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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
MrsofClaus · 28/12/2025 23:14

Red flags from the protective partner? I would expect my dh to protect me from abuse.

Nearly50omg · 28/12/2025 23:16

Your husband is vile! I’d be making sure he finds somewhere else to live and make sure your son knows he’s gone from your life or you will lose him completely due to siding with your husband

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:17

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:06

Ok. My mum was abused and battered up and down the place for two years back in the day when trying to kill your wife was just a domestic. Do I blame her? No. I blame the bastard who did it to her

Please stop putting the blame on this woman for her husbands actions. It's unfair

Show quote history

Plus there is no blame here. She has asked what to do. Many people have said what she needs to do if she wants to repair her relationship with her son and do the right thing - which is getting rid of the husband. she seems to be answering other points but not that, she needs to address it either way even if she decides not to divorce..

IAmKerplunk · 28/12/2025 23:18

I did tell ds I loved him no matter what

Maybe it’s just me but that sort of expression is saved for a dc who has done something wrong. Not for a dc who has done nothing wrong. Is he supposed to say thank you that you love him despite him being gay?

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:18

MrsofClaus · 28/12/2025 23:10

No but if your dad had mentally, physically (or both) abused you and she was a bystander then she's at least part of the problem. I had a similar childhood and do partly blame dm.
I would never allow anyone to abuse my dcs.

Show quote history

He wasn't my dad. He was my stepfather. She tried everything to get him out but he would not go - and no he didn't touch me. She took the beatings. Every weekend for two years This was in 1978 when women had no protection at all. Police did nothing

My dad is a useless arse who has lots of money and left my mum with virtually nothing when they split - but he wasn't completely evil like my stepfather. I'm sorry you went through that. My only point is - it's not the mums fault that her husband is a racist bigot and of course I hope she gets rid of him

Laura95167 · 28/12/2025 23:18

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 19:57

You side with your son.

This. Just this.

researchers3 · 28/12/2025 23:19

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:41

I am really sorry for you. I can't ever envisage my mum turning my back on my brother if she thought he was gay. She's 76 and she never would. Your husband is a bigot - and you might have to choose between them sorry to say

Show quote history

I agree, but im not sorry to say! The husband sounds bloody horrible.

OP you are being too passive and minimising. I also cant believe that after causing this problem and rift he's gone off drinking and youre ok with this.

Your husband is an ARSEHOLE.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:19

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:17

Plus there is no blame here. She has asked what to do. Many people have said what she needs to do if she wants to repair her relationship with her son and do the right thing - which is getting rid of the husband. she seems to be answering other points but not that, she needs to address it either way even if she decides not to divorce..

Show quote history

Some people are pointing the finger at her in their replies

DeathStare · 28/12/2025 23:19

OP your updates make your husband sound like even more of an awful person, and the excuses you make for him don't cast you in the best light either.

Regardless, you now need to make a choice - and if you loiter there probably won't be a choice to be made. So are you going to stick with your son or are you going to stick with his abuser who has driven him to want to kill himself?

Nearly50omg · 28/12/2025 23:19

Go to your ds house on your own and tell him you are leaving your h and won’t be having his nephews living with you etc and your h views aren’t your own etc - only way you will not lose him

Jonnyenglish · 28/12/2025 23:19

Jesus Mary and joseph all the best op @Reallyti

Christmascaketime · 28/12/2025 23:19

Your poor son. The migraine clearly was stress. Are you happy with dh he sounds awful. I’d make it clear to son you love him and are happy he’s happy and see him only without dh from now on.

hypnovic · 28/12/2025 23:19

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

You divorce the prick and keep a relationship with your son.

MCF86 · 28/12/2025 23:21

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/12/2025 22:50

Why is she a terrible mother? Don’t be so nasty when she’s had a shock and dealing with it as best she can. She didn’t know her husband was going to go full on dick mode! He won’t answer her messages but she’s saying she supports him. No need for you nasty reply at all!

Show quote history

he's always been in full on dick mode

JHound · 28/12/2025 23:23

Your husband is a twat

Spookyspaghetti · 28/12/2025 23:23

Having read your updates, your DH sounds like a pretty evil guy. He only has one son and has managed to have a truly terrible relationship with him. Why? Because he doesn’t meet his standards. I hope your husband is a rocket scientist with perfect GCSE, A Level and degree results. Most parents say that they have known all along in some level their child’s sexuality. Your H has a bad relationship with your son because he has never been able to accept who he is. Your H has pushed your son towards suicide. What does this man bring to your lives exactly that is worth losing your son?

PixieDust91 · 28/12/2025 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

scotianova · 28/12/2025 23:24

Namechangerage · 28/12/2025 23:17

Plus there is no blame here. She has asked what to do. Many people have said what she needs to do if she wants to repair her relationship with her son and do the right thing - which is getting rid of the husband. she seems to be answering other points but not that, she needs to address it either way even if she decides not to divorce..

Show quote history

Actually any of us said what sge she should do is go to her son, or contact him. That is the first step because getting rid of the husband isn’t immediate. It won’t be a fait accompli until they’re not living together. But her so. Needs to see or hear or read she is on her side while it is still his birthday and his mother is still in the place where he lives.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:24

Spookyspaghetti · 28/12/2025 23:23

Having read your updates, your DH sounds like a pretty evil guy. He only has one son and has managed to have a truly terrible relationship with him. Why? Because he doesn’t meet his standards. I hope your husband is a rocket scientist with perfect GCSE, A Level and degree results. Most parents say that they have known all along in some level their child’s sexuality. Your H has a bad relationship with your son because he has never been able to accept who he is. Your H has pushed your son towards suicide. What does this man bring to your lives exactly that is worth losing your son?

Nothing in the OPs post suggests that her husband was the person who pushed the son towards suicide

IAmKerplunk · 28/12/2025 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What doesn’t a father want from their son?
What wouldn’t a father approve of their son?
What do you mean get back on track?

I really hope I have misinterpreted your post

Beesandhoney123 · 28/12/2025 23:28

Your dh has gone drinking leaving you alone, so there is more to this really.
Op, you saying you paid for the hotel and would be £££ to pay again - why isn't your dh paying? Is it a joint account?

Will your dh come back drunk and abusive? Assume you'll be driving tomorrow as he might still be over the limit. It might be worth saying you'll be moving out for a bit, and rent an air bnd for a month or something. Just to have a break, see a solicitor and have some peace to think. Also to see what your dh does.

CJFJ1 · 28/12/2025 23:29

IAmKerplunk · 28/12/2025 23:26

What doesn’t a father want from their son?
What wouldn’t a father approve of their son?
What do you mean get back on track?

I really hope I have misinterpreted your post

Show quote history

You've just typed what I was thinking too.

IAmKerplunk · 28/12/2025 23:30

CJFJ1 · 28/12/2025 23:29

You've just typed what I was thinking too.

Show quote history

Glad I’m not the only one thinking wtf!

Laurmolonlabe · 28/12/2025 23:31

I'm afraid you are going have to accept this cannot be dealt with without tackling your husband , just not upsetting your son further will not guarantee you will not lose him- you have to take his side and tackle your husband- I don't believe for one nanosecond it is just your son's bf that is the problem. Clearly your son being gay is a problem for your husband-he knows it shouldn't be, and that is why it is all hung on one bf.
Your husband needs help , if he cannot accept his own son- if he can't accept he needs help you need to choose between your son and your husband- this problem will not resolve itself.

Sasha07 · 28/12/2025 23:32

No, I wouldn't have had any of that. I wouldn't have had my son upset by his dad. I wouldn't have let his dad keep making little comments. I would have been standing infront of my son telling my 'd'h to leave immediately. Not a chance would I have let my 'd'h pick at my son since the moment we got there. My son would know I was his safe place and I would have made sure he was comfortable in his own home, with his partner. I'm mad at your husband but I feel like you could have made your stance a lot more firmer.

As to what to do now. I would go to his door. Even if the bf answers and son doesn't feel ready. I'd need to let one of them know that I'm 100% behind him, whatever makes my son happy. That I 100% do not agree with or support the way his dad behaved. That I'm absolutely sickened by his behaviour and that my son was hurt. I'd feel so protective over my son that I'd just need to let him know that he's got me. And that it's ok if he needs some time away from his parents again. (It'd hurt but his head is probably spinning after that.) I'd have to let him know that I will be thinking about him constantly and to please, please reply to me when he feels in the right headspace to speak about it. And 'd'h would be getting a very short thrift after I'd told him what I thought of him.