To think friendships break more from envy than betrayal?

[CleverLemonOP]

People don’t talk about it but envy destroys more friendships than cheating or lying ever could.

AIBU?

Not really friendship if envy is a thing...

Cheating? On a friend...what do you mean?

I can only speak for myself but I've never ended a friendship because I was envious. I don't think anyone ever let go of me either for that reason. It's a bizarre suggestion IMO. I'd love to hear how you've arrived at this conclusion.

What is everyone having for dinner?

I know what you mean but I think it stops being a genuine friendship if someone is envious rather than celebrating someone else’s successes.

God, are we back to these 'I have such profound thoughts' threads already? Bring back the Christmas misery Olympics.

People don't cheat on friends.

Please give us some practical examples of envy.

I think friendships fade away, rather than break, from changes in situation ( eg like mothers making schoolgate friends because their children get on but that running its course once they go to maybe different secondary) or people just developing different interests and lifestyles as they get older. Think the envy thing is unlikely.

Interesting.

I've actively ended a couple of friendships and it was a betrayal of trust in both cases that caused me to end them. I wasn't envious of either of them. I don't think I've ever felt envious of a friend.

I just realised that neither of them were people I wanted in my life anymore.

However, in one case, it was because the friend was envious of me due to a specific incident and that led to the betrayal that broke the trust that caused me to end the friendship.

I think you’re right to some extent in that people like friends that are similar to them, in similar circumstances because that makes them more relatable etc, and most people have some insecurities so it’s not uncommon for someone to start to feel inferior to the other person if they start doing better for themselves or they change. Sometimes it can’t be helped if that makes them feel inadequate and sometimes resentment builds.

I do agree though that it’s best for a friendship to end if someone feels so insecure that it starts to interfere with their ability to be happy for their friend and celebrate their success, and said person should work on their self esteem if that happens.

I envy two of my friends certain aspects of their lives but both are very strong and very long standing friendships. I am honest with them that I envy them in certain ways and they can tolerate hearing it which is good (obviously I don't go on about it). I think envy is only a problem in friendships when the person who feels it can't accept it and it comes out in passive aggressive comments. And only if it's very strong envy. I would argue that most friendships contain some elements of envy but they're slight and easily repressed.

Most friendships are impacted by hurting each other. What sometimes happens is one party refuses to acknowledge their part & puts the other persons reactions down to envy or jealousy. Is that what you mean?

I think a lot of friendships are pretty superficial and fickle. They work because people are in a similar situation or close proximity.

When there’s a change in one’s circumstances, I think it’s hard for the other party to accommodate.

I'm not sure if it’s envy, per se, or maybe just “othering” or lack of common ground that makes it difficult to relate on the same level.

For envy, I think OP is talking more about situations where one friend gets a new job or promotion.

Or I’ve personally seen a lot of friendships drift because one woman gets married or has a baby.

Im not sure if envy is the best word or it’s just that one friend is moving to a messed of life?

The only friendships I’ve ever ended (x2) was for the same reason, because they became too intense and demanding of me and I felt very drained by them.

I definitely did not feel any envy. I felt a fair bit of guilt because they were not bad people but they had unaddressed issues that they started unknowingly pushing onto me. I’d say generally friendships end because the dynamics become shit.

I don't think I've ever ended a friendship although some friends have drifted and become more distant or just old acquaintances but that has mainly been due to distance and circumstance such as having less in common.

One friend has ended a friendship with me but I wouldn't have said it was due to envy or betrayal in the traditional sense, although I think she felt betrayed because I shared concerns I had about PND and some risky behaviours with her other half out of concern.

For me the only friendship killer has been people acting like we are in competition. Always puts me right off.

Are you ok? This is the second time I’ve seen you comment like this.

Yes, thank you. It disrupts the scraping.

Quite a light one this evening - bowl of veggie soup and avocado on toast, but quite pleasant and hit the spot.

None of my friendships have never been ‘
broken by betrayal or envy - probably because I’m a fairly even-tempered person myself and take care to avoid super intense and emotionally volatile people.

When my friendships end it’s because we’ve drifted apart, not because we’ve torn each other to bits or thrown one another to the wolves or stabbed each other in the back or sabotaged one another’s happiness.

Who has time and energy for all that?

If I catch so much as a whiff of drama from someone, or if they seem to have a lot of rivalries and conflicts in their lives, or talk a lot about being let down and disappointed / abandoned / betrayed / deceived by people, I back WAY the fuck off, as I have no time for the endless energy suck of friendship histrionics.

Genuinely think it depends on the friends, and length of time you've known them.

My 4/5 friends i've known since primary school/ early high school and beyond, we don't see each other much, I see a couple of them maybe once every 6 months, others are just messages, but I know they've always got my back if I was in a crisis, and the same goes for them with me. It's such a secure feeling, like family I suppose and I'm so grateful for them.

A couple of them are very successful in their careers, so talented, but dont get much recognition or salaries, ones filthy rich by divorce, ones a tv star, and there's a couple of us still floating around nearing forty and broke trying to find our "thing".

I honestly only want the best for them. I think friendships like that are hard to come by, two of my friends in particular have been through a lot when we were teenagers and briefly moved in with me (sisters).

God doesn't everyone want the best for their mates??

I suppose that sometimes people can be obnoxious about what they have. I have a friend who is very wealthy. He is the most down-to-earth person you could ever meet. I first knew him when he was a poor student, and he hasn't changed at all in my eyes, nor has my relationship with him.

I had a friend in college who was basically a young Hyacinth Bucket. All she could talk about was how well off her family was, and fashion labels, and the holidays she had. She probably thought people were jealous, but she was so superficial she was hard to take.

When I had kids I was relegated to once / twice year. They were single with no kids but I’d had two late relationship last chance saloon kids.
So that might be it. 😑

Change in interests, become grumpy and illogical, more narcissistic, find conspiracy theories all reasons I have moved on no idea what there was to be about jealous or envious about

Not that I've seen