AIBU to let motability pursue a claim

[ForTicklishHam]

I have a Motability car for my health needs, which my husband and I both drive. From time to time I give a friend and her 11-year-old son a lift home from karate, along with my own son who attends the same class. I have asthma and use a nebuliser in the car, which plugs into a socket that was fitted specially for my medical use.
My friend’s son has ADHD and other difficulties, and I do try to be understanding. However, his behaviour in the car can be very challenging. My friend often excuses it by saying it is because of his conditions and does not set firm boundaries. She allows him to use the socket to charge his devices, even though I have explained I may need it for my nebuliser and would prefer it be kept free as it's harder to take away what he has once he has got something then say no in the first instant.
On one journey recently I became unwell and had to use my nebuliser. My husband was driving at the time. The boy became very upset because he could not charge his iPad and ended up smashing a heavy toy against the car window, breaking it. My friend did not take this seriously and suggested it would have been easier if we had just let him have his way. Not even an apology.
We reported the damage to Motability to arrange a repair and were told as it was deliberate it would need to be paid for. I was honest with them about the circumstances, they suggest I talk to my friend about agreeing to pay. I spoke to her about this, but she dismissed it and said it was our fault for not letting him use the socket and insinuated I should call motabilities bluff as they won't charge me because they pay for everything. Motability also confirmed the socket should not have been used for charging devices at all as it was fitted by a charitable grant for the nebuliser only.
In the end, I was told my choices were to pay the full cost or pay the excess and let Motability pursue the matter which may involve charges been brought, I assumed they meant her but have since came to realise the child is above the age of legal prosecution. I cannot afford the full amount, and I do not feel it is right that I should pay for damage caused by someone else. I have also been advised not to give them lifts again, as it could risk my vehicle if further damage was to happen. Which didn't go down well either.
My friend is now telling others that I am taking her to court over a car I get for free, which is not true the letters have came from Motability who gave her 14 days to pay. She also claims a police officer terrified her son by threatening to arrest him for the damage and that the will now have this on his record. All this was done by motability as I just provided their details and the camera footage. I feel very upset by the situation, but I believe I have done the right thing. I am asking whether I am being unreasonable for paying the excess and allowing Motability to deal with the rest, even if it has consequences for her. I understand parenting a child like this is hard but she won't say no to anything if he asks even when it's not hers to give.
I think she has been led to believe that motability provide everything regardless of how the vehicle is looked after but this is not the case and especially recently they are now tighter with money and reluctant just to pay for repairs that are not normal wear and tear.

Well she’d be an ex friend. And I’d never let him in my car again.

It’s a shame you ever felt the need to tell your friend you had a Motability vehicle in the first place. People saying it’s free, it’s not, you’re giving up your PIP mobility component to pay for it. Of course, Motability will want people to pay for deliberate damage themselves.

Your friendship is effectively over, so just leave her and Motability to sort it out themselves. She needs to learn, her son’s ADHD doesn’t give him a free pass. He’ll end up in prison eventually otherwise.

The poor son has grown up learning that he gets his own way no matter what, your friend needs a big wake up call and this is it!
I would be tempted to send a very clear message stating how the Motability system works and exactly how their policies work/ charges for repairs etc. photograph bits of out their policy documents if you can. Include the bit from them about how the socket shouldn’t be used for charging devices. I would then keep this message and if anyone brings it up show them it, so you have proof of the facts and proof that you have clearly informed your friend of how things work. That will stamp out her lies.
Stick to your guns on this, you are absolutely not being unreasonable and your friend needs to learn to accept consequences.

Such a reasonable, considered response.

The car was your responsibility. You chose to give the lifts, you chose to let him use the charger . I think yabu.

Having had things fixed on my non-Motability car, if £600 covers parts, labour and VAT, it doesn't seem unreasonable at all - i assume they have to take a door apart for it. My friend who uses a main dealer for his car often pays more, alot more.

An 11yo shoukd be able to accept medical needs are more important than his, and just accept no being no, even with ADHD. Surely part of learning karate is about self-discipline and learning to control violent urges?

This friend places no value on the favour you used to provide, or the allowances you made to accommodate her son’s needs. She sees your disability as a hall pass to a free car & thinks she’s entitled to share in the ‘freebie’. Let motability deal with it, let her say whatever she wants, and let her walk. She sounds awful, and if she’s not capable of taking responsibility for her or her child’s actions, that is perhaps a looking glass into why her child’s behaviour is so bad. Plenty of children with ADHD wouldn’t smash a car window because their iPad is temporarily unplugged. And iPads can run without a direct power source.

I don’t think that is an accurate reflection of the situation at all. The issue is the Mum of the child with ADHD being unwilling to attempt to have any boundaries whatsoever. She could have mitigated this by ensuring the iPad was charged sufficiently for the journey before they set off.
There are likely to be further incidents in the future where this Mum’s lack of parenting will have financial consequences.
OP is right to allow Motability to pursue the family for the costs. Window replacement is expensive for reasons others have outlined.
OP - I am sure you will just say no to use of the socket for any reason other than your nebuliser going forwards and leave others to deal with any fall out from their children.

Your friend is awful.

Never give them a lift ever again.

Sorry but I also voted YABU.
Are you always such a pushover?
It a port has been added to a car for considerable expense for medical purposes why are you allowing anyone else to use it?
You and the boy/ his mum should pay half each as you’re both culpable here.

I think YABU because you shouldn't have let it get this far. As soon as it became clear that both she and you were unable to stop the child using the USB port without a meltdown you should have ceased to allow child in the car.

This

Given her attitude to parenting her child her response to footing the bill can’t be that unexpected. You could and should have avoided this situation altogether but chose not to. This friendship has run it’s course.

Well that took longer than I thought it would

I’m surprised you thought that it should be covered by the scheme. You’ve let this happen and you should have some responsibility.

I imagine the £600 will be because they have to chase the costs? Will it rise if not paid by a certain point?

Shes incredibly entitled and has treated you horribly. So you would not be u to cut her from your life.

I have severe adhd, my husband has adhd. Our children have adhd …

that doesn’t absolve any of us from responsibility. I his is an excellent lesson for both of them. Hopefully this will hit home to
her that her son is actually going to have to be responsible for his actions.

The sheer lack or respect for your health and possessions blows my mind. “If you d have let him use it/Well you get it for free…”

People who listen to her and agree with her are just not worth bothering about. It’s disappointing but people are wankers.

Forget about your disability and Motobility for a moment.

It’s your car and you get to decide what is acceptable behaviour by any passenger in your vehicle, adult or child.

If I give a lift to other people’s children, they are very firmly told to behave otherwise the lift will not be continuing. I will not put up with bad behaviour and if a child is unable to manage their behaviour, they don’t get a lift. I’ve had to get very firm with a couple of DS’s friends when they were in Primary school trying to show off. They very quickly learnt that I was not a pushover parent!!

It’s not my responsibility to provide transport for other people’s kids. It’s being done as a FAVOUR.

You had the parent in the car so you only had to tell the parent to manage her son’s behaviour. As she was clearly unwilling to deal with him, you should have stopped the lifts at that point and explained why.

I do think you need to accept some responsibility for the subsequent damage the boy caused, because you could easily have prevented this by being much firmer from the very beginning instead of being a wuss.

As a parent, I fully expect to take some responsibility for dealing with any unruly children when they’re in my home or car.

YOU set the expectations not the child or the child’s parent.

Of course you're NBU, but the Motobility thing may be a bit of a red herring - with an attitude like this she'd probably have found some reason not to pay even if it wasn't

Like others I grow tired of absolutely everything being blamed on ADHD, and that's if it actually is ADHD and not just a flippant excuse for lack of parenting.
As a PP mentioned, how are all these young people expected to cope with the real world in years to come, never mind hold down a job?

You hold some responsibility here yourself for not holding firm boundaries with your friend. Using the charging port should have been a hard no from the start from you and the moment your friend ignored and pushed you on it lifts should have stopped. No idea why you allowed the situation to continue.

It is about time someone gave that mother and kid boundaries. Jesus fucking christ. Leave her to it and never speak with her again. Tbh i wouldn't have continued giving them a lift when the mother wasn't able to stop her son using the socket. It would have been 'i am really sorry but because your son is not able to respect that he can't use the socket unfortunately i am not able to give you lifts any more'. End of conversation, no more debate.

I'm finding it really difficult to understand how there were 3 adults in the car - you, your husband and the boy's mother and yet not one of you could bring yourselves to tell this child 'NO'.

Beggars belief really.

Your friend sounds like a dick but it’s your car and your responsibility to decide how and when it’s used. Long before now it should have been a case of the point isn’t used for charging devices other than your medical one and anyone that doesn’t like it can make other transport arrangements. Having allowed the situation to persist you have to pay up and then potentially try to pursue your friend directly for recompense.

Is it just the glass?

And is it notability or their insurer you are dealing with?

oh dear. Yes, you should have stopped the situation sooner, but what a friend! No great loss really.

And how old is the child....
The reason for the question is my decades in insurance.
If a disabled child smashed the glass during a melt down, I would not describe this as a deliberate act. I would class is as accidental damage. It would be subject to the glass excess and the glass would be replaced by one of the 2 glass replacers.

Keep us updated OP, this kind of cheeky fuckery is the sort of thing ill remember in 4 days from now when im doing something random!