Daughter at new GF house for xmas

[ZingyBalonz]

i (48f) have a little girl (5) and her dad (34) split just before she turned two. We were still very much ‘together’ for some time after, whilst we tired to work through things but weren’t living to tether or sleeping together. Anyhow fast forward a while and he starts seeing a girl not long after my Dad died last year and my Mum became incapacitated all in the space of 6 weeks. I was ok with it, by that stage as I had enough on my plate. Anyhow about 6 mths later my daughter was introduced to her and she likes her and this I great (I haven’t met her). My issue is, he did some pretty nasty stuff to me last Xmas and took our girl to a friends house and I did Xmas alone. This year, I’d been asking him over and over what the plan was and a week before he tells me he’s taking her to his GF’s brothers house in the morning. Essentially I don’t have an issue with this, but I feel even though this has been his new GF for a year that he should have talked to me about it first - I can’t imagine how badly he’d have reacted if I’d done the same thing with a new partner. He then also told me that his new GF is like family now, so her family is like family and that makes them family for our daughter too!!!

Good advice, and thank you I’ve already looked into mediation for the new year.

Trust me when I say if I’d have go e the same thing on Christmas Day the shit would have hit the fan…….🪭

No, it isn’t. You have no say whatsoever. If it was agreed that her father would have your DD then, he can take her wherever, see whomever and do whatever he thinks best with HIS child. He doesn’t have to tell you anything and nor does he need your permission.

I speak from long experience. I divorced my ex when my ds was 2, so I had 16 years of this type of problem. For your own sanity you have to seperate out that you're not going to have a say in any of this. The bench mark is 'is he good enough' you will drive yourself crazy if you expect him to do what you say, because just because you've decided to tell him doesn't mean that he then has to return that information. Mediation won't do anything at all because no one can 'make' him do anything at all, as long as his parenting is adequate, he has no obligation legally or morally to consider whats gone on for you as he's no longer your partner, he's simply a dad. Seperate it all out, don't tell him what you do, live your life, he lives his. Co parenting definitely isn't your ex telling you everything he's doing during his contact times and who with.
Flash points will always be Christmas, birthdays etc but you need to step away because it's you you'll be making unhappy. Yes, you both need to chart the times etc so your daughter is secure, but don't make it about knowing what's happening all the time. I can categorically say my son's dad was just about capable of doing basic parenting and my ds now at 23 has no contact with his dad. He took me to court 5 times to get a judge to 'tell me' supposedly how it was going to be. All it did was cost him a lot of money and he still only defined times and dates.

No it's not. Unless you have legitimate concerns about his parenting or if he was taking her away for a week abroad or whatever, there is no need for you to know. You're being too controlling, you need to let it go before it becomes an argument between you and your ex and, more importantly, before your daughter clocks onto the tension you are causing.

gosh it’s so painfully obvious which comments are from men and which are from women. When my child is 5, yes it’s my business where she is on Christmas Day.

What is that supposed to mean? Are you suggesting because I said you're controlling that I must be a man? (I can assure you I'm not!). Read the responses in the thread. Are all the people that said the same men? People have tried to be understanding and kind to you, it might be worth considering some of it because you are controlling and you are risking your relationship with your child if you make this an issue.

I don’t think so. It is clearly not your business where your child is on Christmas Day if it is her father’s day to have her!
I am a woman and the mother of two adult daughters.

I'm a woman with a now adult ds. I think you're assuming that knowing where your daughter is the same as knowing the full details of who she is with, it really isn't. Particularly from 5 upwards a judge looks at the fact that you're sending a child to school daily to be amongst people you don't know... Therefore what's the difference? You can ask for details of where she is (an address etc, which is what ex and I exchanged if he took ds away on holiday etc ) but he certainly didn't tell me who he was with.. A gem from my past ' mummy' says 3 year old ds, 'daddy's new girlfriend has known me since BEFORE I WAS BORN tisnt that AMAZING' ... Yep... Ex had an affair with my midwife and then married her ... Respectfully, because I have well and truly been there, done that and worn the t shirt, you'll drive yourself crazy if you don't start to pick your battles

I understand what you’re saying but school is different from Christmas Day. It’s not about control it’s about courtesy and respect of which he gives me neither. I have to agree to disagee with those who says it’s none of my business where she is and with whom, she is my baby, especially on a special day like Xmas 🤷🏼‍♀️

Courtesy and respect doesn't come into seperation and divorce. A judge doesn't expect the other parent to show courtesy and respect, a judge expects minimum fuss for the benefit of the child. You're going to wind yourself in knots if you continue along this line. I'll bow out now, you're within your rights to disagree with everything all of us are saying who have trodden this path already, but in doing so you'll only be hurting yourself. And, she's not a baby, my ex was awarded overnights and holidays when my ds was 2 years old, be very careful what you wish for. I hope you're able to find peace x

You can disagree all you want but you are not correct I’m afraid 🤷‍♀️

You can disagree as much as you like but the law says you are wrong.

Well, OP is in Australia (see ref to Bunnings) so nuances may be different.

Valid point, I have no idea! But also want to do everything I can to avoid any legal proceedings so whilst this is a hill I will die on I’ll have to do it on the inside 😂 it’s just frustrating when the OP can just behave however they like (a lot has happened….) and the have to take the higher ground all the time. But I guess that’s just the way it has to be!

I don’t think he should have to discusd or have permission to spend Christmas with his girlfriend your child has already met.

Oh no I never said he needed my permission but I’d like to have been told in the several times I tried to organise the day and then was told a few days prior. And I know, if I’d have taken her to a BF’s place and said ‘well that’s her family now’ he’d have gone ballistic. But anyhow, it’s done now 🤷🏼‍♀️

Meh. I split with my husband after 13 years of marriage. I soon said to him that if you trust the person you’re with then I trust your judgment. Happily we’ve jogged on ok for the last 7 years with three kids between us. If I need him I reckon he’d be there for me.
You have to just let go of this man. Just let go and trust that your daughter is with people that have her best interests at heart, until there is evidence to the contrary.

Also, the age difference isn’t comfortable for me. Having a child with a person who is still a kid themselves when you’re an adult is a bit of a red flag. Of course it wasn’t going to work out. Sorry.

Legal proceedings can be your friend. Do not discount them. Child arrangements and financial details are not insignificant and having clarity is useful. Especially if he goes mental if he disagrees with you.

Without having a legally binding agreement in place, Ex can behave on a whim and you have no recourse, no backstop, no leg to stand on.

He wasn’t a child when we had her he was 30 😂 also if it was an older guy and a younger women no one sees the issue. It’s a shame that attitude still exists. We were together a long time before we had her, and it was his wish to start a family so we did 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you're in Australia then certain things are different (maintenance is paid on gross salary for example) my sister became step mum to a 2 year old in Australia and in some ways the mum did seem to be allowed to have more opinions on what the dad did or didn't do.

Yeah we are, and it’s complicated as neither of us have family here and we had her during COVID in Melbourne and it was horrific and it’s no surprise we spilt under that pressure. I have no support and manage pretty well on my own but I feel like I’m always supporting him and am very accommodating, so it’s healthy for our girl. So this is why I feel let down I guess, all I ask is a conversation and transparency - regardless of what his ‘rights’ are or what the ‘law’ is, just being kind goes a long way ya know.

He told you a few days prior? What’s the issue then?

Id asked him over and over and he knew all along he was just being difficult, and as I said if I’d taken her to a bf’s house without talking to him he’d have gone apeshit. I feel and (clearly others disagree 😂) that if she’s only met my daughter a few months ago then Christmas is a bit much but I guess that’s just my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️