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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DM just needs to stop

41 replies

tallthemidwife · 28/12/2025 23:05

DM and my late father had a very difficult relationship which resulted in my father leaving when I was 11 (the eldest)
He wasn’t a good father and DM raised us mostly alone and to be fair to her, she struggled and it wasn’t easy.

DM didn’t wear it well and has always laboured on being ‘a divorced woman with 3 children.’ She’s never really moved on.

My father killed himself several years ago after a long period of alcoholism and estrangement.

30 years after their separation and 15 years after his death she still regularly brings up things he did - claims he was on one or two occasions violent. I’ve no reason to question this, they both drank a lot, the environment was extremely toxic although we didn’t witness anything. These stories are upsetting to hear and to be honest I’ve built a nice life and family for myself and I just don’t want to hark back to these times.

Ive told DM this but she persists on repeating herself. My father died alone, estranged from his family and I can’t understand why she can’t just let all this go. It’s like she wants to make sure we don’t have one positive thought or memory of him. We never speak of him so I don’t know why she feels the need to do this.

I’ve asked her not to bring these stories up but she persists, AIBU to say enough is enough

OP posts:
Endofyear · 28/12/2025 23:31

You've told her not to keep bringing it up and she's still doing it - next time she does it, say nothing just get up and leave the room. If you're at her house, say I'm going now mum, and leave. Your actions will speak louder than your words.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:34

It sounds like your mother experienced a pretty awful marriage with your neglectful father.

Could you help her process it? Ask her why she is repeating these memories and what might help. It’s ok if you don’t want to hear them but you sound quite uncaring.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:35

And if you don’t have positive memories of your father, surely that’s his fault?

Original poster
tallthemidwife · 28/12/2025 23:44

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:35

And if you don’t have positive memories of your father, surely that’s his fault?

Oh I do have positive memories but these could never be mentioned.
She did have a terrible marriage and I’ve spent almost 40 years listening and telling her how great she was as a mother, treating her and now I’ve just had enough.

Why can’t she move on, let bygones be bygones and be happy with the family around her?

OP posts:
Pollyanna87 · 29/12/2025 00:03

I understand you want her to not talk about it all the time, but you are being dismissive of the violence she experienced.

OkWinifred · 29/12/2025 00:09

YADNBU
She needs to leave the past in the past now.

It must be awful for you to have to hear about it time and time again.

Your mother is a very negative sad woman and it sounds like she wants you to be too.

Put a stop to it, and stop her from bringing you down.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2025 00:36

You are not the person she should be talking to about this. It isn’t fair, whatever age you are now. The child of a marriage isn’t the confident of either of the parents.

If your Mum had no friends or other family to confide in, or even if she does, she needs to speak to a professional about all this.

FuglyBitch · 29/12/2025 00:44

I don’t have helpful advice, but I’m experiencing a similar problem with my DM, she experienced a tough situation early in her marriage almost 50 years ago and she constantly goes on about it to me. I’ve asked her to get over it, stop or deal with it but she won’t, it’s draining. She’s approaching retirement and a big life change (emigrating abroad). I’m hoping it changes things, she’s very negative too, which makes it difficult to spend time with her.

i’d agree with a previous poster, don’t engage when she starts talking about it, she might get the message

Eenameenadeeka · 29/12/2025 00:57

Maybe you should start suggesting that she seeks therapy when she brings it up. If it's still bothering her all these years later, she might need help to process it - and you aren't the person who should have to support that.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 29/12/2025 01:02

tallthemidwife · 28/12/2025 23:05

DM and my late father had a very difficult relationship which resulted in my father leaving when I was 11 (the eldest)
He wasn’t a good father and DM raised us mostly alone and to be fair to her, she struggled and it wasn’t easy.

DM didn’t wear it well and has always laboured on being ‘a divorced woman with 3 children.’ She’s never really moved on.

My father killed himself several years ago after a long period of alcoholism and estrangement.

30 years after their separation and 15 years after his death she still regularly brings up things he did - claims he was on one or two occasions violent. I’ve no reason to question this, they both drank a lot, the environment was extremely toxic although we didn’t witness anything. These stories are upsetting to hear and to be honest I’ve built a nice life and family for myself and I just don’t want to hark back to these times.

Ive told DM this but she persists on repeating herself. My father died alone, estranged from his family and I can’t understand why she can’t just let all this go. It’s like she wants to make sure we don’t have one positive thought or memory of him. We never speak of him so I don’t know why she feels the need to do this.

I’ve asked her not to bring these stories up but she persists, AIBU to say enough is enough

How old is your DM? Is this a change at all from her usual behavior? When my gran started to have memory problems, I noticed she would talk about the past more, even the bad parts that I wouldn’t want to focus on. It was as if she started to talk about the past more and more and then when Alzheimer’s completely took over, she was stuck in it.

If there’s no chance it’s memory related, then it sounds like your mother is extremely traumatized and can’t let it go. Any chance she would consider therapy?

Sneesellsseashells · 29/12/2025 01:12

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:34

It sounds like your mother experienced a pretty awful marriage with your neglectful father.

Could you help her process it? Ask her why she is repeating these memories and what might help. It’s ok if you don’t want to hear them but you sound quite uncaring.

It does sound horrific but the OPs childhood was extremely difficult too. She is not her mother’s therapist and it is deeply unfair that her mother expects her to be. I agree with the other poster who suggests leaving when she brings it up, be firm with not going along with it.

EscapedTurkey · 29/12/2025 01:21

Sounds to me like your mother is deeply scarred and traumatised by what she went through and was never able to get help of make sense of it. It sounds to me like she’s voicing it for support and maybe she wants to move on but the scars run too deep. Maybe she’s only realising how bad it was now that life is calmer for her. I feel sorry for her.

Elsvieta · 29/12/2025 07:31

Well, perhaps it's because you've built a nice life - and she hasn't? She feels that he robbed her of the chance for a happy and lasting relationship, and now she's lonely? I'm sure she loves you and your siblings, but if you're all off doing your own thing as adults, she must be on her own a lot.

How would you feel if you tried to talk about abuse you'd suffered and your closest family member told you to shut up about it? Listen to her. Maybe set a time limit on it before trying to talk about nicer things, but a longer one. Repeat back so she knows you've heard and understood. Tell her you appreciate all she did for you. I think what she's really saying is that she feels she wasted a lot of her life. And it's making you feel uncomfortable and maybe even guilty. I'm sure she doesn't regret having you and your siblings, but she greatly regrets the marriage. And obviously the two things can't be separated, which is why her feelings are so complex. Don't brush it off; listen.

CopeNorth · 29/12/2025 07:44

she obviously needs to talk about it but putting it all on you isn’t going to help either of you. Could you suggest she seeks therapy?

Left · 29/12/2025 07:47

I wondered if it might be memory related as well as PP. I had an elderly relative who had an some tough times, and she would repeat the same tales on each visit, it became much more habitual in later years. She would follow the same patterns with all visitors - some would try and remonstrate, others tried a nod and smile approach- it didn’t seem to make a difference either way, she just would go through the pattern regardless of the audience.

Might be worth checking with others to see if she follows the same conversational patterns with them, as with you?

Lurkingandlearning · 29/12/2025 07:50

I would try something like this.

”Mum, do you remember me asking you not to tell me about this stuff anymore?” Hopefully she will say yes as dementia doesn’t seem to be an issue.
”So why do you keep doing it?”
If she says she still needs to talk about it, tell her she must get a counsellor and stop dumping her emotional baggage on you because clearly it isn’t helping her and it’s not good for you. And tell her, as PP suggested, that you are not going to listen to it anymore and will leave as soon as she brings it up again.

I honestly think some people get so stuck in their ruminating it’s almost impossible for them to get out of the habit without help or at least a serious conscious effort.

EleanorReally · 29/12/2025 07:53

she must have loved him at one point to marry him and have 3 children.,

MyDogHumpsThings · 29/12/2025 07:54

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:34

It sounds like your mother experienced a pretty awful marriage with your neglectful father.

Could you help her process it? Ask her why she is repeating these memories and what might help. It’s ok if you don’t want to hear them but you sound quite uncaring.

Don’t help her to process it - encourage her to get therapy.

She needs to process it (or just shut up about it to you), but you shouldn’t be the one to help her. You’re already upset by her frequent allusions to the past.

I grew up in a similar environment and also had to listen to my mum badmouthing my dad. They don’t realise how much it can hurt you. You need to tell her very explicitly, as a previous poster suggested.

MyDogHumpsThings · 29/12/2025 07:55

Elsvieta · 29/12/2025 07:31

Well, perhaps it's because you've built a nice life - and she hasn't? She feels that he robbed her of the chance for a happy and lasting relationship, and now she's lonely? I'm sure she loves you and your siblings, but if you're all off doing your own thing as adults, she must be on her own a lot.

How would you feel if you tried to talk about abuse you'd suffered and your closest family member told you to shut up about it? Listen to her. Maybe set a time limit on it before trying to talk about nicer things, but a longer one. Repeat back so she knows you've heard and understood. Tell her you appreciate all she did for you. I think what she's really saying is that she feels she wasted a lot of her life. And it's making you feel uncomfortable and maybe even guilty. I'm sure she doesn't regret having you and your siblings, but she greatly regrets the marriage. And obviously the two things can't be separated, which is why her feelings are so complex. Don't brush it off; listen.

Hard disagree.

She is her child, not her friend or therapist.

Devon1987 · 29/12/2025 07:59

She has proven she doesn’t care about your boundaries. You need to stand up and leave every time. My nan does this, I refuse to discuss my mother with her but she still tries on occasion to open a conversation about my mum with me. I now stand up and walk to the kitchen to make a tea and when I get back I ask about her friends/various appointments etc. She tries much less now.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 29/12/2025 08:14

I find MN so weird about this kind of thing. Half the time it's "your only role is to support people!" versus "they are toxic, go NC".

Anyhow... it sounds like she is experiencing some kind of trauma and cannot help the way she is behaving. She might also be of an age where "getting therapy" is alien to her.

Maybe, rather than wait till she starts, you can approach it proactively and say "Mum, you know you always...
I find that really hard when you do that...
I think it might help if you talked to a counsellor".

She may well say no, though.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/12/2025 08:20

Yanbu.

My dm brings up my dead dad (they were divorced, he was awful) randomly and its just arresting.

I'm living my nice life in my nice kitchen with my nice kids talking about what nice thick hair my dd has and boom! He is back in the room as my dm is chuntering on about what thick and lovely hair my dad had 😵‍💫🤯

I hate it

kiwiane · 29/12/2025 08:22

There need to be consequences for her bringing it up - leave if it happens or take her home.

Meadowfinch · 29/12/2025 08:24

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2025 00:36

You are not the person she should be talking to about this. It isn’t fair, whatever age you are now. The child of a marriage isn’t the confident of either of the parents.

If your Mum had no friends or other family to confide in, or even if she does, she needs to speak to a professional about all this.

This. The next time she does it, explain that you cannot listen to it any more, and give her the contact details of a good local therapist.

Even consider helping her pay for some therapy if she can't afford it.

SillyQuail · 29/12/2025 08:25

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2025 23:34

It sounds like your mother experienced a pretty awful marriage with your neglectful father.

Could you help her process it? Ask her why she is repeating these memories and what might help. It’s ok if you don’t want to hear them but you sound quite uncaring.

As someone whose dad experienced childhood trauma that he hasn't processed, it's likely that the OP has been fulfilling the role of therapist for her DM for a long time and has had enough. OP, it's not your job to hold space for your mum's experience. Next time she brings it up, say you'd rather not talk about this and if she wants to talk about it with someone, suggest she finds a therapist to do so. If possible for you, you could offer to help her find a therapist or help pay for it. It's not uncaring to set limits on how much or what kind of support you can give.

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