To expect a thank you?

[Stayingafloatish]

I don’t know if I am being old fashioned, but growing up we always had to write to or telephone anyone who had been kind enough to get us a birthday gift.

These days things have of course moved on. I usually send a voice note/text/video from my children to the person who gave them the gift, but always ensure they say thank you in some way.

My DC has been to a number of parties for school friends lately and we haven’t had a thank you from any of them.

One of the parents said her dc opened the gifts so fast they had no clue who anything was from.

Do people just not do a thank you anymore?!

YABU: Saying thank you is old fashioned
YANBU: I always make sure my DC say thank you

Don't they thank you when you hand the gift over?

Did they say thank you when you handed them a gift at the party?
I get a separate thank you note if you sent anything by post but don't really understand doing it if you already thanked someone in person as they were handing you a gift.

There’s usually a token “thank you” as the gift is handed over, but I was alway taught that when you say thank you, you acknowledge the specific gift itself e.g. “thank you so much for my bath bombs, I can’t wait to use these at the weekend.” Or similar. 🤷🏼‍♀️

They thank you when you give the gift.

I would do that for a gift from a grandparent or similar. A kids party would just be an endless round of thank yous if everyone had to be that specific.

I’ve been surprised by this too. Gifts are often just piled up in the corner rather than given to the birthday child (so no opportunity to say thank you) and there’s never a word of acknowledgment. When it was DS’ birthday, I made a list of who gave what and then sent messages of thanks to all the parents but nobody has ever done it back to me/DS.

Well, you may have been taught it but that doesn't make it any less "token". The giftee may have hated their bath bombs and they went straight to the bin but called you to wax lyrical about them to "be polite". It's about as token as a generic "thanks" at handover.

i Always used to send a text to the parents afterwards saying ‘thank you so much for X, thank you for coming etc etc etc’
ive never once received a similar message so I’m afraid I think its the norm now

edited to add
as my DC opened their gifts, I would write a list of who it was from and what the gift was so I could keep track

If we came to the party, gave someone a gift and on leaving said thanks for inviting us and they said thank you for coming….another thank you after this seems complete overkill. I wouldn’t expect a further text to say thanks for the present.

I only did small parties and did send messages like you say, thanking people for the specific item, but realised I was the only one doing this so stopped and just made sure my children said thanks when given the gift.

We only do thank you cards for relatives that we don't see. Otherwise if it's grandparents then the children usually open the present when they are there, or for the in laws that live further away, they say thanks on the phone

I wouldn’t expect a thank you for a gift given at a class birthday party, I only spend £5-£10 and I don’t put any thought into the gift I just buy something that’s on offer at the time of shopping or regift something that DC didn’t want. Gifts given to close friends and family are different.

DS17 calls everyone to say thank you at my insistence, DD3.5 sends voice notes and I thank people on behalf of DD1

But you haven’t opened it then so it’s not really enough

We're the same! At my daughter's last party she had 36 children attend and so 36 gifts. She wrote thank you cards for every single gift, we have only once received a thank you card from another party. I find it so, so rude.

If somebody has bothered to buy you a present then the least you can do is proffer a personalised thank you. It’s basic manners.

Saying thankyou when recieving it is enough.

Why, or you end up with with a thank you for the invite, then a thank you for the gift, then a thank you for the party bag, and a thank you for attending, then specific thank yous afterwards, which then requires yet another thanks for having my kid at your party again.

Nothing wrong with saying thank you for a gift as it's handed over at a party, and a thank you for coming.

I didn't write things down as you did but since there were 8-9 friends I pretty much knew who gave what (especially as some parents asked before what to get him).
What's really easy is to say thank you to everyone for coming and thank you so much for the gifts on the WhatsApp birthday group. It takes 2 sec. If anyone has given a very thoughtful gift (like something linked to my ds interests) I will write a separate message to say thank you.

What people are missing when they say "oh my dc says thanks when the children hands over the gifts" is that the children are not responsible for getting said gift. So a thank you to the parent is the polite thing to do.

I was always made to write a thank you card for presents. As a child I hated doing it but as an adult now and parent I’ve brought my kids up to do the exact same except these days it’s a text message. In my opinion good manners cost nothing but as others have said it seems to be the norm now

The initial thank you is sufficient, no need for multiple thank yous. I do often sent the mum and additional one myself - thank you for coming, x was happy to see y, thank you for her card/gift. I don't bat an eye if nobody else does that.

Did you thank them for the party? My experience of having children’s parties was the various tat they received as gifts was mostly in the bin within weeks. Child thanked the other child when it was given and I certainly wouldn’t have been wasting my time following up with additional thank yous afterwards for most of it. Especially as it’s cost was clearly nowhere near what it had cost to host their children. Obviously not the case with proper friends and nice gifts.

I always expect my children thank the hosts for having them before we leave a party.

Manners cost nothing, I can’t abide rudeness!

Glad it’s not just me!!

I reckon some people, say a thank you when given a gift is enough as they can't be bothered to write a card or help their child do one. My kids are 20-24 and still send thank you cards, they've been brought up with manners.

Clearly there are different levels. It's better to over-thank. I find that the posher the people, the more they affirm.
Thank you for coming - Thank you for inviting/having me: said at the end of the party. (At arrival: it's so good to see you - it's a pleasure to be here)

Most important is thanking someone directly for something specific: 'Thank you, Granny, for the gift card to XX, I love shopping there.'
'Thank you for the boots, Auntie Layla. I'll think of you every time I wear them'

On today's instant 'comms', communication is key so everyone should be diligent. Even my poshest ILs love to text and are content with a texted TY. At a minimum, it clarifies that the gift has arrived and one does not need to pursue (n)Evri or similar.

'Thank you' when being given anything is easy - I've had pupils thank me when I laid a test on their table!

When I was a child, my mother made me write thank you notes on special cards. These were excruciating but excellent training. The note could never start with 'thank you' but rather a description of the item and how you would enjoy using it. Later in the note it was 'thank you for thinking of me/remembering my birthday' and somewhere in there was 'I look forward to seeing you ... '

I duly taught my DDs to write these notes and when they were smaller, their friends wrote them too. They used to give each other writing paper!!