel hurt as would consider that a close family relationship & so deliberately left out but don’t fight with your DH over it as technically it wasn't his secret to share.

But presumably she could have told you then (or at any other point?) So why blame your DH if she asked him to keep to himself?

Nobody has the right to know another person’s medical information.

Yes, I told no one till I was 20 weeks because I was being treated for an illness that was discovered early in my pregnancy, and it looked for a while as though I would need to terminate for the treatment.

This is actually one of the reasons I love my husband. If someone confides in him, he would not tell me, unless it directly effected me or is harmful to me. Which obviously never has been.

I like people having integrity and being able to not gossip about people. If I were to directly ask, he would not lie. However, he would not just come and tell me someone else's business.

It’s kind of an odd thing - was there a reason behind not telling people she’s pregnant? Duality it’s an event to be celebrated but: My sister was six months pregnant before she told my mother (who lived in a different country). They were quite close but there were some valid reasons why (and also why she didn’t tell people connected to my mother).
One: our father had died less than a year before, and my DH had just suddenly died. These were two huge blows to our mother’s MH. My sister was unmarried and no longer with the father (my mother was a practicing Catholic); and finally, the pregnancy was very high risk and she was hospitalised a few times and did not think the baby would survive. She decided that if she told her she was pregnant only to lose the baby that the impact on our mothers MH would very bad so kept it secret til she was fairly sure the baby would survive, hence telling her only at six months.
So, the reasons WHY your SIL kept it a secret, and asked her brother to, maybe be very valid and no reflection on how they feel about you.

How did you find out about it, OP?

I never understand the idea that husbands and wives need to share everything with each other.

Everyone has secrets.
It doesn’t mean they’re anything bad.

This is not his news to share.

You should back off as presumably there is a big reason why SIL doesn’t want people to know and she’ll never forgive him/he’ll never forgive himself if it got out because of him.

If you love him you should respect him enough to understand that he’s allowed to have secrets from you and you don’t don’t question things that don’t concern you.

I love this ❤️

He is a decent man and you obviously have a very strong relationship.

You totally nailed it - couldn't agree more.

YABU. You don’t trump his sister when she has asked to keep it a secret. You might be annoyed but you can’t be angry at him.

I initially thought you were being unreasonable until you said what it was. Id be really upset that my husband didn't trust me enough to keep that to myself even if it meant pretending I didn't know in from of his sister and family!
Unless you have a history of spilling the beans.....??

Pregnancy isn't a secret, it's a medical condition. You husband has done nothing wrong keeping his sister's medical information private.

This is none of your business. You are not entitled to someone else's medical information.

Maybe he has a history of keeping his word?

If his sister wanted the OP to know, she could've told her at any time.

I've no idea why she wanted it kept from her but then again nor do any of us.

All we know is she asked her brother to keep it a secret and he agreed.

It’s not about trusting the OP.

Its nothing to do with the OP and its not personal to her.

Someone has confided in him about something and asked him not to tell anyone and so that is what’s he’s doing.

It's refreshing to see so many posters saying that they'd keep a confidence from their DH/partner.

In the past I've seen threads where many many posters have said that they would and do tell their 'other halves' things that they've been told on confidence, and find it entirely unfair to expect them not to. Like the two of them are just one person.

That attitude infuriates me, and I've refrained from sharing confidences with others for this reason. I was starting to think that I was odd by expecting friends to keep my confidences from their partners. I'm glad I'm not alone here.

So yes, your DH is a good man if he's respecting his sister's request.

When someone gives you their information it does not become yours to share as you see fit (excluding safety concerns).

If someone tells you not to tell anyone then you don't tell anyone.

He didnt give you information because it was not his to give. He did nothing wrong.

Has he said or do you know why it wasn't shared before?
It's unusual, but if he was asked specifically to keep it to himself, Im not sure what else he could be expected to do.

For all you know there might be other family members who hadn't been told until now. Marrying into a family doesn't entitle you to every bit of information about other members of that family.
Nor is every family member obliged to share something sensitive to them, with you.

He kept his word to his dsis and he saved you from lying if she asked if you had known all along...

That’s really weird. Are you trying to get pregnant? Why couldn’t your dh tell you?

Has she kept it a secret in general, or was it that you specifically were not to be told?

She is his sister , if she asked him not to tell.you why wouldnt he respect that, in the same way youd expect him to keep your confidences surely? I assume there is more to the story as at 6 months pregnant it must be apparent to people, so i assume you dont see her regularly. Do you not get on? Does she (rightly or wrongly) suspect that you wouldnt keep it to yourself? Is she young and fears your judgement? If its not something that affects you and its his close family member he is not being unreadonable in kerping that confidence imho

I think this is all a bit odd. But the key issue here is your SIL’s health and happiness.

If she is 6 months pregnant and not telling people outside of her immediate circle, then there might be a reason.

Does she have reason to be worried? Has this one as a big shock to her? Adoption? Surrogacy?

The only reason @GeorgeClarkefan
for you to be somewhat offended is if she has told all and sundry but deliberately excluded you from the info.