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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help… unplanned baby

46 replies

Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 14:20

I’m in a bit of a pickle that I need some help un picking

I don’t need criticism because I’m aware what I’ve done for the last two years is wrong

I have been in a “relationship” for the last two years with a man who isn’t available and have found out yesterday that I’m pregnant. like I said I don’t need criticism, because I know I’m in the wrong and it’s entirely my fault and his.. but I need helping whether I should completely block him from today and not tell him about this baby, continue with the pregnancy and he can be non the wiser as this will keep his family unit together and not interfere with his girlfriend and their children and their family unit… or do I tell him? I’m really unsure what to do and getting rid of the baby is not an option.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2025 15:26

@Inapicklex

You do the honest thing. You tell him that you're pregnant and keeping the baby. You say he isn't someone you'd want to be with long term, so tell him that you aren't asking him to leave his partner. What he does is up to him, but I can pretty much guarantee he's NOT going to tell her about this.

What you do after you tell him is up to you, but if he walks away you will be able to tell your child that you didn't prevent their father from being in their life, that he was the one who made the decision not to be involved. If he doesn't walk away then you do your best to have a good coparenting relationship. And speaking of relationships, you need to tell him that as of now yours with him is over. You will coparent, but that's all. It would be too confusing for your child to have this man in and out of your home as some sort of part-time family. Much better if he's treated like any other 'non resident parent' with no involvement within the home.

edit; You don't need money from him NOW. But unless you have an independent source of wealth (ie family money, trust fund etc) then you don't know what tomorrow may bring.

RobertaFirmino · 30/12/2025 15:28

Either tell him (and him alone) the truth or terminate. Anything else seems very unfair to the potential child.

Moreteaandchocolate · 30/12/2025 15:30

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 14:28

Don't do anything in a hurry. Work out what you want, how you want to handle it and then decide to tell him. Realistically he doesn't need to know until the baby is born.

So you don't need to rush. Its worth taking the time to process, talk to family, your midwife can refer you to mental health support. Work out what you want.

Yes agree.

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2025 15:33

RobertaFirmino · 30/12/2025 15:28

Either tell him (and him alone) the truth or terminate. Anything else seems very unfair to the potential child.

I think they’re both stupid but termination is never the only option. She’s said she doesn’t want that.

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 30/12/2025 15:40

Why is a termination 'not an option'?

Sounds like it would be the best thing all round, and much less cruel than bringing a child into the world knowingly depriving said child of a father figure and lying to it from the offset.

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 15:42

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 30/12/2025 15:40

Why is a termination 'not an option'?

Sounds like it would be the best thing all round, and much less cruel than bringing a child into the world knowingly depriving said child of a father figure and lying to it from the offset.

Termination might not be an option for many reasons. She's already said it isn't an option, she doesn't need to justify that decision.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/12/2025 15:50

Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 14:59

Thank you,
I don’t think my baby will be missing out on much if they don’t know their father.
rightly or wrongly I have continued this relationship for 2 years but he’s not someone I would ever want to be with. I don’t think he’d care much if we stopped speaking from tomorrow - that’s who he is.

I can provide for this baby on my own, I already have 2 children and have my own house which wound be big enough for all of us. I have a lot of thinking to do.

‘That’s who he is’ clearly that’s also who you are, so the baby wouldn’t miss out on much by not having you either? That’s just your selfish side talking. You should tell him, both of you created this child, both of you should know about it if you decide to keep it. Obviously if you terminate then he doesn’t need to know.

And wether you like it or not you deserve a little but of criticism for your shitty behaviour. Your current and future kids deserve a better roll model so hopefully this is the end of the ‘relationship’ regardless.

ThisHazelPombear · 30/12/2025 15:54

Why isn’t termination an option? It can’t be on moral grounds if you’re messing around like this? That ships sailed and gone over the horizon there.

The child can and will find him as an adult, people are driven to know who they are and it ends in tears in every case I’ve known (3 so far)

babadook1 · 30/12/2025 15:59

Think about it from the child’s perspective. Do what’s best for them.

greenwithglee · 30/12/2025 16:01

ThisHazelPombear · 30/12/2025 15:54

Why isn’t termination an option? It can’t be on moral grounds if you’re messing around like this? That ships sailed and gone over the horizon there.

The child can and will find him as an adult, people are driven to know who they are and it ends in tears in every case I’ve known (3 so far)

That’s a really sweeping and pretty unhelpful assumption. People can feel differently about different things without being hypocrites. Just because someone isn’t okay with termination doesn’t mean they have to follow some imaginary “moral purity” rule, and having sex or a messy relationship doesn’t suddenly erase their beliefs about pregnancy.

There are lots of reasons someone might not see termination as an option, religion, personal ethics, past experiences, health stuff, or just knowing they couldn’t live with that choice.

Aimtodobetter · 30/12/2025 16:07

Inapicklex · 30/12/2025 15:03

The way I’m seeing it is:

His family won’t be affected if he doesn’t know.
I have to think of myself and my children - I don’t know what the consequences will be if his girlfriend finds out and what she’d do with the information.
He probably wouldn’t see this child anyway so that’s the difference and there’s not a chance I’m asking for child support from him. I can financially manage myself.

The difference is that you don’t want your kid in 10-20 years blaming you for not giving him a chance at having a relationship with his father (even if that relationship would never really have happened). Unfortunately this asshole is now a major figure in your kid’s identity even if they never meet. So put your kid first - leave the asshole to worry about the rest of the impact on his other family - and do what you can to enable some form of contact so you can honestly look your child in the eye and tell them you did your best and they get to have one parent they can trust to put them first. Obviously that doesn’t mean doing anything stupid like giving them his last name etc. Also, if I were the other girlfriend I would not think you’d done me a favour by keeping me in the dark.

allthingsinmoderation · 30/12/2025 16:31

Take some time to process this and think carefully about what you want to do next. There is a lot to consider and this baby( as you not considering TOP) should be at the forefront of your decisions.
My experience has taught taught me that honesty is usually the best policy not least because the truth will out eventually and you will have to explain your decisions to your child eventually because questions will ensue ,the world is small with social media interactions and DNA etc.
My friend was in a similar situation to you 17 yrs ago, she told her daughter a one night stand on holiday and didnt know any details about the father,raised the child alone,her daughter just did a DNA test online and found 3 half siblings who told her the truth(a long standing affair with a married man ,who she chose not to tell) not a great way to find out your mother lied to you all your life tbh. The daughter feels a breach of trust and a sense of betrayal from her mum.
I hope you have support and people IRL to share your thoughts,feelings about this with.
Good luck

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 30/12/2025 16:34

Argh this is tough. Particularly as it was entirely avoidable. A lot of your posts focus on a very me-centric perspective, as opposed to the long-term impact this lie would have on this baby for their WHOLE life. Saying that the baby wouldn’t be missing out by not having a father?! And you being concerned about what his girlfriend “might do with the information”? This is emotionally immature thinking. I think you need to spend a bit more time really considering (generally and in this case specifically!) the longer-term time frame here, not just the pregnancy/ having a baby and whether you can “manage”. What about your other children and the impact on them?

Shamesame · 30/12/2025 16:37

Do your other children know their father?

I don’t think not telling him is being fair to your unborn child, it wasn’t an immaculate conception and surely they’ll have questions in the future particularly if their siblings have a familial relationship.

smallsilvercloud · 30/12/2025 17:03

If really want the baby, I would tell him but once your past the early abortian stage, he could give you pressure to get rid which would be stressful. Don’t not tell him because he has a family and partner, that’s his problem to explain that if he tells them.
sorry I can’t help but wonder why you want to proceed when you have children already, it’s going to be awkward explaining why the father isn’t in the picture.

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2025 19:07

smallsilvercloud · 30/12/2025 17:03

You wonder why she wouldn’t opt for surgery which she may regret for the rest of her life? It’s puzzling!

Redburnett · 30/12/2025 19:16

Think about your existing children and the impact on them when considering what to do. They should be your priority.

quackon · 30/12/2025 19:23

Hi @Inapicklexi've name changed but have been here a while.

I have been in your position - including the unplanned baby with someone unavailable. If you'd like to chat feel free to PM me.

deadbobaplace · 30/12/2025 22:25

You do know that DNA testing exists, right? Keeping anyone's parentage a secret isn't a reliable option in the modern world, and will be even less so in twenty years time. You have to assume that babydaddy will find out sooner or later (probably when you put on weight and are mysteriously unavailable for hookups, but I may be overestimating him.)

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/12/2025 22:30

What do you think gives you the right to have a baby and never tell this child who his father is!!! Absolutely disgraceful.

If you want this child you cannot selfishly keep it's paternity to yourself just because it makes life easier for YOU.

Do you understand the trauma some children suffer through situations such as this?

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/12/2025 22:32

Also - imagine your other 2 kids who have their dad and this child doesn't.

If you want this kid, tell the dad. Whatever he decides to do, or not do, is up to him. But at least when the child is grown, you can tell them you tried.

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