Daughter at new GF house for xmas

[ZingyBalonz]

i (48f) have a little girl (5) and her dad (34) split just before she turned two. We were still very much ‘together’ for some time after, whilst we tired to work through things but weren’t living to tether or sleeping together. Anyhow fast forward a while and he starts seeing a girl not long after my Dad died last year and my Mum became incapacitated all in the space of 6 weeks. I was ok with it, by that stage as I had enough on my plate. Anyhow about 6 mths later my daughter was introduced to her and she likes her and this I great (I haven’t met her). My issue is, he did some pretty nasty stuff to me last Xmas and took our girl to a friends house and I did Xmas alone. This year, I’d been asking him over and over what the plan was and a week before he tells me he’s taking her to his GF’s brothers house in the morning. Essentially I don’t have an issue with this, but I feel even though this has been his new GF for a year that he should have talked to me about it first - I can’t imagine how badly he’d have reacted if I’d done the same thing with a new partner. He then also told me that his new GF is like family now, so her family is like family and that makes them family for our daughter too!!!

Does your DD live with you? If your DD spent Christmas with him last year, is it not your turn this year?

He should have discussed it with you, irrespective of the girlfriend. It’s not down to him to simply tell you what he’ll be doing with your daughter. That’s something you discuss and agree between you.

I think that if he’s seeing someone who your daughter likes, who is presumably kind to her and treats her well, and whose family make your DD feel welcome, it might be better to pick your battles. I think she sounds better than your ex, at this point.

It sounds as if some boundaries are needed around your time/his time. My dc’s dad and I alternate Christmas. Usually on the off year we’ll see her on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, but if we’re away for Christmas we’ll arrange that she spends an equivalent amount of time with the other parent after Christmas and before new year. This could work for you but if your ex won’t discuss such things then maybe he is abusive and other measures should be taken.

We’re 50/50 and decided to split the day as we live near each other

As I said I don’t have an issue with it per say just the assumption I would have to lump it - it’s been a very very difficult time for me and for my bubba as she saw me go through hell, and she’s a sensitive wee thing so I just feel like these are the things that need to be discussed not decided ya know?

As her father, he doesn’t need to discuss anything with you. When your DD is with her father, he can choose to parent her as he thinks best, just as you can on the days you have her.

Unfortunately he doesn't actually have to discuss with you what he's doing once you've sorted out the timings . It's part of the learning curve of being seperated. If you've agreed that he's got DD 50% of the day then that's all you need to know. Please don't set yourself up for future angst of knowing what hes doing etc, he equally has no rights to dictate what you do in 'your' time.

Timings-wise you can have a say, unfortunately you get no say at all about who he decides can associate with your daughter unless they’re a risk to her. So you pretty much do have to lump it, if he is the sort (as it sounds) that he can choose and be all about his rights as a parent with less about his responsibilities.

Yeah, I do see where you’re coming from, but this isn’t something you get a say in and to start a row over it (because he does sound like the sort of man who would turn a discussion into a row) is only going to cause extra upset for you.

Be grateful that she’s nice to your DD and that you now have the freedom to do what you like, with whomever you like (although I suspect you’ll be far more sensible who you introduce to your DD and when).

Yes well the ‘introduction’ apparently happened earlier than planned by accident as they ‘bumped into her in bunnings’…… which of course all my mates say is a load of BS but still. I have no issue with her, I don’t know her, I’m not ready for that yet, but to me it’s about communication and respect of which I’m getting neither. He’s acting like they’re going to be the new family and I’m the spare part already…..(there’s a long line of things that have happened!!)

I’m with your mates; of course it’s rubbish. It’s laughable that he expects you to swallow that. But all you can do is roll your eyes and say ‘yeah, ok then’.

He sounds awful. You aren’t ever going to get communication or respect from him. So it’s about doing the best for you and for your DD. Don’t chase him for weeks trying to establish what he wants and when is best for him. Offer him the chance to discuss it with you and he doesn’t want to do that, then tell him you’ll be making your own plans and he can fit in around you.

He can act however he likes, but he can’t change that you’re her mum. That will never change. You will never be a spare part, no matter what he says or how much he acts like you don’t matter. He might be your DD’s father, but other than that, he’s irrelevant to you. His opinions on your role don’t matter.

This, if you don’t want him to have a say in your parenting you can’t expect to control his.

Is the age difference a big thing? Was he in 20s and you 40s when you got together?

But that’s one of the issues I absolutely want him to tell me if he has an issue with something, it’s so unhealthy not to. I would never cross the line with a new partner, and I guess it just shows why we split as we have different values 🤷🏼‍♀️

He as in his 20’s and I was in the (late 😂) 30’s and yes it seems that after 7 years and a baby it made him uncomfortable and broke my heart but im over that and just want a really happy healthy Co-parenting relationship but it’s so hard when I just don’t trust him anymore (a lot has happened) and I understand he has his ‘rights’ as a parent but also what about just being good guy ya know?

If you parent 50/50 you obviously trust that your little girl is generally well looked after when she's with him. It's really none of your business which friends/family of gf he sees when it's his time with your little one, just as it's none of his business what you do when you have your daughter as long as neither of you are being reckless/abusive/neglectful. You might not like it but there's not much you can do about it.

Do you give him a full itinerary of when and where you'll be going whilst your daughter is in your care? You've obviously had a crappy time so it's understandable that everything else looks shitty too. But he's not being the bad guy here. Ease off and make sure your daughter doesn't see any of this tension. I speak from experience, it will affect her and her relationship with you if you kick up a fuss in situations like this.

I do actually I tell him our plans, and if I’m taking her anywhere ‘unusual’ like away for the night etc then I tell him to make sure it’s ok (even if it’s people he knows) and I sure as hell would speak to him before I took him to a partners family’s house on Xmas day……she’s his child 🤷🏼‍♀️ maybe I just have a different value system. I might not have to legally but I feel morally I should.

@ZingyBalonz you sound as if you have a degree of anxiety about how he might respond to things- do you? I certainly did and I was forever bending over backwards to accommodate his need to know what we were doing together- but he never felt any obligation to return the favour. It’s hard to break that habit of thinking and behaving but with a a man like this I think you have to try, or you’ll never have any peace of mind .

i also recognise this rewriting of history to write you out of the story. It’s more convenient for him if you don’t exist any more- of course it’s outrageous but he isn’t interested in how you feel, only how he feels and his new GF (until he goes off her and wants to bring in another new GF).

Did he pay for her sausage sizzle? Bunnings has a lot to answer for. Pigs arse they “bumped” into her. DH came back from there the other week swearing (lying) that he wouldn’t be back for a long time.

DD has now met the gf. There is nothing you can do about it but suck it up.

However, get your holiday arrangements nailed down. You don’t want to create habits where you are left short changed. DD is now in school, arrangements need to be more structured.

You can’t force him to conduct the coparenting relationship the same as you would. This is who he is and for your own well being you need to let go of who you wish he was.

I think you need to separate the issues here and be clear what you’re upset about.
You’ve had a horrible year or two and he treated you badly which is crap but not actually relevant to the issue here.

Him introducing her to a new partner is something I think parents should discuss but I know others disagree.

They’ve been together a year and it’s natural for him to want to spend time with her at Christmas and spend time with her family.
If your daughter likes her and is treated well and if her family welcomed your daughter then that’s a good thing for her even though it might sting a bit for you.

My friend married a guy with two kids. They were welcomed into our group, invited to events etc. Maybe their mum didn’t like that much but surely it’s better they were welcomed and accepted as they did become our family.

Unless you have any genuine concerns for your daughter then you’re going to need to suck it up and accept where you all are I think. He might have been a shit partner but is he a shit dad now?

Your 'being good'seems you trying to dress up as 'he wont do what i say' you are being controlling no matter how you dress it up

Unless there is danger or abuse then what he does in his time is none of your business

Respectfully, I said I don’t essentially have an issue with it but it absolutely is my business where and with whom my child will be on Christmas Day.

He’s being a “good guy”! He hasn’t done anything wrong at all. You just don’t agree. It doesn’t make you right and him wrong. I’m afraid I think it’s you, not him, who is creating an “unhealthy relationship”. Let it go.