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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think manners were always a 'thing'

59 replies

Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:01

I remember being a little girl and noticing that my mother never said 'please' or 'thank you' to anyone in the family. I remember resenting being told to 'pass me the butter' or 'go and get my purse' etc and as I approached the end of primary school, noticed other children's parents saying please and thank you to them and thinking it was so weird.

So then I decided to enforce 'please' and 'thank you' with my sister who is 6 years my junior. I remember being on this big mission to make sure she had lovely manners and I actually became obsessed with saying please and thank you to people.

Then when I had kids, my mum told me I was being bossy when I made my own children say please and thank you and that it was OTT. Everyone comments on what lovely manners my children have so I don't care if my mum thought i was being OTT.

Anyway, recently I was talking to mum and she said that when she was a child, nobody used manners (born in the 50s). I said what about at home? What if someone gave you something? She said that nobody ever handed her anything (!) and so there was never any need to say please or thank you. She said 'all this please and thank you stuff' is a modern thing and nobody taught their children to say it in her day.

Am I right in thinking that this is just rubbish and maybe her mum didn't bother with manners but the rest of her generation did?

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 28/12/2025 17:03

My mum was bought up in the 60s (she was born in 1947) and she always enforced the manners for us too as it was how she was bought up.

TheChosenTwo · 28/12/2025 17:04

What?! I mean I certainly know people with poor manners but they are very much the exception to the rule!
Manners are important, they convey gratitude and respect and people are so much more likely to want to spend time with you/help you/support you if you show them basic manners.

Talltreesbythelake · 28/12/2025 17:09

She is wrong, my parents were young in the 50s and they definitely were taught manners and brought us up to say please and thank you. I remember my grandparents asking me to say please before they passed me things at the dinner table, so manners were very important then. In fact, my grandparents would call their close friends Mr Smith or Mrs Jones and shake hands on meeting. They were not fans of being casual!

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:17

I knew it. What she was saying are absolutely no sense but she was trying to imply that nobody in her generation was raised with manners and that it's a modern day phenomenon. And then when she said that there was literally never a reason to say please or thank you because nobody ever physically gave her anything except her meals which were already on the table. I thought it was so strange.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 28/12/2025 17:21

I was a child in the 1950s and was taught to say 'please' and 'thank you', so were other children - and (thankfully), they still are!

I think your mum is an isolated case. It's sad nobody ever gave her anything.

However I must say I didn't always find adults to be very well mannered. They might have done the 'please & thank yous', but in other ways, were quite ill-mannered at times, didn't show respect.

EveSix · 28/12/2025 17:25

For some reason, I find your mum's take on this fascinating. My mum and grandma were definitely into their pleases and thank yous.

I wonder what it was that made your mum so adamant it wasn't a thing?

Swiftie1878 · 28/12/2025 17:27

Your mum is just rude and trying to justify it. She’s talking complete nonsense.

RawBloomers · 28/12/2025 17:27

Please and thank you was for outside the home, not family when I was growing up.

Power26 · 28/12/2025 17:27

If anything I think manners were more prevalent in the past as social etiquette? Calling your teacher “sir” for example? Wasn’t it very much children should be seen and not heard? Ie polite, causing no trouble etc?

cobrakaieaglefang · 28/12/2025 17:30

Even DH grew up having good manners, in a 1950/60s children's home. which was otherwise quite a brutal placeI grew up with manners, as did our children. It was commented on when they were little, sitting nicely at the table, please, thank you, can you pass the..., may I leave the table etc

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:32

RawBloomers · 28/12/2025 17:27

Please and thank you was for outside the home, not family when I was growing up.

I think this was her experience. Like you didn't waste manners on children, or your husband for that matter. I don't think she says please or thank you to my dad (vice versa) and I think they find it weird that DH and I ask for things politely even though we are married:-)

OP posts:
MrDobbs · 28/12/2025 17:33

My parents didn't say please or thank you but my wife's parents did and I try to ensure I do it with my children.

However, tone of voice was very important at home when I was growing up. So I (probably wrongly) assumed that politeness was implicit in the way I was speaking even though I didn't say please.

I also find it very grating when I hear the opposite, i.e..someone talking in a rude or aggressive tone but adding "please" or "thank you" - I would actually find it less bad if they dropped the pretence of politeness.

I don't think this is normal but not sure if anyone else had the same experience.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:34

EveSix · 28/12/2025 17:25

For some reason, I find your mum's take on this fascinating. My mum and grandma were definitely into their pleases and thank yous.

I wonder what it was that made your mum so adamant it wasn't a thing?

I don't know! I don't think my grandma was a very good parent and I don't think mum was brought up very well. My mum is probably trying to connect the dots between not being raised to use manners and the fact that I hammer it into my kids.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 28/12/2025 17:43

Some rougher type people might have been like that but in my experience pretty much everyone in the working class world of my youth had manners.
That was the norm throughout society.
Perhaps your mother now realises that she lacked something in her own upbringing and is trying to justify it as the norm. Rather than face the pain that her parents weren't bothered to be more attentive.

HelenaWilson · 28/12/2025 17:46

Anyway, recently I was talking to mum and she said that when she was a child, nobody used manners (born in the 50s).

I was born in the 1950s. Manners were very much a thing. Saying please and thank you - everywhere, not just at home or with family - or no thank you if you didn't want what was offered, writing thank you letters, greeting and speaking to relatives who visited the house, or who you were taken to visit, giving up your seat on the bus, not pushing in a queue.

And at both my primary and secondary school, we stood up when the Head walked up to the front of the hall to take Assembly.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:48

alexdgr8 · 28/12/2025 17:43

Some rougher type people might have been like that but in my experience pretty much everyone in the working class world of my youth had manners.
That was the norm throughout society.
Perhaps your mother now realises that she lacked something in her own upbringing and is trying to justify it as the norm. Rather than face the pain that her parents weren't bothered to be more attentive.

Yeah I think this is what happened. My mum was raised in a working class home but I had a more middle class upbringing and don't know if she is working that all out in her head too.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/12/2025 17:53

I was raised in a 1960s working class home and manners were even more important to us! We knew that we were looked down on by those who were better off (ie, my mum's entire family) and so were encouraged to be extra-polished with manners and respect towards our elders, so as not to give them anything to tut about.

Appearances were everything back then, clean socks and frocks to meet adults, speak when spoken to, don't shout, be polite...

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:55

There is definitely a trend in older people I know that they find it odd when, for example, we treat children with respect, or offer them the same meals as us, or plan around them a bit.

But as far as I know they're all super pleased that my son and his friends all say please and thank you etc.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:01

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:55

There is definitely a trend in older people I know that they find it odd when, for example, we treat children with respect, or offer them the same meals as us, or plan around them a bit.

But as far as I know they're all super pleased that my son and his friends all say please and thank you etc.

Yes my mum finds it odd when I give my children choices. But also when I dont give choices (water or water!).

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 28/12/2025 18:02

Be seen and not heard
do not put elbows on the table
do not start eating before everyone else
do not leave the table until everyone has finished.
ask to be excused before leaving the table
please and thank you but never ask for anything

born 1962 London slums

Pedallleur · 28/12/2025 18:04

Just her. Good manners cost nothing. My teen daughter is always polite and it works for her. Even gets free stuff in certain shops!!! People have commented on her manners. She is a credit to herself

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 28/12/2025 18:05

Your.mum is weird. Sorry OP. Manners cost nothing and they can mean the world. I would carry on as you are

EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/12/2025 18:06

My DM always ensures that we had good manners, she was born in 1950. My DGM’s born in 1920’s were both very ladylike and always had good manners.
Your mother is rude and making excuses.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:10

My mum says please and thank you when we are a shop or at a cafe etc. If someone gives her a gift she says thank you and always made us ring our aunts and uncles to say thank you for gifts. But she never used it within the family at home and it wasn't a natural part of our daily life. 'Having nice manners' didn't seem to be a concept that she bought into, but she did know when was the socially appropriate time to do it outside of the home. For me, manners are integral to all of my relationships, kids, husband, colleagues, strangers. I dont have no manners at home then good manners outside of the home. Am I making sense?

OP posts:
TheRealMagic · 28/12/2025 18:12

Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:32

I think this was her experience. Like you didn't waste manners on children, or your husband for that matter. I don't think she says please or thank you to my dad (vice versa) and I think they find it weird that DH and I ask for things politely even though we are married:-)

Show quote history

There are still lots of people like this! I once got quite mocked on MN when I said that DH and I say thanks to each other for anything we'd thank someone else for, e.g. 'thanks for hoovering', 'thanks for putting the bins out', 'thanks for putting the kids to bed', etc. I remember being a little hurt by the posters saying this was ludicrous and overformal but for me it's mad to be less polite to your partner than you would be to someone you don't even like.

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