To think friendships break more from envy than betrayal?

[CleverLemonOP]

People don’t talk about it but envy destroys more friendships than cheating or lying ever could.

AIBU?

The only people I have ever known who have said a friendship has ended because of the other person's envy/jealousy are actually people who have behaved rather badly in that friendship but don't want to admit it.

Friendships end for all sorts of reasons. Some sinister, mostly more pedestrian stuff like people just moving away or having less time.

I have never ended a friendship due to envy: I don’t really do envy. Comparison is the thief of joy etc. Life is too short to worry about stuff people have that you want. Either go out and get it yourself if you want it badly enough or chalk it up to something you don’t need.

Silently seething because someone has something you want is never going to make you happy.

No, OP, that’s one of those deeply silly fallacies that comes up on Mn. Someone says ‘Waah! There are fellow-parents at the school gate who don’t invite me on their nights out!’ or ‘My friend didn’t choose me as bridesmaid!’ and there’s an inevitable set of responses that say ‘Oh, they’re just jealous that you’re thinner/prettier/richer than they are!’

Friendships end for all kinds of reasons, and that’s fine. Not all relationships are lifelong. You will keep some workplace friendships after you leave a job, and those will develop into something else, while others won’t survive no longer being in daily proximity.

I think the concept of anyone being ‘jealous’ is quite childish, it’s often used as an excuse for people dropping friends but often it’s more because the friend accusing someone else of ‘jealousy’ is actually being annoying or unreasonable.

For example, often it’s around weddings - person getting married has unreasonable expectations of friends, who back off. They accuse former friends of being jealous rather than recognise they’re being a bridezilla.

Or person gets a new job/car/house etc and becomes a real bore/snob about it. Again, friends get bored and back off. New job/car/house friend accuses them of being jealous, instead of realising they’re being a dull money bore.

The only times I’ve actually cut off friends was once where someone was openly cheating on her husband and I wanted no part in knowing about it (she was using nights out with me as a cover story), and another former friend had an alcohol problem and nights out became just awful.

I’m sure actually both of these could be twisted into me being ‘jealous’ if they tried, jealous I didn’t have as much male attention, jealous I’m no fun? Couldn’t care less, it’s up to me who I spend time with.

Not jealousy.
But people and situations change, I’ve found as I get older I want to spend time with people I actually feel better for seeing.

Most friendships don’t end with any drama, though you wouldn’t think it from doomscrolling these pages. Those friendships that exist for a season or a reason just drift apart naturally.

My friend of 20 odd years met someone new and was convinced I was jealous of her new lifestyle as he was fairly well off.

Truth is, he was exceptionally rude and didn’t seem to like us. Very difficult to explain that.

We no longer speak sadly.

"but envy destroys more friendships than cheating or lying"

Not envy, but perhaps it's more about one person feeling "morally superior" somehow and projecting that onto their friends, thus destroying the relationship?

Disagree. There is a tendancy to see envy where there is none. Its a more comforting and self flattering reason to imagine one's friends no longer like us than looking to how we may have mismanaged the relationship, or simply accepting we no longer interest the person.

Yes this is exactly the kind of situation where a person behaving badly simply accuses the other of jealousy rather than take a look in the mirror.

I think anyone who thinks other people drop them because they’re jealous should consider their own actions first.

Well, exactly. Believing a friendship ended because the other person envies you your good looks, income, house, career etc is the ultimate in self-flattery. In this version of events, you did nothing wrong, you were just too fabulous for the other person to cope with so it’s all on them, you don’t need to ask yourself any awkward questions about your own behaviour etc. Which is a very comforting fallacy.

one friend is moving to a messed of life?

@jnh22 I love a game of Guess The Autocorrection, but this has got me stumped 😄. What was it meant to be?

Agree. I have a friend who will tend to accuse people of jealousy if they ever call her on bad behaviour. Its exhausting and it leaves people feeling they can’t raise issues.

Its a bit like those people on here who accuse posters who disagree with them of being “bitter”. Its the conversational equivalent of dropping a nuclear weapon: its makes the point unarguable and shuts down every single avenue of discussion.

’New stage of life’? Possibly?

Also agree, and the same people then pass on this way of thinking to their kids who then accuse others of being jealous when actually it’s their own bratty behaviour that means other children don’t want to be their friends.

I did have a friend who’d copy me all the time and not really mention it - that was weird. Was that envy? Lack of confidence? Or lots of coincidences - it felt weird tho

Ooh, you're good. That's a very plausible suggestion. Thanks 👍🏻

Same.

I agree. I've had disagreements and fall-outs over the years and "oh, they're just jealous" seems to be something trotted out without any particular thought.

Sometimes I might even have been at fault (!) but my mum always insisted people were jealous of me. I didn't automatically believe it though.

This is a very high level of drama. Any of my friendships that have ended have been due to much more mundane things like moving away, losing touch.

2 old friends have dumped me over the years. They definitely weren't envious or betrayed. I think they got tired of me and were not enjoying my company.

Would you care to join your thread @CleverLemonOP?

People don't talk about it because it doesn't happen.
Where are all these friendships that end in envy or betrayal?
Don't most people just stay friends or move on as life changes?

Where has OP gone? Was she envious of us or has she betrayed us?

What crap.

I think OP has written us all off as just jealous.