To think my DM just needs to stop

[tallthemidwife]

DM and my late father had a very difficult relationship which resulted in my father leaving when I was 11 (the eldest)
He wasn’t a good father and DM raised us mostly alone and to be fair to her, she struggled and it wasn’t easy.

DM didn’t wear it well and has always laboured on being ‘a divorced woman with 3 children.’ She’s never really moved on.

My father killed himself several years ago after a long period of alcoholism and estrangement.

30 years after their separation and 15 years after his death she still regularly brings up things he did - claims he was on one or two occasions violent. I’ve no reason to question this, they both drank a lot, the environment was extremely toxic although we didn’t witness anything. These stories are upsetting to hear and to be honest I’ve built a nice life and family for myself and I just don’t want to hark back to these times.

Ive told DM this but she persists on repeating herself. My father died alone, estranged from his family and I can’t understand why she can’t just let all this go. It’s like she wants to make sure we don’t have one positive thought or memory of him. We never speak of him so I don’t know why she feels the need to do this.

I’ve asked her not to bring these stories up but she persists, AIBU to say enough is enough

“Mum, enough! You won, you’re here and he isn’t.”

Stand up and walk away. Every time.

This is a really important point, because it's abusive towards OP. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. Also note it is women who end up in this pseudo-therapist role for the parents, rarely the men, so it's another expected form of emotional labour expected from females.

She needs counselling, she’s trying to use you as her therapist but understandably that’s inappropriate and upsetting for you.

Can you write her a letter and explain how you feel? Be compassionate, she sounds like she is stuck in the disappointment of her own life.

You are conflating two different things. One is wanting your mother to move on. The other is not wanting to hear stories about your father. You can't do anything about the first but you can about the second. You have asked your mother to stop telling you these stories so you need to get more assertive. As soon as she starts on a story say you don't want to hear it and then hang up, archive the chat, leave the room as applicable. Go and do something else. She should learn fairly quickly that you are not going to listen. If she still doesn't stop then you need to take some space away from your mum for a while.

I agree with this. It was a long time ago but perhaps being at op’s house brings the memories of how your mum parented and struggled alone right back.

There can’t be many people she can speak to about this.

However op, equally, I understand you wanting your mum to move on and that’s the crux of it really isn’t it? Someone who is content and happy in the here and now doesn’t usually feel the need to constantly revisit their old life. Does your mum need more new experiences to block out the old? What are her hobbies? How does she spend her time?

It’s really not as simple as leaving the past in the past when it comes to deep rooted trauma but you’re not the person she should be off loading to. She needs therapy.

Aside from that, what does her life look like outside of her family? Does she have a job? Friends? A social life, hobbies and interests?

We all feel sorry for her. But going on and on about it to her daughter is unlikely to be helping her. And is obviously distressing her daughter.

If we want a better outcome for both of them we should not be guilting the daughter. We should be suggesting ways in which the daughter can protect herself first of all,and if it's needed and feasible, directing her mother towards more constructive ways to deal wih her residual distress.

It’s a bit like this @SalmonOnFinnCrisp . People who haven’t experienced traumatic upbringings probably find it hard to fathom why it’s so difficult to have the peace of mind we worked so hard for, shattered.

I totally understand my DM is processing what happened to her but by her own admission she only ever thought of the separation as something that happened to her, not her children. Her feelings were always paramount, and to this day they still are. I just want my need to leave the past behind to matter as much, to be as important as her need to voice her thoughts.

Friends have sort of moved away , one friends much loved husband of 50 years died and Mum announced to the group that when she had therapy (after the separation) she was told that separation was like death so she had experienced the same.

Unsurprisingly that friend has moved away a bit and I think gradually as they have all had tough life experiences, they’ve grown tired of the same stories being told. I can understand why to be honest, although I feel so sorry for DM as she is a kind of person

Not necessarily. She could have felt trapped. Been coerced. Sounds like OPs dad was a bit of a twat.

She may have felt her life with this man was wasted.

I'm sure she's happy that she has her children who she single handedly brought up by the sounds of it. But I do get it OP.

She needs professional help and is obviously not able to just shut up and move on. I agree you shouldn't be the one to give her the help she needs.

Completely agree. It is not benign for the OP listening to all of this bad mouthing of her father. It upsets her greatly. She does not need to set herself on fire to keep her mother warm that is completely unfair. Her mother needs to get appropriate support herself. Families should have healthy boundaries and that is not happening here.

I’ve been here with a family remember and it’s horrible. She sees her own suffering and not yours. You can’t fix her. You can move around or away from her but ultimately there is so fix unless she does the work to process her situation. It sounds like she’s settled into the victim role fairly well so I’m not sure she can change.

@Floatingdownriver I don’t think she can change. I agree with other posters that kindness is her due but it’s a case of balancing that with what i can deal with.

From your update OP it’s possible that she is not capable of having enough empathy to change. My husband’s sister was similar and got worse as she got older. It’s tough.

I’m kind of in two minds here.

firstly, if it’s literally the same stories over and over again, in my mum this was the beginning of dementia.

if not, then I am sort of in the same situation. I left a twenty year marriage due to violence. It us genuinely quite hard for me to never mention him at all.

fir example we were away over Christmas and I remembered a time we’d done something in the past when they were kids and I have to remember NOT to say “hey do you remember doing this as kids” because it would remind everyone of him.

sometimes my filter slips and I do say “hey we did this”.

it’s not out of malice. There’s just a massive period of my life I can’t talk about to my kids.

Jesus, that is not OP's responsibility.

OP, I would explain to her that if these events are still playing on her mind decades later, she needs professional help. She can get referred for six weeks talking therapy via her GP or in some areas via self-referral. Offer to help her access that and then tolerate no more repetitions.