Grandparents not so involved

[Chichi444]

I always felt that both sets of grandparents in our family haven’t particularly tried their best to spend quality time with they grandchildren sometimes it saddens me and other time I couldn’t care less as life goes on…

Is it me just being needy or is it just the norm? that grand parents are around or we go visit them on special occasions only like holidays and birthdays or family celebration other than that like a simple day at the park or baby sitting once a month or whenever from at least on grand parent is non existing.

How is it for everyone else?
would love to know
and AIBU for wanting them to more involved?

OP, sorry if I have hijacked your thread. Days at the park etc involving three generations have always been a disaster for us so we now just see them for a meal once every couple of months.
We gave up on the idea of babysitting early on and took turns to go out socially. Until the kids got old enough to be left home alone (recently).
It still disappoints me but it was better once I realised that they are just not interested in children, blood relations or otherwise!

I'm commenting from the grandparent point of view.

I have two grandchildren, neither of whom live with my child.

I take one grandchild out rather than visit. It gives the resident parent a break, and also it would be weird to visit as the parent is not my child, they have their own new family now. We get on well though and might attend birthday parties together or rarely do activities all together, e.g school concerts. This grandchild has special needs and I might support with hospital appointments or school visits with the resident parent. This is positive and helpful and we talk about how we are his team/village raising him all together. I see this grandchild most weeks, it might be for just a couple of hours to go swimming or have lunch round my house, it might be a day trip somewhere, a sleepover at mine or we might swan off on roadtrip in the motorhome for anything from 3-9 nights probably 3 times a year. Plan to take them abroad next year. Both parents all happy with this and the general view is that this grandchild's life is greatly enriched by having me in it, and I feel my life is greatly enriched by having them in it. I don't do babysitting or childcare though, I am young and still work/study. Although sometimes I will be asked to have a sleepover to coincide with particular plans the resident parent would like to do.

The other grandchild I sadly don't see at all, although this is not my choice. The resident parent (not my child) likely has significant attachment disorder issues and/or a personality disorder. Severe difficulties with emotional dysregulation and they hold beliefs are not grounded in reality. I have tried to have contact but the resident parents extreme attachment/personality issues make this impossible. It breaks my heart.

They don't want to spend time with their grandchildren or they don't want to be childcare there is a difference.

I don't have a relationship with my first born grandchild sadly and my second lives hundreds of miles away. FaceTime simply doesn't cut it and it's more a long distance sort of I suppose. It makes me extremely sad but it's just how the cookie crumbles. Just be happy and get on with your own life. Their loss x

Whoever is criticising you, presumably they know you work full time? They sound self centred tbh.

Op do you try and organise things with the GPs or are you waiting for them to offer?

@youalright have never asked for or expected childcare. DD was in full time nursery when younger and is now at primary / wrap around when needed

they just dont want to invest in a relationship

I would love for my kids grandparents to spend less time with us!
I find both mine and my parents family hard work and I feel like not having family members involved quite liberating!
Outside influences can be stressful and undermine your parenting style.

how often do you see your parents/partners parents? Is it just your kids they don’t bother with or all of their grandkids?

my parents aren’t that bothered but then my parents mum is too involved-I’d like a balance. I’m not sure you ever get what you want or need from family!

I'm afraid its not always like this.

My parents left me with my grandparents all the time when I was growing up. In fact, I was probably with my grandparents more than I was at home. I loved my parents but they were always emotionally distant no matter how hard I tried to get them to engage with me.

When I had my children, they had zero interest in establishing a bond. It was incredibly hurtful and when they passed my children werent sad at all because they had also tried really hard to get them to spend time with them but they couldn't be arsed. My parents were simply not interested and no amount of effort on my part changed that. I discussed this in therapy actually and it took a long time for me to realise that it wasnt my fault. It is never a child's fault if their parents are disinterested in them (from childhood I mean).

My situation is a little odd. Raised by grandparents who are both sadly passed, I'm in touch with my parents and siblings but not very close to them. My parents live 2 hours away and in the same house as my brother and his kids so they provide live in childcare for them. They never offer to have my child and to be honest she wouldn't want to stay over with them as their house is chaotic and kids are a bit intense and loud for her with not much of a routine so they're up all hours. We tolerate day trips to see my parents but glad to come home to our calm house!
In laws live an hour away and have their own life, they will see my daughter for special occasions, and sometimes have her over for a night during holidays but not interested in providing regular childcare, which is their choice. They also see my sister in law and her two kids who live further away so will spend a weekend at their house and provide childcare or have her kids over for several nights during holidays. I feel a little resentful but DH won't reach out to ask for childcare over holidays and so we just make do with holiday camps. DH and I both work full time where as sis in law and her husband work part time. Same with my brother and his wife they work part time too.

Seeing the amount of women on here complaining that they don’t want their ILs visiting them when they’ve had a baby, they can’t then complain when those ILs learn their place and refuse to babysit.