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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I slept with my ex last night and don't know where to go from here

69 replies

Wrathor · 30/12/2025 13:48

This is my first proper post here, my head is spinning and I don't think I can tell people irk.

I started dating my ex when we were 15. at 17 we had our now 3yo dd and a we have a 8mo ds. Roughly 18 months ago we split because he's bisexual and wanted to experiment with men and wasn't looking for permission as that would feel wrong to him too. We split and while it was hard we remained friends.

I found out I was pregnant and he was supportive. I couldn't possibly have had a termination so we kept him. When he was born he'd stay over to help out with dd and baby, I don't have family support so its really just him and his dad and stepmum as they love locally

He invited us to go with him to visit his mum and stay for Christmas as she lives a few hours away. I agreed and it's been fine, tomorrow is dd’s 3rd birthday and we are due to leave on friday

Last night, his mum and her partner went out and it was just us and the dc. We were slightly tipsy and we ended up sleeping together. Halfway through he said he loved me but I don't know if it was just an in the moment thing. He was really sweet and after and it was the first time id done anything like that with anyone since we split so now I don't know what to think

His brother rang him and that sort of brought thinks to reality and we didn't speak about it again. He messaged me earlier saying he was going to transfer money for the MAP (he didn't want his family to overhear) but he hasn't as to yet and he's gone out for a run

Please be easy on me

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 30/12/2025 15:17

Wrathor · 30/12/2025 15:02

Wow I can't get over this judgy replies tbh. I don't “keep having kids for a friend”, I was already pregnant when we split I just didn't know it yet. It was a contraception failure but I couldn't go through a termination.

This was the first time we slept together since we split so it's not that I keep having unprotected sex, we were caught up in the moment after a rough few days with the dc and us being tipsy. I'm not on any contraception since having ds as I'm single and as I said before yesterday the last time I slept with someone was him before we split so over a year ago.

If you get pregnant this time that's three contraception failures age 20.

If there is any chance at all this will happen again, the pill/coil/injection will protect you.

noidea69 · 30/12/2025 15:18

Shagging your ex, these things happen dont beat yourself up.

But he's proper got you on strings, knows he can get away with doing anything and you will always come back to him. Sounds like a twat.

PinkyFlamingo · 30/12/2025 15:23

Rosealea · 30/12/2025 14:23

My goodness give her a break for pity's sake. Also the level of judgement and ignorance because he may or may not have slept with a man/men is sickening! 😡

OP you're bound to still have feelings for this man, he sounds like he's a good person and a good dad. His run will probably be partly due to him not knowing quite what to say or do either. Hopefully by the time he gets back he'll maybe have sorted his head out a bit and you can have a conversation about how you both feel and what you see happening.

Good luck

Oh come on. We are all grown adults. We all know contraception prevents unwanted pregnancies. Of course people are going to judge!

adultingforever · 30/12/2025 15:26

Wow. MN can be so judgy at times.

It is so hard to turn off feelings for someone you have known for a long time, and having sex with him is your normal. Does anyone know statistics for how many separated/divorced people have sex at least once with their former partner? It is actually quite high.... but I don't know where to find that number.

OP - do get the MAP, as he is obviously not wanting another child right now, and you need time to figure out what the two of you are going to be to each other going forward. There are bisexual men who do make a serious commitment to marriage, but so far he has not been one of them; so figure it out and move on.

Wishing you the best possible outcome, whatever that looks like for you and your two children.

BluntAzureDreamer · 30/12/2025 15:27

Wrathor · 30/12/2025 15:02

Wow I can't get over this judgy replies tbh. I don't “keep having kids for a friend”, I was already pregnant when we split I just didn't know it yet. It was a contraception failure but I couldn't go through a termination.

This was the first time we slept together since we split so it's not that I keep having unprotected sex, we were caught up in the moment after a rough few days with the dc and us being tipsy. I'm not on any contraception since having ds as I'm single and as I said before yesterday the last time I slept with someone was him before we split so over a year ago.

If only the real world was as black and white as it is on Mumsnet eh.... 🤔

I slept with my kids dad once after we split. It was a mistake and happened in similar circumstances. I was lonely and needed some comfort and well, it happened. But it probably shouldn't have. I had to stay true to what I knew was right, and the decision I had already made. A one off shag didn't change that.

You have made your decision, you know in your gut what is right to do. Don't let the sex get in the way. He probably does love you, at least in a way, but he's told you what he wants. Sex muddies the waters for a little bit because it brings up mixed emotions but it doesn't change anything x

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 30/12/2025 15:31

The replies aren’t judgy. Grow up. Use protection and get an sti test.

Summerhillsquare · 30/12/2025 15:35

As pp said, he wants to have his cake and eat it: family life, casual sex with men, casual sex with you. Trouble is you might end up chewed up and spat out.

Original poster
Wrathor · 30/12/2025 16:35

When I got pregnant with ds I had the nexplanon implant, we didn't exactly plan last night. He slept over just after i gave birth to ds and has on other occasions and nothings happened.

Of course I love him, he's my childrens dad. I don't know if he meant it that he loves me but it's not like I've been waiting around, wanting to get back together with him

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 30/12/2025 16:38

I think some of the comments are very harshly worded, because I am sure no one here has ever slept with an ex, or done something a little risky.

Get a MAP, get an STI test just to cover yourself and to be safe. Then ask him over to talk, either see if his parents can babysit for an hour or when the kids are asleep. But before you do that you need to work out what it is you actually want. Therapy might be a good idea given how you've been through a lot in a short amount of time, and with a small support network and mum of 2- that is a lot for anyone.

Periperi2025 · 30/12/2025 16:40

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 14:36

I dont think they will fit a coil if there is a risk of sti. That was the case ten years ago anyway!

Show quote history

NICE guidelines say that they can consider antibiotic cover as a precaution if risk of STI is high, it is also routine to have swabs taken first STI testing at time of insertion.

The coil will prevent more babies in this unstable situation.

Blueuggboots · 30/12/2025 16:42

How does the song go? If you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him.
stop sleeping with him.

Cadenza12 · 30/12/2025 16:48

TBH I wouldn't read anything into this. You were there and available. In the short term do as has been advised here and get yourself sorted out today. You've enough on your plate without any more complications. This man is going to be a feature in your life forever. Start to make a life with that as a fact but he's not your partner, he's the father of your children.

LostittoBostik · 30/12/2025 16:51

VioletandMauve · 30/12/2025 14:13

Good grief, no protection used - you don’t learn do you?

OP is extremely young and has been through so much with this guy who is also the father of her very young children. Cut out the judgement and offer support, or piss off.

LostittoBostik · 30/12/2025 16:56

There a huge amount of biphobia on this thread. I really feel for both of you in this situation.

Please do go to a GUM clinic tomorrow and get all the drugs and screening need to keep you safe, but while you’re doing that please also put all the judgy comments here fully out of your mind. This situation is totally understandable and no wonder you clung to each other after a difficult few days. You share a lot and always will - even if you don’t come back together.

my advice would be to not let him take the lead with this situation. You have two young children to bring up. You energies need to be focused on them. I would let him know that you realise it was just one of those things and that you’re going to concentrate on yourself and on co-parenting.

Let him do his exploring. You may not feel ready for dating with such young children, but go ahead if you feel up for that.

Life is very long and you will end up where you should be, as will he. As for now focus on the kids and a healthy co-parenting relationship.

VioletandMauve · 30/12/2025 16:58

LostittoBostik · 30/12/2025 16:51

OP is extremely young and has been through so much with this guy who is also the father of her very young children. Cut out the judgement and offer support, or piss off.

Show quote history

She's 20. She is responsible for 2 children already. She should also be responsible for herself. Bugger off with your judgement of me.

Original poster
Wrathor · 30/12/2025 17:01

Blueuggboots · 30/12/2025 16:42

How does the song go? If you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him.
stop sleeping with him.

This was the first time sleeping with him since we split. “Stop sleeping with him” isn't helpful, it's not like we've been sleeping together often since we split.

OP posts:
Tekknonan · 30/12/2025 17:02

People are being pretty vile about this. I'd agree about the STI test - it isn't judgy, it's just playing safe. Same with the MAP. Another child would make your life very difficult whether you get back together or stay on your own.

It sounds as though getting back together with him is something you would consider. Ask him what he wants, and have a good think about what you want. If he does want this, make sure you know what you want and make it clear from the start - for example: no other sexual relationships, male or female. OK, he may be bi, but you wouldn't consent for a minute to him having other women if you were in a relationship, so don't feel you have to consent to him having men.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 17:31

Wrathor · 30/12/2025 16:35

When I got pregnant with ds I had the nexplanon implant, we didn't exactly plan last night. He slept over just after i gave birth to ds and has on other occasions and nothings happened.

Of course I love him, he's my childrens dad. I don't know if he meant it that he loves me but it's not like I've been waiting around, wanting to get back together with him

Why "of course" ?

It's not compulsory to love your children's father. Especially when he disappears to fuck men and then turns up again to tup you and possibly give you an infection

Not very lovable in my book

LyndaLaHughes · 30/12/2025 17:39

People aren’t being judgy. They are merely pointing out that sleeping with a man who has openly said there were looking to sleep with men without protection is a really irresponsible thing to do. You do need an STI check as your issue is not who you have slept with, but who he has and him not using protection with you, when it could end in pregnancy, suggests he would not necessarily use protection with men when pregnancy isn’t a concern.

strange25 · 30/12/2025 17:39

Take the MAP, get yourself tested, forget about it.

Do you know if he’s been with men since? It would make me feel a little sick knowing I was sleeping with someone that was also sleeping with others, men or women, especially unprotected.

how would you feel if you got pregnant again?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2025 17:42

not sure why you're getting such a rough time op. the split really wasn't a long time ago, you obviously get on well, you'd had a family Christmas and were tipsy. alas, falling into bed together, from the outside, is highly likely.

get the map. get an sti check. give yourself space and time back at home and decide what you want. do you both want to try again or was it just a moment? if he doesn't and you do, how do you protect your heart?

you need a good honest chat when the kids are in bed and to be kind to yourself.

Ireolu · 30/12/2025 17:43

You shd have posted in relationships. AIBU can be harsh.
STI screen/MAP is required.
Feelings just don't go away so I understand going back there. Not sure it will do you any good long term though as you are now having to think MAP and STI. Be done with the relationship mentally/properly and move on so temptation doesn't feature in your interactions.

TidyCyan · 30/12/2025 17:48

LyndaLaHughes · 30/12/2025 17:39

People aren’t being judgy. They are merely pointing out that sleeping with a man who has openly said there were looking to sleep with men without protection is a really irresponsible thing to do. You do need an STI check as your issue is not who you have slept with, but who he has and him not using protection with you, when it could end in pregnancy, suggests he would not necessarily use protection with men when pregnancy isn’t a concern.

It's also this:

He messaged me earlier saying he was going to transfer money for the MAP (he didn't want his family to overhear) but he hasn't as to yet and he's gone out for a run

Sitting around waiting to see if he transfers the money. Is he doesn't, he's tight, not waving some sort of "let's have a third baby" flag. Every hour counts.

Icecreamisthebest · 30/12/2025 17:50

Well based on his reaction he sees this as a one off/ mistake. I agree that these things happen but if you want a stable family for your DC you’re best avoiding it happening again. I would avoid alcohol when you are with him in the future

Get the MAP. And do get an sti test. It’s better for you and the DC to avoid any illness passed on by him.

Then return to raising your DC. Make sure he is financially contributing as he should and also sharing care so you get a break and are able to work towards your financial future. Look at getting qualifications and a career path

Newbutoldfather · 30/12/2025 18:06

What has become of this site?

How many of you remember how horny you got when you were 20, and how exciting the odd risk seemed?!

The OP is 20 years old and has been celibate for a whole year and she slept once with her ex and the father of her children.

Yes the MAP and STI test, especially if he has been active with men, but no to silly judgments.

People make mistakes. I am sure virtually everyone on this thread has had silly unprotected sex at least once in their lives!

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