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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DH to be considerate about the gym??

31 replies

Megirlan123 · 29/12/2025 17:34

So, this has been annoying me and wanted an outsiders prospective.
My DH has recently started going back to the gym in the past month. I’m keen for this because we aren’t getting any younger and he does need to start looking after himself more.
Anyway, by the time he goes to the gym, has a sauna and a swim, shower etc he is gone for around 2.5-3hrs.
I don’t have issue with this but he has gone in the early evenings the past few times (4 days a week) However, today I asked him if he was always going to go in the evenings for 3 hrs and we ended up bickering about it. He made me feel like I’m being unreasonable by asking him to sometimes go in the mornings etc so I’m not sat here 4 nights a week trying to get dinner, kids sorted etc etc. (3 kids, 2 school age) We are self employed if that makes any difference.

So AIBU asking him to be more considerate in when he goes to the gym ?

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 29/12/2025 17:36

Well he's hardly exercising in the sauna is he. He's dodging family life. I run, and go between 6-7am because I consider family life. He's taking the absolute piss and isn't even getting any fitter.

weirdoboelady · 29/12/2025 17:36

What would happen in your household if you mirrored him, and took off for 3 hours every morning to do an activity you enjoy (one which would make you healthier, if you want to go for full parity)?

Sirzy · 29/12/2025 17:37

Can he go a bit later so he is there when your all eating to help there a bit?

are the school age children young school age or teens who can pretty much sort themselves

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 29/12/2025 17:38

Well he needs to be doing his fair share of looking after the kids, housework, cooking, plus giving enough time to your relationship - so on that basis, I'd imagine he's being v unreasonable indeed.

Very few people have time for a sauna and swim after the gym during the weekdays - it's exercise, not an opportunity for a child free spa break.

You need to work out reasonable times between you. In generating an hour spent exercising is tops.

Squirrelchops1 · 29/12/2025 17:39

He doesn't need to be gone 3 hours every time, that's ridiculous. 1 hr normally with maybe 1 session a week longer to swim and sauna.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 29/12/2025 17:39

YABU!
He's basically dodging the hard, messy part of the day isn't he?

I'd match him for 2 weeks, let him have 4 nights the first week whilst youre out for 3 and you do 4 nights the next week the first week. Then ask him if he enjoys the new routine.

bumptybum · 29/12/2025 17:42

He’s being an arse. It’s gym and home. He can shower at home. Or if he’s really stinky gym and shower and home.

if he’s larking about for 3 hours it’s not getting fit he’s there for OP

Doyouthinktheyknow · 29/12/2025 17:42

Well I do similar on my days off work but I don’t have young children, mine are grown and dh is retired.

In your situation Yanbu, your dh is! That’s a lovely time for him whilst you do the evenings with 3 dc! You need to do the same and leave him to deal with the bedtime!

Nineandahalf · 29/12/2025 17:44

Yes that is a piss take
I go 6-7am every day
My DH goes daily too and uses the pool and sauna etc - but he goes after bed time for the kids and after packed lunches etc are made and everything sorted.

HorrorFan81 · 29/12/2025 17:45

Yeah thats ridiculous. My DH and I are both big gym goers but we trade off on the timings so its fair. Twice a week I go between 4 and 6 so he sorts kids dinner etc but i will clean up when i get back. Another day I will go at lunch time and make up work hours later. We both go on a Saturday morning whilst the kids are at a club. He tends to go late on in the evening once the kids are in bed, or might go for a run around dinner time on one of the days I am not at the gym

Absolutely no reason to be out that long tho, he is taking the mick and avoiding the household drudgery

SnowDaysAndBadLays · 29/12/2025 17:46

He's opting out of family life.

Megifer · 29/12/2025 17:46

How nice for him having a little spa break 4 times a week 🙄

This wouldnt even be a discussion in our house. Id be telling DP to stop taking the piss or leave if he wants to have the playboy lounging around lifestyle.

Parker231 · 29/12/2025 17:47

When do you get your time off family duty?

KarmenPQZ · 29/12/2025 17:49

Yeah my partner gos 6-7 am so he’s back for when the kids get up. No way would he think it was acceptable to go in the evening so often and long

Original poster
Megirlan123 · 29/12/2025 17:50

Thank you!

I don’t have the issue with the time to swim /sauna afterwards but not every bloody night!! I don’t mind, say 2 nights out if the week and 3 mornings but not 4 nights, like someone has said then he dodges all the nighttime stuff, younger kids are 10 and 13 (eldest does his own thing) but it’s dinner, homework, evening clubs etc.

I’ll be showing him these replies.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Bitzee · 29/12/2025 17:50

That’s absolutely taking the piss and he’s manipulating the health angle to check out of parenting. DH goes between 6 and 7am before the kids are even awake. I go to the work gym at lunch. If either of us were going to go in for the swim, sauna, extended relaxation type of thing we’d join somewhere with kids programmes and go at the weekend whilst they were doing a tennis lesson.

Echobelly · 29/12/2025 17:53

YANBU - I'd swear the worst point in my marriage was when DH was going to the gym when the kids were young. It wasn't the time it took, it was that he'd always be in a foul mood if he didn't make it and at the weekend he'd say 'I'm going to the gym this morning' so I'd sit around and not do things or take the car somewhere because he'd want it, but most of the time he didn't leave until after midday! And he didn't like being reminded about going so I'd basically be stuck at home until he left. I did ask if he could try to go earlier, not like 6am or anything, but just say 9 (at a time when we were up by 7 because of the kids) so our day was not contingent on it but he'd never do it. I wish I had put my foot down more!

Dozer · 29/12/2025 17:54

Selfish!

Horrorscope · 29/12/2025 17:55

How handy to be disappearing when there’s some work to do! And of course he’s trying to make you feel unreasonable about it.

Lazy, entitled arse!

outerspacepotato · 29/12/2025 17:56

He's checked out of family life and parenting in the evenings. 2.5 to 3 hours an evening 4 days a week is an awfully long time for swim, sauna, and quick shower. I swim a mile, take a short sauna, and quick shower and I'm out in under an hour and a half.

Sauna is not exercise and he can do that at another time. During the week, he needs to do his workout and a quick shower and be out of there in an hour and a half. He's leave ng you to do everything and that's unfair. He needs to parent too.

He's going to have to trim his exercise routine.

How far is he swimming? Because I do a mile in a bit over a half hour.

Icecreamisthebest · 29/12/2025 18:01

He’s taking the piss. While exercise and health are important they need to fit around family life not take over.

All the good parents I know choose to exercise in a way that works for their family. So they go for runs because it’s quicker and doesn’t involve travel time, do bike rides and walks with the kids, get up early if they go to the gym and are home to help with the morning routine, exercise in their lunch hour etc.

I’d be telling him that if he thinks what he is doing is ok then he will have no objections to swapping with you for a month. See what he says to that.

PithyTaupeWriter · 29/12/2025 18:09

Absolutely taking the piss. He’s living like a single man, with the benefit of a live in maid to do his cooking and cleaning. You should do the same, see how he likes it.

SereneCoralExpert · 29/12/2025 18:12

I don't know, if DH is around doing nothing, I'm fine leaving him to deal with the kids etc. He doesn't need me to make diner or anything, just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't handle things, and evenings are not a 2 adults job, that's the beauty of not being single.

However, if you plans, or want to do something else, of course you are not BU to tell him it's his turn to stay home and to go to the gym another time.

If one of us is busy/ working/ commuting/ has plans, the other step up - but we don't expect one adult to be stuck at home for no reason when there's no plan?

The risk is to resent someone when no one stops you from planning your own hobby, but you are punishing them because you prefer to have none in the evening.

Glittertwins · 29/12/2025 18:14

That’s a long time for him to be regularly of the house with young children.

KarmenPQZ · 29/12/2025 19:12

I read your first message ‘3 kids, 2 school age’ as for example 8.6 and 3 ie younger. But I guess you mean older. It’s still rude that he’s checked out of eating together as a family on those nights. Maybe ask him how many waking hour he’s spending in the same building as his kids and if he’s happy with that amount? I guess it’s more minutes than hours