To unbooked this holiday?

[Chefpig]

My mum has always had her selfish, controlling ways. She regularly has shown she doesn't like me much.

She has mellowed slightly as she has aged, but has recently shown her true colours yet again. We can all be having a great time and then someone may slight her (her perception) and she'll have a go at that person and the mood sours.

For Christmas I booked her and her husband an expensive break away. My mother has recently let me down in a number of ways and I want to cancel the break and get my money back but is this morally wrong? I was also due to go with them but I cannot stand the thought of a week away with them. When we do go away, my mother makes things all about her and will often refuse to go to certain places, so everything has to be on her terms.

WIBU to cancel, maybe even go on my own? The location is amazing!

When is it?

I think cancelling a gift is morally wrong, but if I was you there’s no way I would be joining them there.

Given all the threads you've made about your mum lately, cancel the holiday and use the money for counselling. I'm not being snidey, I mean it.

Why are you buying expensive holidays for someone who you feel doesn't like you and treats you badly? If you keep on doing the same you'll get the same results, get some help to see your relationship with her clearer and go forward doing things differently. She's not going to change so you need to change how you are with her and what you expect from her.

Why on earth would you go on holiday with your mother and her partner. That is so odd. Not really a gift to her more of an inconvenience. Go with your mum by all means but don’t expect to go with her partner too - odd dynamic

Thanks everyone. It's in May @ToKittyornottoKitty.

@Apfelkuchen I feel miffed paying for a holiday for them in a place I absolutely love.

@Namechangetry I've had counselling recently and it worked wonders. The subject was often my mum, her being emotionally unavailable and verbally absusive and her dismissing my feelings. It had to stop due to financial restrictions. I booked it because I suppose I feel that buying nice presents like that might make her love me more and be more supportive and less critical. It doesn't work though.

@babasaclover is it? He's my stepfather and I'm not sure it's that odd. Having thought about it though, I invite him along as she wouldn't ever leave him so just the two of us could go.

Of course it would be unreasonable for you to cancel the holiday! If you had given your Mum a nice bracelet or jumper, would you be asking her to return it because she’s annoyed you?

Cancel and tell them why - circumstances have changed and you can’t do then get them another gift - tell them you made a mistake

It's a lifetime of her being a twat though!

feel miffed paying for a holiday for them in a place I absolutely love

Well then you shouldn't have gifted it to them.

Its wrong to take back a gift, but I wouldnt go with them.

Dont gift people things you dont actions want to give them.

being with similar parents I think your totally with on your rights

you were trying to hard - you can adjust by cancelling and telling them you made mistake

i responded again because I really don’t agree you have to go on and on with this - your correcting a mistake

Yeh I get that but it's on you for booking it in the first place, you can't buy her love

It was an odd choice of gift, spending so much money and time given you sound like you don't have a good relationship.i think it's unreasonable taking it back, but like others I wouldn't go with them, and I wouldn't give such a gift again.

I suppose I feel that buying nice presents like that might make her love me more and be more supportive and less critical. It doesn't work though.

No, no it certainly doesn't. You are 100% ☑️

I doubt from what I've read that she has the love to give. Your task is to learn to accept this, live with that reality, and understand that you are more than enough as a person, your mother has no say in your value, importance or lovableness.

It's hard. But you do not need her - and you need to not need her.

Cancel it . Rebook them a different location . You book the original location for yourself ( ask a trusted friend/person) if they’d like to join you if you are nervous about going by yourself.
Make this a part of your recovery, allowing yourself something for you not tainted by your mother.

@Chefpig it is odd yeah even if it was your real dad it’s odd cause they are a couple and the dynamics are different with you there as a spare wheel.

I love going away with my mum but would not go with stepdad unless my husband was coming to even it out.

question though, do you actually want to go away with your mum at all? She sounds a nightmare!

You haven’t actually said what she’s done. Just let them go on the holiday but pull out now. Tell her it clashes with a work thing and you hadn’t realised but to have a lovely time.

She might say ok and you’ll have to write the cost off. You did choose to go way over the top after all.

She might throw a fit in which case you can say, ok, you don’t want to go I get it. I’ll cancel.

I understand OP.

I have a similar DM and one of her things is always complaining that she never gets nice Christmas gifts from my Dad. It's never anything she wants etc etc. Always resulting in a row on special occasions. I was mid processing my own childhood and relationship with my parents and decided that so her 60th wasn't spoiled, I would buy her a custom made diamond ring that she had always complained she never got. More fool me, I worked so hard for that money. She liked it on the day, but has never worn it since. There was still a row on her birthday. She still complained every occasion afterwards. It was a hard lesson for me, but I definitely learnt. I thought that I could make her happy. I could not.

You're going to hate every day of that holiday. I would either send them on their own and be thankful for what I had learned, or come up with a reason it was cancelled, apologise and buy something token, just to move on.

And promise yourself, like I did, never to do that again.

So why did you book the holiday if she’s been a test for a lifetime? Having booked it for her, it would be appalling for you to cancel it.

It was a gift, you can't take it back because she has pissed you off, especially as its not new or unusual behaviour.
I wouldn't go with them though and stop trying to make her love you/behave better - she won't

I really want to tell them that there's been an issue with the booking so they can't go.

If I see or speak to my mother, she often ignores me, even if we've not spoken for a while or I've got something important to tell her.

Today I video called her to show her something important and she wouldn't look away from the tv. I asked her to look at what I wanted to show her and she wouldn't. If she's doing something when we're together inperson and she's watching tv or playing a game on her laptop or phone and I speak to her, she'll tell me to shush and completely ignore me. It makes me feel invisible if I'm honest.

Cancel the holiday and use whatever refund you get to book more therapy.

I'd also strongly suggest you do make yourself invisible by going no contact with her, she sounds appalling.

I think cancelling the holiday is going to cause a whole heap of drama and upset. So unless you're up for that, dont.
You chose to give the gift in full knowledge of your mums flaws and your history, and I think you need to acknowledge that was your mistake, and have a think about why you made it, so you don't do so again.
What you shouldnt do is use the withdrawal of the holiday as a punishment to bring your mum into line. It won't work. It will just heap more problems onto an already difficult situation.
Tell them you won't be joining them as things haven't felt very relaxed between you of late and you don't think time away will work.
This might open up a conversation where you can speak about what is difficult for you in your mums behaviour. Knowing it stops you wanting to be around her might give her pause for thought in a way withdrawing the gift (which will read as spiteful) never would.

I don't think the question is whether you should cancel the holiday but why you are so desperate for validation from her. Do not go on a holiday with her. Let her go away on the holiday and think of it as a grand gesture from you. And, get therapy for yourself.

Please don’t take them to your special place. Take a friend, or go alone. She doesn’t deserve your special place (where is it?).

Get them an afternoon tea or something instead.

I disagree with taking back a gift once you’ve given it. You’ve technically given her the gift already though she hasn’t used it. It’s like giving somebody a gift voucher and then taking it back because you’ve fallen out and they haven’t spent it!