Grandparents not so involved

[Chichi444]

I always felt that both sets of grandparents in our family haven’t particularly tried their best to spend quality time with they grandchildren sometimes it saddens me and other time I couldn’t care less as life goes on…

Is it me just being needy or is it just the norm? that grand parents are around or we go visit them on special occasions only like holidays and birthdays or family celebration other than that like a simple day at the park or baby sitting once a month or whenever from at least on grand parent is non existing.

How is it for everyone else?
would love to know
and AIBU for wanting them to more involved?

i think it probably depends on the relationship you had with parents/in-laws before children/grandchildren. Other factors can also have an impact: how close you live, if you all work full time.

How often did you see them before having kids? And how often did you see your own grandparents when you were a child?

Both sets live 5 mins away.
One is extremely involved, cannot see the kids enough. Absolutely besotted with them.
Other set see then special occasions mainly - kids do not like them 😕

Agree completely. If you pay your parents a duty visit every month or so, never have any real desire to spend time with them or share days out/holidays etc after you leave home, then they will inevitably carry on with their own lives. You can't then expect that to all change when you want them around for your DC sake.
I see my GC almost every day. Do childcare, babysitting, like a spare parent when needed. But it's a natural result of remaining very close with my own adult children and their partners, and wanting to support them as well as have a relationship with my GC.

This is exactly same situation for me! And the ones that cba are the ones that were always asking when they were going to get a grandchild even though they knew we were going through fertility treatment. I have very little time for them .

My parents and inlaws were local to us and we took the children to visit both sets of grandparents most weekends as we wanted the children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. DC are adults now and PIL are no longer with us, my parents have a few health issues now. I’m glad we did it the way we did.

My grandparents were very involved and I have special memories of table games and walks with grandad and cooking with granny and regular trips for Sunday tea etc and am very involved with my own grandchildren. My children’s dad had zero involvement with any of his family growing up (aunts, uncles, grandparents even though they lived in the same town). He isn’t very involved with our grandchildren and visits occasionally when invited for lunch (probably doesn’t really like children!).
I think it depends on many factors.

My dad was great my mam not hugely interested in them. Hard say op all families different. They didnt babysit though. I know they dont have to.. mine grown now. We used babysitters or my sisters

My DC only have one close GP (my mum), she's always wanted to know them and she's made an effort with them right from their babyhood to adulthood.

MIL on the other hand, loved the baby stage, then was clueless after that so didn't bother.

FIL remarried and his idea of making an effort with his GC was to take the piss out of them. Needless to say they dont like him nor his horrible wife who won't allow him to spend any time with his GC anyway. Miserable old bitch.

My parents were/are not good grandparents.
I am attempting to do much better.

I’m a grandparent, still work full time and run a small business so most weeks, especially during the summer, work 6/7 days a week. I sometimes have the grandchildren overnight to help out and have on occasion had them 4 nights in a row. I find it extremely tiring as they are young but I’m constantly being criticised for not looking after them enough, picking up from school etc even though I would have to take annual leave to do this.

Totally agree.

We have I’d say both ends of the spectrum here and neither has been a surprise.

My parents are and have always been amazing parents, we’ve always been a really close family, in contact every day, see each other every week, support each other etc. They are amazing grandparents to my two children, genuinely couldn’t have dreamed of better for them. They are there for all the little things and all the big things, they could tell you in seconds my daughter’s favourite songs, games, films, they know her favourite snacks and always have them stocked up, they have their own sets of clothes/nappies/bottles for both kids and their house has nearly as many toys as ours does, we can turn up there with nothing and be absolutely fine. They adore the kids and our children truly adore them. None of that came as a surprise, I knew they would be these grandparents because they were like this as parents.

PIL on the other hand for the first year of my daughter’s life saw her a grand total of 3 times, always only for 1 hour or less, and each time they really just sat on the sofa and watched us entertain her in their home which was not as all baby friendly and they had nothing whatsoever for her to play with or do. That level of contact continued until August this year when they suddenly went NC, no idea why, no big falling out, removed us all on social media, I had our second baby in November and despite the lack of contact my husband still reached out to let them know they had another grandchild- no reply whatsoever. They were shit parents, they hated having kids and so had no desire to be grandparents, so this hasn’t really come as a surprise either!

I am/have always been really close with my parents and my mum is now a very very involved grandparent. Between structured childcare that she does for us and then adhoc favours I see her almost everyday. I do make an effort to go and see them at least once a week without the kids too though. Very fortunate to have keen grandparents on the other side too, they’re a bit further away but we make equal effort to visit.

My parents lived abroad half the year and were in their late 70s when I had kids. We saw them at least once a week when they were in the country and they babysat on occasion. My in laws lived 20 minutes away and never expressed any desire to see the kids more often than when we suggested every couple months.
So, it depends on the age of the grandparents and their desire. Some are very involved some not. There should be no expectation though.

My grandparents were awesome - sleepovers, holidays, weekend visits - my parents as grandparents however are shockingly shit. Really disappoints me not only because my kids won’t have as meaningful relationships with their own grandparents but also because my parents got so much help when they had younger children and they just don’t care to even try

This comes up so often. You were farmed out to your lovely grandparents because your parents didn’t enjoy looking after children. The pattern has continued now they’re grandparents.

Its funny how people view closeness and caring to grandparents doing childcare. My kids are very close to my parents but they've never really babysat we just visited regularly (once a week) and they spent time with them with us

Exactly this so many kids being basically raised by grandparents and then people acting shocked they don't want to turn around and raise their grandkids. Obviously they don't.

I don't have GC, but if I did I'm not sure how involved I would be. When my children were small I lived very close to my mum but now I live about three hours away from my children. I also work ft.

@Abracadabra12345i totally understand where you are coming from here. Although I don’t think that’s my story. GP genuinely asked for us to go over/ go away on holiday etc. parents were always greatful and were decent parents. They are just not so keen to reciprocate now. I do feel my parents generation are somewhat more selfish than their parents and indeed the grandparents my generation will one day become

You do have to take into account the significant rise in pension age

Snap. My DC are now both teenagers and because the relationships weren’t established with them as young children, it’s all a bit awkward now. Sad. It interests me that my own GPs involvement is now glossed over. I used to stay with my grandparents for a week of the summer holiday until I was about 15! No mention is ever made of this by my parents now.

@youalrightmy DM is retired at 62, fit and healthy and after a large inheritance from her parents she’s not constrained by a small pension or typical money worries. She just doesn’t want to spend time with her grandchildren

@likeafishneedsabike absolutely snap to that as well

It makes sense I suppose - because by not ‘remembering’ my lovely GP’s involvement, it shines less of a spotlight on their lack of interest and engagement.
Looking back, I can see that my DPs weren’t especially child-friendly despite being decent parents overall. My brother and I were very independent children who were expected to entertain ourselves and each other. We did so!
I was thinking about this while I was on holiday last summer going down the water slides to make the kids laugh and trying to beat them at table tennis for hours. My own parents wouldn’t have been seen dead - it was the sun lounger and the bar for them while we very happily entertained ourselves and avoided pestering them.
Overall I think the current problem is a patience thing. My DP simply didn’t have the patience for my DC as children. Now they are lovely teens who are actually great company (bias acknowledged!) but the relationship isn’t there and the olds just monologue about stuff instead of engaging with their grandchildren. No common ground established.
It troubles me but what can be done? Nothing.