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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Arrangement

39 replies

Walksey · 28/12/2025 16:17

I am remarried, been together 25 years. I have 2 adult children with 2 young grandchildren. I am their only living grand parent. I have ALWAYS spent Xmas with my daughter and my grandchildren. My husband has been happy to join me.This year he said I should go to his family. We always see them on Boxing day.
I went to my daughter's and he went to his son's.
AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2025 16:19

After 25 years it wouldn’t have killed you to go to his family for Christmas. He’s been extremely accommodating.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 28/12/2025 16:20

so in 25 years he’s not spent Christmas with his family, or you with your son?

Sirzy · 28/12/2025 16:21

Sending a very clear message that his children don’t matter there!

if he has spent every year with your children then fair would be for you to have made some effort to see his on Christmas Day

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2025 16:21

Is DH saying YABU?

You both did what you wanted and neither prevented the other one from their plans - short of getting both sides together for Christmas (which could cause all sorts of logistical and hosting issues), it sounds like you both settled on the best option.

notatinydancer · 28/12/2025 16:22

Not fair on him at all.

ThatCyanJoker · 28/12/2025 16:22

I like your this year’s arrangement. I’m in a similar position and might adopt that going forward. It’s one day- I can manage without DH and he likewise.

Ubugly · 28/12/2025 16:23

Couples can spend xmas in different places, he can spend with his kids and you can go to your daughters. Really don't see the big deal and he could have done this the last 25 years if he wanted to!

Wolfpa · 28/12/2025 16:23

When did you have the conversation about where you were going?

Createausername1970 · 28/12/2025 16:24

Maybe he is fed up of ALWAYS spending Christmas day with your family. You haven't ALWAYS spent Xmas day with your young grandchildren.

If this was a woman complaining they always have to go to in-laws, the replies would be let DH keep going to his family, but you toughen up and go to yours.

The boot is on the other foot - but the sentiment is the same.

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 16:25

Are you asking if you are being unreasonable for never spending Christmas Day with him and his son in 25 years? A quarter of a century?

I mean, really, are you asking that?

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2025 16:34

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 16:25

Are you asking if you are being unreasonable for never spending Christmas Day with him and his son in 25 years? A quarter of a century?

I mean, really, are you asking that?

I think this depends on whether OP’s DH has been desperately trying to spend Christmas Day with his DS for 25 years while OP has forced him to accompany her to her DD’s house against his will, or whether he has willingly chosen to spend Christmas with her over his DS during this time.

Assuming he has made his own decision for the past 25 years and hasn’t been coerced by OP, it doesn’t sound like it’s OP’s fault if her DH has taken 25 years to realise they can spend a day apart without imploding.

harriethoyle · 28/12/2025 16:35

Your poor son. Strong golden child vibes about DD. And yes YABU imposing this on DH for 24 years.

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 16:36

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2025 16:34

I think this depends on whether OP’s DH has been desperately trying to spend Christmas Day with his DS for 25 years while OP has forced him to accompany her to her DD’s house against his will, or whether he has willingly chosen to spend Christmas with her over his DS during this time.

Assuming he has made his own decision for the past 25 years and hasn’t been coerced by OP, it doesn’t sound like it’s OP’s fault if her DH has taken 25 years to realise they can spend a day apart without imploding.

Show quote history

I agree and that's what I was wondering too - the AIBU isn't remotely clear.

Lots of people split arrangements over Christmas, so I am just trying to get to the bottom of it really.

As you say, if he's been asking to rotate for years then it's one issue, but if it's that she is annoyed that he went somewhere else this year then it's another.

Livelovebehappy · 28/12/2025 16:53

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 16:25

Are you asking if you are being unreasonable for never spending Christmas Day with him and his son in 25 years? A quarter of a century?

I mean, really, are you asking that?

She has been spending with him, but not his son. I can’t see what’s wrong with that. If OP had been demanding that her DH only saw her family every Xmas every year, then fair enough. Both should be allowed to do what they want to do. I’m sure DHs son, who has no family connection to OP, isn’t going to be too upset that she doesn’t spend Xmas with him. His df married her. He didn’t.

Original poster
Walksey · 28/12/2025 17:02

To clarify...he has always come to my daughter's ( or my son's if he has hosted). I have always said he could go to his family (which incidently includes his ex wife). This year he insisted I go with him to his son's, leaving my daughter and grandchildren on their own. I didn't go. We hosted both families yesterday.

OP posts:
PluckyChancer · 28/12/2025 17:06

Not enough info!

Does DH also have grandchildren and does he want to see them opening presents on Christmas Day?

What about your other adult child? Do you ever spend Christmas with them?

shesaysshestiredoflifeshemustbetiredofsomething · 28/12/2025 17:07

Is your daughter a single parent?

herbalteabag · 28/12/2025 17:15

Sounds like your daughter doesn't have a partner? I can see why you'd always want to go there. But is your son invited too? What does he do?
I think it's fine for your dp to go to his family if he wants to.

Silverbirchleaf · 28/12/2025 17:19

I’m surprised your haven’t done alternate Christmas and Boxing Days before. You don’t have to be with your dd on Christmas Day and alternate days are more normal. What about your other son?

What happens when they all have children - what are you going to do then? Or why don’t you invite his sons and your dd and gc to your house all together?

You seem to think your dh is in the wrong for deserting you(and choosing his son over you) , but you’re not supporting him.

SweeetFannyAdams · 28/12/2025 17:20

Why can't your son host his sister and her DC occasionally?

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2025 17:21

So dh hasn't had xmas with his own kids in 25 years

Original poster
Walksey · 28/12/2025 17:30

I am asking if I am being unreasonable going to my daughter's when he said I was wrong to do so.
There is no problem with my son and no problem with my husband's family, who know that I have always spent family with my daughter/son.
The problem I have is with my husband who told me I was wrong and should be at his family's Christmas. All his grandchildren are adults.I usually see them on Boxing day.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 17:40

Livelovebehappy · 28/12/2025 16:53

She has been spending with him, but not his son. I can’t see what’s wrong with that. If OP had been demanding that her DH only saw her family every Xmas every year, then fair enough. Both should be allowed to do what they want to do. I’m sure DHs son, who has no family connection to OP, isn’t going to be too upset that she doesn’t spend Xmas with him. His df married her. He didn’t.

Show quote history

He has been spending it with her and her daughter - that's not the same thing as spending it with him - he has been with her doing what she wants. For 25 years.

Yes I agree people should be allowed to do what they want to do.

And her dm married him - the daughter didn't, it's not his daughter but he's had to go there for the past quarter of a century rather than spend time with his kids.

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 17:42

Walksey · 28/12/2025 17:30

I am asking if I am being unreasonable going to my daughter's when he said I was wrong to do so.
There is no problem with my son and no problem with my husband's family, who know that I have always spent family with my daughter/son.
The problem I have is with my husband who told me I was wrong and should be at his family's Christmas. All his grandchildren are adults.I usually see them on Boxing day.

Well no one is unreasonable for wanting to spend time with those they want to on Christmas Day. I suppose in 25 years you might at least once have spent time with his family, but you didn't want to. I can see that he feels he has been obliging to your preferences but not his. And I am sure you can see that too. But also he gets to make his own choices and could have been going to his son for that whole time. This isn't a right/wrong thing - it's just preferences. That said, many people alternate to make things fair. Particularly if you can see the other person's family the following day.

Rhaidimiddim · 28/12/2025 17:44

Walksey · 28/12/2025 17:30

I am asking if I am being unreasonable going to my daughter's when he said I was wrong to do so.
There is no problem with my son and no problem with my husband's family, who know that I have always spent family with my daughter/son.
The problem I have is with my husband who told me I was wrong and should be at his family's Christmas. All his grandchildren are adults.I usually see them on Boxing day.

Why did he feel the need to change things up this year, all ofba sudden? What is his argument that you are, suddly after all these years, " wrong" to be doing what you've always done?