What do you do to keep yourself busy?

[BoyMum2025]

I'm a busy, perimenopausal mum of 20 and 18yo sons. I'm a knackered teacher.

I'm finding I can't focus on anything (reading, TV etc) and spend a lot of time in my own head over-thinking, over-worrying about the kids. Are they happy? Are they in a dodgy relationship? Catastrophising basically and worrying that I'll lose them (to the GF or something awful will happen).

Rationally I know that they're independent and that's how it should be.

I'm on HRT and these feelings/thoughts get worse the 2x weeks I'm taking the progesterone.

I've previously had counselling for GAD and I've referred myself again.

I am too tired to do anything after work. I have no hobbies and my closest friends live away.

I know I'm living too much in my head. I know I'm not being rational. I know I'll push the kids away. I know I need to find other things to occupy my mind and time- but what?

Have you felt like this? What helped?

I’m sorry if this sounds like a cliche, but exercise helps me. The best of all is when I put on some loud music and dance very energetically. I find my body and brain feel a lot calmer afterwards. I do it for about 20 minutes every evening.

All this Adam Peaty/Holly Ramsey BS is feeding my thoughts on boy mums being ditched.

My thinking is not normal.

I don't know what to do about it.

Yes. I agree, exercise really helps. I just find it so hard to do it- motivation and energy. Honestly, it's like self sabotage.

It would be good if you could learn to meditate. I found it very hard but did get there, being able to clear your mind if all thoughts even for a few minutes is very valuable.

I agree with exercise, give your brain something to worry about (that you're knackered and going to collapse).

Cbt can be useful if you can master it.

Forget celebs. See your GP and seek some suppoet for your anxiety.

Join a church/choir
Join a political party
Get into the garden and join the RHS
Join a book club
Clean out all your cupboards
Go to pilates
Go to a film you want to see once a month
Dog walking group

Sorry, I'm not sporty so no suggestions there

It’s not true that boy mums get ditched. Some adult children break off contact with their kids, often justifiably. It just so happens that the two most high profile cases atm involve men.
I have a son in his late 20’s and we have a fantastic relationship.

All this Adam Peaty/Holly Ramsey BS is feeding my thoughts on boy mums being ditched

I have no idea what this refers to but I'm assuming it's SM/sleb stuff, in which case, give yourself a break from SM and celebrity drama. It's rarely rooted in reality and isn't going to be helping.

Exercise is the biggest help for my anxiety.

I have also taken Sertraline at various points which was very helpful for anxiety but had some downsides (total lack of libido and feeling pretty ‘flat’ emotionally).

And yes, stay off social media! It’s not a helpful place for people with anxiety. Or for anyone really.

Exercise 100%

You will sleep better, shut your brain off, it's not a luxury it's a vital need to be honest.

Look at times you are available and what exercise you can do and just go.

I am too tired to do anything after work.
unless you have a very physical job, you are not. Just don't sit down and start slobbing on the sofa, it's harder.

But come home, get changed, grab your gym bag (or stay in your sports clothes and rush some chores before it's time to go) and just go. Every night. Could be dance, zumba, swim, any gym class, whatever class are held in your area, the choices are huge.

I don't know how people survive without being active, I can't.

”Boy Mums” (a phrase I detest) only get ditched if you raised useless men.

If your sons are thoughtful, loving, sensible men (and I’m sure they are) then why on earth would they ditch you?

My husband adores his Mum and is an excellent son.

My son is a similar age to yours and I have just as good a relationship with him as I do with my daughter.

I agree with a previous poster though, it sounds like some physical activity would help with your stress and anxiety.

You need neither energy nor motivation, it's a cliche, but you just need discipline. You put your trainers on and you go.

What exercise is best for you is up to you. You can train for an Hyrox, a semi-marathon, go to Pilates, go to a different class in your gym every night. No one can tell you what works for you and what you hate, but do something.

You don't wait for motivation to go to work, you just go - and motivation come (or not) when you are there. Same thing with exercise.

Another vote for exercise though at the moment I find it hard to find the energy, if I don’t exercise in the morning then it’s not happening at all (it might change when the days are longer again). The anxiety and thinking up random scenarios is something I struggle with too, I have started HRT which is helping a little.

i don’t think you should be ‘keeping yourself busy’ or distracting yourself. If your thoughts keeping tending in a particular direction, listen to them. What are they telling you?

Just offering solidarity in terms of the catastrophising about kids etc. I am the same. I drive myself crazy with it thinking about long term scenarios that will probably never happen. I’m in peri and worse two weeks before period. As others have said, exercise helps, even a 20-min walk round the block. Have a focus for your time, rather than doom scrolling, even if it’s just making a plan to organise your wardrobe or a cupboard or something. I also like puzzling and that really works in terms of mindfulness for me. I also do a self hypnosis relaxation before bed every night. Well I try to and I notice it improves my anxiety if I do it regularly.

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is see your GP and get treatment for the anxiety although I appreciate this takes time. In the meantime -

I know you're exhausted but even a 10/15 minute brisk walk in the cold fresh air can help - force yourself to do it even when you don't want to and it will soon become part of your routine.

Mindfulness meditations using an app like the Calm App can help train your brain and it's a good distraction when your thoughts are racing.

Try and make sure you're eating well - whole foods if possible and plenty of protein and healthy fats as well as fibre rich foods. You can roast a load of veg and eat all week with rice, couscous and full fat Greek yoghurt, add some spices and garlic, grated cucumber. Or make a big pot of lentil and vegetable soup to take to work for lunch.

When you shower in the morning, finish with a blast of cold water - it's the next best thing to cold water swimming and good for your mental health.

When I've found it difficult to concentrate on reading/TV, I've found it helpful to go back to familiar favourites that I've enjoyed in the past - there's something comforting about knowing what's coming in the story and you don't have to concentrate so hard!

Finally, I can say that as the mum of 5 adult sons, you don't lose them when they are older. Our sons still pop in all the time for meals and coffee or to watch the footy with us. My eldest is engaged to a lovely girl, if you're a kind and loving presence there's no reason why you shouldn't have a great relationship with future daughters in law ☺️

I hope things improve for you soon, look after yourself lovely 💐

This is not helpful advice for someone who suffers from anxiety and intrusive thoughts 🙄

Be proud to have raised independent young men that don't need their mums anymore.

Now you get to try everything you've wanted to do and find the thing that excites you and makes you feel good.

I dont keep myself busy.
I listen to my body and go with that.
For exercise I swim. I yoga, I pilates, I do the gym.
When I need to I rest, I go to bed at 7 if I feel I need it.
I also go to therapy and have anti anxiety meds daily.
I have a lot of trauma from my childhood that im really only dealing with now, and im guilty of catastrophising also. And spiralling.
And taking everyone's issue on board.
So, I dont keep my self busy.
I keep myself grounded and look after my mental health with all of the above.
I also follow an anti inflammatory diet to assist with ongoing health issues which has had so many other benefits.
Keeping busy is not what I prioritise if that makes any sense. I am busy but I dont "keep busy".

Maybe change your HRT? I’ve heard taking testosterone (a
though GPs seem very reluctant) is seriously helpful for the menopause.

Re occupying yourself (knackered teacher here too, looking to retire next year), I walk the dogs, go shopping, make complicated meals. I ensure my bedroom is very zen, the bed is always warm before I get in, I have a book downloaded ready. Hot baths are a regular feature.

Yes, you're right I I deleted the SM apps this morning! With the and the Bekhams, you can't escape the negative.

Might not be your thing, but there are some really nice adult paint-by-numbers kits out there. I've got my eye on a kind of folk-art birds one. I find painting very calming, and PBN doesn't require me to have any artistic ability.

I joined a choir. Then another! Walk my dog. And play daft games on my iPad those ones where you match screw colours, match three items etc. I have adhd and they really relax me when I’m in a period where tv and reading won’t help!

I do online quizzes...I've taught myself things like every flag in the world, can name every capital city, can name the top 100 surnames in the UK, list every tube station...all sorts. I use sporcle. I find it a great distraction

Thanks all. I'm having a little cry here at your care, insights and advice.

I'm not good with change- lots of change at the mo and I'm needed less. It's hard.

I have a great, loving relationship with my sons (and their GFs TBF although I see a few red flags with one (she can be controlling and he seems stressed a lot- I know I just need to be safe and available and let him come to his own conclusion on that). I try not to be 'too much' as I don't want them to feel pressure from me IYKWIM.

I guess I became a mum when I was still young and have given so much to raising them, I've lost myself. Now I don't know what to do with myself and my head is driving me mad!

I've recently changed from patches and tablets and the prog weeks are worse.

I referred myself for support with the anxiety (again) so should get help with that soonish (not drugs but counselling or CBT).

I'd love to learn to meditate - but I can't switch off.

And to the person who asked what my thoughts are telling me- this is the biggest issue. I no longer know if my thoughts and feelings are valid/reasonable or irrational. I used to be able to trust my gut. Not any more.