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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I am packing for my death

38 replies

dodomin · 27/12/2025 17:45

38 weeks pregnant and can't put off packing my hospital bag any longer. It's my second pregnancy. I know I won't return home the same person. I have things like a suspected prolapse and pubic symphysis and pressure related incontinence. All which may or may not resolve/be exacerbated after birth. I know no matter how much one plans, you can't control or predict how birth goes. When I came home from having my first DC, I think I was in a state of shock, some of the birth injuries remain unresolvable nearly 3 years later. I know how everything in my house looked different, I felt different, I felt belonged to a lighter, different chapter of my life. And I'm scared it'll be the same again.

I feel like I want to cry. I don't even want it to be over because that means dealing with an injured body again with a newborn for goodness knows how long.

I don't know if it's much of an AIBU but I felt like I had to get it off my chest. I feel moments of complete overwhelm and wanting to cry. I'm in a happy marriage with a supportive DH. It was an unplanned pregnancy but ultimately we did both want another at some point but I never anticipated feeling this level of daunted before the final moments of baby arriving.

OP posts:
BrunchBarBandit · 27/12/2025 17:49

Ah, that sounds really hard and scary for you. I would strongly suggest you speak to your midwife who will have heard these worries before and will be able to help you

LuerLock · 27/12/2025 17:53

It sounds like you had a very hard time during your first birth, given that some of the problems are still not resolved three years later. Would a planned caesarean section be an option for you? Obviously you will have a surgical wound to deal with but it would probably more controlled and you'd have a better idea of what to expect. As far as I know, they usually heal well too, albeit slowly.

Squirrelchops1 · 27/12/2025 17:56

I too was going to ask, why a planned cesarean has not been discussed as you were left with such physical issues after the first and then during this pregnancy.

Original poster
dodomin · 27/12/2025 17:57

LuerLock · 27/12/2025 17:53

It sounds like you had a very hard time during your first birth, given that some of the problems are still not resolved three years later. Would a planned caesarean section be an option for you? Obviously you will have a surgical wound to deal with but it would probably more controlled and you'd have a better idea of what to expect. As far as I know, they usually heal well too, albeit slowly.

I have been scheduled in for one but I am reluctant to have one as I have a toddler who still requires a lot of lifting up etc eg. into her car seat or going to the toilet (we have steps at home which is fine but when out and about I will have to lift her up). I'm really nervous about recovery with her tbh - she is very clingy and will often want me over her dad.

I've been advised lots to put myself first, and where in theory that is fine I think on a practical level with a toddler who isn't at nursery it is unreasonable... But we will see I suppose.

The reason why I didn't put it in my OP is that I (maybe stupidly) am hoping for a straightforward natural labour and don't really want a C-section in my heart of hearts. I know I sound very contradictory but I am so confused and torn and scared. It's been suggested but I have not been pressured to have one hence it being scheduled in but I don't necessarily have to go through with it

OP posts:
Moonlightfrog · 27/12/2025 17:57

I felt the same when I was due with dd2, my first birth with dd1 was awful and the recovery was hard too, I was only 21 and had no idea how brutal giving birth could be. I needed a lot of stitches and had some mental trauma. 2nd birth was totally different and I was prepared for the worst, I opted for an epidural as I knew I would need stitches (I didn’t have an epidural with dd1 and it was just brutal). My contractions were not painful at all right up until the epidural, dd2 was born pretty fast and pain free. I did need stitches but recovery was much easier.

Taking dd home didn’t seem such a big deal like it was with the first, she kind of just slotted in, so it wasn’t such a big change.

Do speak to your midwife, make sure your birth plan is sorted and try to relax a little. I hope all goes ok for you.

Toastythesnowman · 27/12/2025 18:00

I had a planned section after a traumatic first birth and the recovery was significantly better than trying to deal with the aftermath of the first time round, both physically and mentally. It's a reasonably short time that you can't lift your toddler and your OH will just need to step up and do that in the interim.

devildeepbluesea · 27/12/2025 18:01

OP if you’ve been offered the C-section, I would seriously consider it in your shoes. It’s not always difficult to recover from.

I was 6 weeks off 40 when I had an EMCS with DD. Granted I didn’t have a toddler, but I was out walking within 3 days and pretty much back to normal within a week - I went to a Zumba class at 17 days post partum. If you have a DH who will take pat leave, it should be manageable.

Basically what I’m saying is your natural birth sounded very problematic, and whilst there’s no guarantee a C-section will be easier, it may well be.

MamaJenni · 27/12/2025 18:04

Id probably go for a c section too this time

Strangesally20 · 27/12/2025 18:20

I have a very similar birth injuries first time around. I had a planned section for me second, I had a 2 year old at home. I managed fine, first wee was difficult but my DH dealt with all the heavy lifting and by the time he went back to work after 2 weeks I was fine. I actually can’t remember much about it at all which means it must have been ok. Second time around with a newborn was generally much less traumatising, your life hasn’t changed as dramatically as it does with the first which obviously a complete shock to the system.

orangewasp · 27/12/2025 18:26

I'd have the c section. If your dd is nearly 3, she should be able to understand
you have a very sore tummy and can't lift her plus how much gadding about are you realistically going to be doing in the first few weeks.

Holymotherforkingshirtballs · 27/12/2025 18:26

I had a difficult first labour with my first and had some complications. I agonised over whether to have a section second time around. I did had a C-section in the end and I am so glad I did. It was a fantastic experience and the recovery was easier than my first, vaginal delivery. It also took away the anxiety around what complications might happen with another vaginal delivery (including being left incontinent). I really didn't want a C-section but it was a wonderful experience and healing in many ways after a difficult first delivery. Don't rule it out.

HeartyBlueRobin · 27/12/2025 18:27

I had symphysis pubis dysfunction and was advised against a c.section as it involves cutting through muscles. Your ligaments are already not supporting the pelvis so cutting the muscles could well make recovery much more difficult and longer than other new mothers might experience.

OhMaria2 · 27/12/2025 18:31

Massive hugs! I know id be feeling the same if I were doing it again.

geminicancerean · 27/12/2025 18:31

My immediate reaction was ‘Why haven’t they offered a caesarean?’ but I can see that they have. From what you’ve described here I would grab it with both hands.

meganorks · 27/12/2025 18:33

So sorry you are feeling scared at this time. It souds like with good reason though and that there are a lot of risks to you having a natural birth.

I just wanted to say that I had a planned c-section 2nd birth (after an emergency one first time round) and recovery was significantly easier after the second. And i had a absolutely hyper 2 year old who ran everywhere and pretty much gave her nap when I had the baby. I have steps into my house too. I am so glad I opted to have the c-section second time round.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 27/12/2025 18:38

I had an emergency section with first baby, then had forceps with second and emergency section again with 3rd. The forceps was, by far, the worst recovery. I had a 3 and 4 year old to deal with after the last section. Was honestly hard, but not as hard as I anticipated x

surprisebaby12 · 27/12/2025 18:41

Have you considered an elective caesarean? I’m having one as I’ve heard the recovery can be easier for a planned caesarean and it overcomes a lot of the risks of natural birth

Topjoe19 · 27/12/2025 18:44

Go for a planned c section. Book in with a womens physio afterwards to see what you can do to regain your strength and sort out any issues.

I wish I had done that.

anothermincepieplease · 27/12/2025 18:45

Hugs OP. 💐 I was having panic attacks regularly at 38 weeks with DC2, after a difficult birth with DC1. Little did I know, it would end up being a beautiful labour, delivery & postpartum.

I think feeling prepared help. Can you ask for a referral to physio before you leave the hospital? So you can have a pelvic floor assessment and arrange for supports if needed. I had physio after both my births, and brought it back from potential prolapse to normal health. Exercises, pessaries, those vibrating chairs, all can make a big difference to pelvic floor & continence.

Clefable · 27/12/2025 18:45

I would have a section in a heartbeat. Gently, OP, is having to reduce how much you pick your toddler up for a few weeks really worse than potential further lifelong complications from childbirth it sounds like you’re facing?

I’ve had an emergency and elective, both fine but the elective was a dream and I barely had to change what I did outside the first week or two, when DH was home anyway. What you’re describing sounds far more terrifying to me than a section.

anothermincepieplease · 27/12/2025 18:46

Just to add, if you're in a position to go private maybe see a physio pre birth? To give unbiased advise on current state of your pelvic floor and impact of vaginal delivery

Only2daystogo · 27/12/2025 18:48

Remember, as Mum some times putting your children first means for a short space of time you need to put yourself first.

828Pax · 27/12/2025 18:49

I was very poorly after the birth of my first child, woke up in ICU with no recollection of even having dd.I was the same as you when I went in to have my 2nd and honestly it couldn't have gone any better. I totally understand your anxiety, explain to the midwives how you are feeling. They were very gentle with me when I explained how anxious I was. Wishing you well x

Original poster
dodomin · 27/12/2025 18:51

828Pax · 27/12/2025 18:49

I was very poorly after the birth of my first child, woke up in ICU with no recollection of even having dd.I was the same as you when I went in to have my 2nd and honestly it couldn't have gone any better. I totally understand your anxiety, explain to the midwives how you are feeling. They were very gentle with me when I explained how anxious I was. Wishing you well x

Something similar happened to me with DD and woke up the first night incredibly disoriented.

Did you have a C-section or vaginal birth with your second?

OP posts:
Original poster
dodomin · 27/12/2025 18:53

HeartyBlueRobin · 27/12/2025 18:27

I had symphysis pubis dysfunction and was advised against a c.section as it involves cutting through muscles. Your ligaments are already not supporting the pelvis so cutting the muscles could well make recovery much more difficult and longer than other new mothers might experience.

Thank you all for your gentle and kind replies. It really has made me reconsider a C-section however I think I'm going to have to double check if it is indeed OK to have a c-section because of this symphysis pubis thing that @HeartyBlueRobin has mentioned.

OP posts: