Am I being unreasonable? Husband has repeatedly hidden what I feel are serious things from me

[Monkeypoop]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel completely exhausted and don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

From the very start of our marriage, my husband has repeatedly hidden things from me. This includes receiving nude photos from a so-called “gay best friend” and taking out loans without telling me.

For context: we moved into our house while I was a student. The house is only in his name because at the time we didn’t see the need to add me, and we were told it could involve fees and potentially affect our rates. I still pay my share.

Over the years I’ve discovered:

• He didn’t pay the mortgage while he was between jobs, despite me earning a good wage and paying my half into the joint account (I could have covered it if I’d known).
• Factor fees were missed because he changed providers and never set up a direct debit.
• Council tax payments were missed and it’s now been escalated to a sheriff clerk due to non-payment.

Throughout all of this, I repeatedly asked if everything was okay financially. He lied to my face and told me I had nothing to worry about. At the same time, he was talking about booking family holidays and we recently bought a new car, with him putting down the deposit.

Everything came to a head on Christmas Day and I feel completely done. The repeated lying and gaslighting has triggered a lot of childhood trauma for me. I’m emotionally exhausted, my mental health is suffering, and it’s starting to affect my ability to be the mum I want to be.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way, or is this as serious as it feels?

Both. You are not unreasonable to feel awful amd it is serious. You need to get out of this relationship- he's taking advantage financially and will wreck your credit rating.

You'll never be able to relax and feel content with a man like this. Start the new yr with someone you can trust - yourself.

The trust is broken - he has repeatedly lied, this would mean the end of the marriage for me.

It’s a huge red flag that the property is in his name only sorry. Get legal advice on that asap. Did you pay the mortgage / bank directly or him?

It’s a huge red flag that the property is in his name only sorry. Get legal advice on that asap. Did you pay the mortgage / bank directly or him?

This is really serious. You could end up homeless. I couldn't trust a man who acted this way. I think you need to leave and set up your own home to provide you and DC with the stability you need and you deserve.

He is not to be trusted.

I don't know how buying a house with someone works, if you aren't named as an owner, does that mean you aren't named on the mortgage?
Or is he really fucking you by not paying it?

Trust is the absolute foundational layer of a relationship, so if you can’t trust him, it’s time to leave.

Google says: If the house was bought during the marriage, it is usually treated as a matrimonial asset and the court often starts from a 50/50 split, regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

If it was owned before the marriage, it may still be shared if:

They lived there as the family home
OP contributed financially (mortgage, bills, renovations)
OP contributed non-financially (raising children, running the household)

i don’t have family…I grew up in the foster care system. I work part time, I do earn a good wage but I would struggle due to how expensive everything is. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to.

I pay my share directly to him. I sought advice from my lawyer friend who said under Scot’s law (Scotland) I’d be entitled to half of everything due to us being married and being together for so long

what frustrates me the most is I’m a social worker, I help to get women out of these situations but when it comes to myself I don’t know how to.

I totally understand how hard this will be for you. You grew up in foster care and so I imagine you'll be worried about losing this stability you have now. Unfortunately it is not stable. You are amazing for having got through the system and got yourself to a brilliant place in life, you need to trust yourself and understand how strong you are. You can do this. As weird as it will be for someone in your line of work, could you reach out to some of the organisations that support other women in leaving their partners? Or if that feels like overkill perhaps something like citizens advice? I feel like you need proper grounded advice on next steps.

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear all that he has put your through OP, it is always dreadful to find out that a person you loved and trusted has let you down so badly.

You ask if this is as serious as it feels, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, that yes, it is, and it looks like the time has come for you to tell him that the marriage is over, he's lied to you one too many times, and you've had enough and want out.

Working with other women who have found themselves in this situation will work in your favour once you've had time to take it all, and hopefully made the decision to end the marriage. You presumably have contacts who will be able to give you good advice, and what ever happens, please don't be too proud to admit that your marriage is in trouble, and you need help. It can happen to anyone, and frequently does, as you must be aware, so ask for the help and advice you need, and let the New Year be the beginning of a new and better life for you.

Do you have kids?

Is there anyone at work who you could speak to? Make it your aim to be free of him by the summer, in practice if not legally. I suspect that if you think of the clients you have helped, you’ll find inspiration from the way some have overcome their difficulties.

You’re resourceful for sure, and you’ve already shown your mettle. It’ll be difficult at first but you’ll find a way, as you have done before. Best wishes

Get rid. Asap.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.

i would bet that what’s underneath his behaviour is chronic denial and avoidance. What that means is he won’t change.

This is very serious but you can turn it around. If I were you I’d actually just start the divorce process- solicitors letter for his financial disclosure, maybe book mediation.

you are entitled to half the equity in the house but that’s simplistic- both your future housing needs and ability to house yourselves in broadly similar situations will be taken into account. What will really impact this is the level of his debt and poor credit- will he be able to raise a mortgage? Unless you are willing to go to court to argue otherwise the debts are also likely to be treated as joint and paid from martial assets.

You likely need to prepare to work full
time to raise a mortgage alone but that’s ok- plenty of people do!

I’m not actually sure you need to complicate your situation with agencies charities etc. divorce is fairly simple - I’d concentrate on equipping yourself emotionally for your new life x

Take what you can, and tell him to f-off.
Look after yourself. Hope things work out for you 👍

Yes I have an almost four year old. Why I’m posting on this website

I do! I have no savings, no family. Nothing. The only thing I have to my name is my car and my phone. Waiting list for homes in my area are high and I likely end up in homeless accommodation with those families that I work with. Whilst this isn’t a problem I don’t know how I navigate this with a four year old

I do! I have no savings, no family. Nothing. The only thing I have to my name is my car and my phone. Waiting list for homes in my area are high and I likely end up in homeless accommodation with those families that I work with. Whilst this isn’t a problem I don’t know how I navigate this with a four year old

Why would you end up homeless?

in the divorce you would both need to be housed from the equity net of marital debt.

is there no equity in the house?

and if not, why my can’t you private rent?

you seem to be taking the course of the women you work with. You are not them. You have oooorutbities they don’t have. This is “just” a divorce. Why do you think you’ll end up in a homeless hostel?

To rent privately you need a deposit of almost 1500 I don’t have that. It’s almost about 800/1000 a month for a 2 bedroom where I stay close to little ones nursery. I earn £2000 a month and have other payments such as my car which I need for work, rent wouldn’t include utility bills.i also have little ones nursery which is about 300 a month. How do I manage this all myself?

i also won’t be entitled to any benefits due to what my wages are per month. I need to work for the sake of my mental health but realistically id be better off not working.

I know I sound like I’m making excuses but this is everything I need to consider right now.

You need to leave him asap, before the mortgage is compromised and you lose everything. Get what you can from the house financially now. And if you buy a house again, make sure you're actually buying it.