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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help… unplanned baby

46 replies

Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 14:20

I’m in a bit of a pickle that I need some help un picking

I don’t need criticism because I’m aware what I’ve done for the last two years is wrong

I have been in a “relationship” for the last two years with a man who isn’t available and have found out yesterday that I’m pregnant. like I said I don’t need criticism, because I know I’m in the wrong and it’s entirely my fault and his.. but I need helping whether I should completely block him from today and not tell him about this baby, continue with the pregnancy and he can be non the wiser as this will keep his family unit together and not interfere with his girlfriend and their children and their family unit… or do I tell him? I’m really unsure what to do and getting rid of the baby is not an option.

OP posts:
OneRealMoose · 30/12/2025 14:21

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OneRealMoose · 30/12/2025 14:22

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DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2025 14:23

For the love of God do not keep this child a secret if you follow through and have it.

No child should be a secret or have things such as who their parent is kept from them and you will only damage them and your relationship with them if you do this.

You either need to go forward with this pregnancy and be honest with everyone involved or have a termination, end this relationship and learn from your mistakes.

Jk987 · 30/12/2025 14:25

You’ve known him 2 years, you can’t just block him. The child deserves to know who his Dad is and have some sort of relationship with him. You’re going to have to tell him.

Iris2020 · 30/12/2025 14:25

Sorry you’re in this situation.
You will have to tell him as your child will deserve to know. It will be his choice what he does with the information.

It will probably be your responsibility to the child to claim child support at some point too.
While you have done wrong, he had the most to lose with this relationship and it's his fault.
If you choose to not tell him he will likely start an affair woth someone else so it's not like his family will be spared pain one way or the other.

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 14:28

Don't do anything in a hurry. Work out what you want, how you want to handle it and then decide to tell him. Realistically he doesn't need to know until the baby is born.

So you don't need to rush. Its worth taking the time to process, talk to family, your midwife can refer you to mental health support. Work out what you want.

landlordhell · 30/12/2025 14:29

Either terminate the pregnancy or tell him . Lies breed lies

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 14:30

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 14:28

Don't do anything in a hurry. Work out what you want, how you want to handle it and then decide to tell him. Realistically he doesn't need to know until the baby is born.

So you don't need to rush. Its worth taking the time to process, talk to family, your midwife can refer you to mental health support. Work out what you want.

This. Take your time.

flipent · 30/12/2025 14:31

You're not responsible for the impact to his family / girlfriend - he is.

His actions have consequences and he needs to know about them.

CurlewKate · 30/12/2025 14:33

Are you in a position to raise his baby on your own? Do you have a suitable place to live? A support network? A job? Because if you decide to keep it that’s probably what’s going to happen-with some money from him if you’re lucky.

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2025 14:34

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 14:30

This. Take your time.

Show quote history

Just don't play the pick me game.

I'd tell him and his partner. Then have nothing to do with him.

SpinningaCompass · 30/12/2025 14:48

Tell him.

File for child support when you have the baby.

Your child has the right to support from both parents.

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2025 14:51

So he’s been using you for 2 years. Do you think you can just drop off the grid and he won’t wonder where you are? You’ve both caused this so you both need to sort it.

What a pair on plonkers! Poor child.

Soonenough · 30/12/2025 14:54

This guy has a wife and family AND a girlfriend and family ?! Continue with pregnancy if you want , try to get child support. Let him deal with his other families. But choose better for yourself in relationships.

Original poster
Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 14:59

Thank you,
I don’t think my baby will be missing out on much if they don’t know their father.
rightly or wrongly I have continued this relationship for 2 years but he’s not someone I would ever want to be with. I don’t think he’d care much if we stopped speaking from tomorrow - that’s who he is.

I can provide for this baby on my own, I already have 2 children and have my own house which wound be big enough for all of us. I have a lot of thinking to do.

OP posts:
flipent · 30/12/2025 15:00

Of course your child will miss out from not knowing their father - and you should not be making that choice for them!

No judgement for the misguided relationship - but serious judgement for thinking you can have a baby and ignore that there is a biological father.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 30/12/2025 15:01

It needs to be out in the open so that the poor sucker who thinks she has a good family unit can move on with her life.

Original poster
Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 15:03

The way I’m seeing it is:

  1. His family won’t be affected if he doesn’t know.
  2. I have to think of myself and my children - I don’t know what the consequences will be if his girlfriend finds out and what she’d do with the information.
  3. He probably wouldn’t see this child anyway so that’s the difference and there’s not a chance I’m asking for child support from him. I can financially manage myself.
OP posts:
StopBothering · 30/12/2025 15:04

Tell him.

If you don't, you will forever wonder if you should tell him, and you will never have peace. Your child will grow up and ask questions. It would be awful to have to tell your child later down the line that their father doesn't even know they exist.

What he chooses to do with the information is up to him of course, but you will have done the right thing by your child by telling him.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 15:05

What will you do when the child asks why they had/have no contact with their father and you tell them you chose to stop that contact and gave the father zero contact options?

lalalalalala2024 · 30/12/2025 15:09

You can’t just act like he is a sperm donor, you are being incredibly selfish and it sounds like you did this on purpose

MsPavlichenko · 30/12/2025 15:09

If you are really considering your children then you need to also consider terminating the pregnancy. It is an option, and one you might want to think about, given everything else you have told us.

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2025 15:12

Having an abortion is always an option. If you want this baby then you need to tell the father for the babies sake.

DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2025 15:12

You do not get to play God and keep the identity of your child’s father from them or him.

bellhawk · 30/12/2025 15:22

Why do you feel not having the baby is something you can't consider?