To not make my 3 year old wear underpants

[takethesebrokenwingsandlearntofly]

Long time poster- relatively new name.

Background- I have a ND DS7 who alongside PDA / Autism and ADHD has a lot of associated sensory issues. So I am used to being flexible and differing from the norm for what works for my child.

DS3 has recently started a nursery which he attends on days he doesn't go to his childminder. DS potty trained early this year with no real issues BUT does not like pants. I've tried all styles, sizes and materials. He just hates wearing them. I have no issue at all with this. He bathes daily and wears fresh trousers or shorts daily as he's pretty messy and into everything.

New nursery have told me he has to wear pants, that it's a safeguarding issue.

I'm not against the reasoning, but I also am one to pick my battles in general as I have so many daily.

Is it unreasonable to refuse to force this issue with DS3. I think eventually - likely soon he will just start wearing them as he will want to. I can't imagine he will love his life commando, but frankly - if he did, it wouldn't concern me if he's clean, comfortable and happy!

Still can't work out how to edit

*live his life commando

If nursery says he needs to wear underwear the he must when their.
Have you tried loose fitting boxers?

If they feel it’s a safeguarding issue you’ll have to get him to comply or risk losing his place.

How do they know he isn't wearing any underwear?

I think this is the issue. He's presumably wearing clothes that slip down or taking his trousers down. If he was sufficiently covered then they wouldn't know whether he was wearing pants or not.

Would he wear something cycle shorts under his trousers? Or swimming trunks?

They are correct, it is a safeguarding requirement and if you want him to attend, he'll need to wear underwear. It's not up for debate, OP.

They obviously know he isn't wearing any if they help him use the potty/toilet...not rocket science.

They know because he got wet playing in the garden and they had to help him change. He goes to the bathroom fine alone and washes hands etc so it took a term for them to realise.

Loose fitting boxers are a no as they bunch up in his trousers!

He needs to wear them. Its not optional. Its like saying he wont wear a school polo because of his needs. Its just one of those things you need to manage with him to get over.

I say that with love - i also have a child with similar issues, but you're not doing them favours by avoiding normal clothing at their request.

Have you looked up any soft underwear with minimal or no stitches (sensory-friendly)?

If he's been toilet trained since the beginning of the year I would expect him to being toileting independently.

Rocket science! Give me a break.

I worked in child safeguarding for a long time. This would not be a red flag to me, combined with the explanation from the child's parent. Lack of underwater alone is not in itself a safeguarding issue. It is a sensory issue for the child, being managed. Perhaps try again every few months but as long as his penis is not on display how would the nursery even know whether he's wearing pants or not. Surely they're not going to pull down trousers of a child in their care, because that does sound dodgy.

OP explained to you what happened, why don't you read her post and take a deep breath 😊

In this case I'd probably just carry on sending him in as he is and provide waterproofs for water play.

He needs to wear them

She did and very politely. And he can toilet independently as I thought! Clever old me. I guess I'm back on track for my rocket science degree after all!

You don't feel too bad about your needlessly prickly post though.

Try swimming pants, not trunks/shorts but speedo types that stay close to the skin.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Our nursery suggested going commando during and for a while after potty training, so commando due to a sensory issue doesn't seem unreasonable. Presumably he's got trousers on so I don't get what the problem is.

You have a good night, darling, the sweetest of all Mnetters 😊 hope 2026 is kind to you, you need it a lot.

I don’t see how it is a safeguarding issue. If he has trousers on then he is covered up. I can see if he has short or loose fitting shorts on then underpants might be necessary, but otherwise I don’t see the problem.

Thank you it's not often you get an apology on here! I hope you have a good 2026 too.

I don't know if it's a 'safeguarding' issue exactly but most childcare and education settings will require children be fully dressed including underwear.

This may not be good advice as you don't want him to regress, but if he was wearimg nappies before, maybe let him wear pull up nappy pants like normal pants, if he doesn't mind the feel of them (but not pee / poo in them obvs) or give him a choice between nappy pants or normal pants with his favourite character on maybe?!

My nephew has been fully potty trained for ages and still only wears pull ups due to semsory issues (suspected asd)

Haven't read the full thread, but in case no one has suggested it, have you considered eczema clothing? Their underwear is seamless, and very soft.

How is this a safeguarding requirement? When we were potty training at nursery we did the version where they wear trousers and no pants. It worked really well, no accidents. I can’t see what the safeguarding issue is?

I can't see it's a safeguarding issue and I worked in childcare until really recently. The nursery should make a reasonable adjustment due to the child's needs ie he doesn't need to wear pants.
My DS has special needs but attends mainstream. He refuses to wear the jumper for school so the school let him wear his favourite jumper instead that's also a reasonable adjustment.
One of the children in his class only wears underwear sometimes (I know because I talk to his mum, child also has SEN) and school have never raised as an issue.
I'd ask the nursery exactly what their concern is. If you tell them they're not being inclusive they'll probably change their mind.

My DC got horrible rashes from underwear for months after potty training. Strange as they rarely got nappy rash. Went commando for ages - so I don't understand why it's a problem for the nursery.

I changed washing powder and it helped. Also eczema underwear and silk underwear?