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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt parents went abroad instead of visiting us for Xmas?

42 replies

DeftPeachSloth · 27/12/2025 17:21

I'm going to try not to drip feed info but also not overload the op

I'm in my 40s, parents are in their 70s.
My children. Are 10 and under and we live 3hr hours drive away from my parents and have done for 20 years.
They have never been to ours for Xmas day, we used to drive down pre kids but we now have 3 children and found the last time we did it was very stressful so 4 years ago we said we weren't doing it anymore.
My parents said they couldn't come to us as my brothers children were used to seeing them and they didn't want to break that tradition. My niece and nephew have had a very traumatic life as my brothers life choices were not great and it made sense that my parent strived to give them some consistency. My niece and nephew are now 22 and 20 and have both moved away from the home town last year. Earlier this year my brother suddenly tragically died leaving lots of unresolved upset amongst almost everyone I'm the family, especially my parents.
I've struggled to deal with his death as although we didn't have any direct conflict I'm very sad he will never get the chance to recover.
I invited everyone to my house this year for Xmas, in truth I needed them here as I'm struggling but I also thought being around family would cheer them up/help them feel festive.
They said no as they weren't doing Christmas this year and booked a trip to a non Christian country for 4 weeks.
But they have text almost every day with updates about their trip and all the Christmas's things they've been doing, Including drinking a lot of alcohol. Lots and lots of pictures of alcoholic drinks and them being drunk starting at 9am in the morning.
I'm so upset and hurt but I don't want to feel like this. I'm trying to tell myself they can do what they like, they're in their 70s, if they don't want to see the kids that's on them.
But I'm still so hurt.
Hoping to hear other perspectives? I don't think I will mention it to them how hurt I am so I don't know how to resolve the whole issue

OP posts:
AmyDuPlantier · 27/12/2025 17:26

I think this is hard for everyone but…their child died. Presumably this escape is how they feel they can best cope?

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Moomum123 · 27/12/2025 17:28

I came on to say much the same as the previous poster, I'm so sorry for your loss, your parents are grieving too, and this is their way of coping.

Needlenardlenoo · 27/12/2025 17:28

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable (well maybe the 9am drinking is a bit, particularly if your late brother was an addict?) - however, it sounds like you've all had an awful year and a lot of stress for years leading up to it.

People process grief in different ways though and your parents may be feeling a sense of relief in some way if they had an element of being in loco parentis for the older grandkids for years?

From a practical point of view, the kind of trip they've on will have been a lot cheaper leaving well before & including Christmas.

Maybe it's time for a New Year's resolution to hang out with the people who've got your back?

Tell your parents (nicely) that one pic of then breakfasting on G&T a week is sufficient though!

Original poster
DeftPeachSloth · 27/12/2025 17:28

AmyDuPlantier · 27/12/2025 17:26

I think this is hard for everyone but…their child died. Presumably this escape is how they feel they can best cope?

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Thank you for this.
This is exactly what I wanted to read. We have grieved very differently and it must be so overwhelming for them. They weren't on speaking terms with my brother when he died whereas I was so maybe they are struggling with that aswell

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 27/12/2025 17:29

AmyDuPlantier · 27/12/2025 17:26

I think this is hard for everyone but…their child died. Presumably this escape is how they feel they can best cope?

I’m really sorry for your loss.

This? They’ve lost their son and are dealing with it in the best way they can. Re the distance you live, who moved?

PomandersandRedRibbon · 27/12/2025 17:29

As above it sounds like they have tried to step in for their son and now he's dead ?

Needlenardlenoo · 27/12/2025 17:30

I meant to say sorry for your loss as well. Christmas does tend to amplify emotions and it must be really hard.

Millytante · 27/12/2025 17:30

Yes, I think you are BU.
Also the fact that they wanted this trip abroad instead of a Christmas at home after such a painful loss is surely naff all to do with their feelings about your children, though you see it as a transgression by them and the matter they ought to have had at the forefront of their minds.
I imagine they have suffered many years of regret and worry while your brother was alive, and his death might well have made a family Christmas too much to contemplate.

AmyDuPlantier · 27/12/2025 17:30

DeftPeachSloth · 27/12/2025 17:28

Thank you for this.
This is exactly what I wanted to read. We have grieved very differently and it must be so overwhelming for them. They weren't on speaking terms with my brother when he died whereas I was so maybe they are struggling with that aswell

Show quote history

Ah so it sounds very complicated then. I feel for all of you. Maybe best Christmas you can come back together.

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 27/12/2025 17:30

I’m sorry for your loss, but as PP said, their child died. The worst pain imaginable. I wouldn’t be judging them for going away and drowning their sorrows. I’m guessing your brother’s poor life choices and/or death involved alcohol which is why their drinking particularly stings, but honestly if it gets them through their first Christmas after their son’s death I can’t judge them too harshly.

DahlsChickenz · 27/12/2025 17:32

I'm so sorry OP, what a terrible year for you all.

My guess would be that your parents wanted to do something that wouldn't remind them at all of the fact that your brother is no longer around to celebrate christmas. They might have felt like they couldn't face a traditional family Christmas for their first one without their son. They're still in the first throes of grief (as are you all) and people who are grieving don't always want to celebrate things like Christmas in conventional ways.

I wouldn't take it as a sign that they're not interested in seeing your kids.

Invite them again next year. Give them time. And look after yourself as best you can - lean on people you love who are a step further removed from this tragedy, like your partner and friends. It will get less painful with time.

Original poster
DeftPeachSloth · 27/12/2025 17:32

Needlenardlenoo · 27/12/2025 17:28

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable (well maybe the 9am drinking is a bit, particularly if your late brother was an addict?) - however, it sounds like you've all had an awful year and a lot of stress for years leading up to it.

People process grief in different ways though and your parents may be feeling a sense of relief in some way if they had an element of being in loco parentis for the older grandkids for years?

From a practical point of view, the kind of trip they've on will have been a lot cheaper leaving well before & including Christmas.

Maybe it's time for a New Year's resolution to hang out with the people who've got your back?

Tell your parents (nicely) that one pic of then breakfasting on G&T a week is sufficient though!

Thank you for your reply.
My parents didn't step into a parenting role as their mum has always been around and really done the best she could for them.
But yes alcohol was his main issue and the reason he died so the drinking pics seem a little distasteful. But I know people that age have different relationships with alcohol...think 'it's 5 o clock somewhere' type attitude whereas I don't really drink.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 27/12/2025 17:34

I’m so very sorry for all of you.
This year it seems like it’s all still very raw, and you are all trying to deal with your loss in your own way.

Perhaps next year will be better. Hang in there. 🩵

HeadyLamarr · 27/12/2025 17:35

First of all I am so sorry for your loss.

It's quite a common reaction to a significant bereavement to not want to face Xmas the first year. I was like it when I lost my parents, my MIL has opted out entirely this year after losing her husband of 57 years. My Dad didn't even send a single Christmas card the first year after Mum died.

I think it's quite sensible of your parents to do something radically different like go abroad following the recent loss of their son.

However much you miss your brother, their loss is different. That was once their perfect beloved newborn, the toddler who made them laugh, the earnest little boy and stroppy teen. Whatever helps them through it is what they should do.

Dery · 27/12/2025 17:36

As PPs have said, this sounds very complex and painful but particularly for them as they have lost a child and there is now no possibility for things to be made right. So i think it’s fine that they did this. But it’s also natural that you feel hurt. You’ve all had a very difficult time and are all grieving so feelings are going to be very raw. No-one is wrong here.

SilkStalkings · 27/12/2025 17:37

I understand entirely but they probably just can’t be the parents you need right now, you’ll just have to friendzone them so as to avoid further disappointment. This is where your DP needs to step up - spell out to him what you need to help fill that void.
Christmas is such a challenge with the relentless shaming PR of mandatory jollity, pretend everything is fine and people expected to happily drop all their necessary self-care boundaries, it’s natural that they might want to run as far from that as possible. They’re not running from you and when they’re ready they will hopefully choose to make your family a more prominent part of their lives. But they will be different people now too, they are evolving and so are you. This will be a good thing in the long run.

Original poster
DeftPeachSloth · 27/12/2025 17:39

Millytante · 27/12/2025 17:30

Yes, I think you are BU.
Also the fact that they wanted this trip abroad instead of a Christmas at home after such a painful loss is surely naff all to do with their feelings about your children, though you see it as a transgression by them and the matter they ought to have had at the forefront of their minds.
I imagine they have suffered many years of regret and worry while your brother was alive, and his death might well have made a family Christmas too much to contemplate.

You're right I did have the idea that being around family at Xmas at the forefront of my mind.
It actually never occurred to me that people didn't view Xmas that way if im honest so thank you for making me aware of that.
Also you're right about a traditional Xmas here so that's also another point I hadn't considered.
They haven't spoken to my brother for several years now, around 2.5 so I imagine sitting with me and my immediate family would bring up many feelings of how life used to be possibly.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 27/12/2025 17:39

Posting pics of boozing at 9am when their son has died of alcohol related issues seems incredibly insensitive so regardless of Christmas I wouldn't be impressed with that. Yes we all grieve differently but this is staggering imo.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 27/12/2025 17:42

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'd leave your parents to deal with their loss however suits them best. Don't take it personally. Move on and leave them to it.

Leapintothelightning · 27/12/2025 17:46

So very sorry for your loss, sounds like it has been a difficult time for all of you ❤️

The main thing is to not take it personally. I understand why you feel it is a slight to you/your children especially after the role they had taken on with your niece and nephew but this is just them processing their grief (or trying to avoid it altogether!). My mum’s husband passed away nearly 4 years ago, my mum went away by herself the first Christmas as she didn’t want to deal with it. She was here for the next one but this year decided to go away again and has already booked for next year. She always spent Christmas Day with her husband so prefers to just go away and not have to deal with it. If your parents always spent Christmas with your brother they are probably following the same process.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 27/12/2025 17:49

I think they’ve had decades of worry and trying to save your brother and they are basically grieving, second guessing what they could have done differently, wondering how his kids, their grandkids and their DIL will cope, and it’s all to much to be anywhere that brings back memories. They are escaping reality for 4 weeks and then will come back and process the grief and be responsible adults again.

I know you must have felt sidelined and ignored because your brother got all their care and attention. You likely feel it’s your turn and your kids turn to have grandparents. I am sure that is in your future.

As your DC are a bit older, it may be less faff to visit them now and then. Contact them when they get back and suggest, brainstorm ideas. Try and divide up journeys…you guys go to them and they come to you. Include your niece/nephews and SIL in this. As they are in their 70s now, not their 50/60s when your brothers kids were small. Remind them they’re not alone, they still have family who love them and are there for them.

Christmaseree · 27/12/2025 17:54

Your poor parents, I can’t imagine their pain, they are doing what they have to do to get through Christmas.

Hotchocolateandmarsh · 27/12/2025 18:07

Them going off to a none Christian country is then running away and putting their heads in the sand. It’s a way of grieving and maybe the thought of Christmas was too much this year.

OP maybe in the summer say you understand why they booked a holiday last Christmas it’s been a bit traumatic for everyone. If they felt
upto it you would love to host them and it would mean so much to you and your family. Basically invite them for next Christmas.

I understand your pain OP, it’s the first Christmas when they could have come to you but I think it was all too much for them.

Gloriia · 27/12/2025 18:09

Christmaseree · 27/12/2025 17:54

Your poor parents, I can’t imagine their pain, they are doing what they have to do to get through Christmas.

'Doing what they have to' by getting pissed at 9am when their estranged son died of alcohol related issues?

Rather insensitive to say the least for those who were still in touch with him despite his lifestyle. Just show some tact, why do folk have to overshare with tasteless crap like this.

House12 · 27/12/2025 18:18

Gloriia · 27/12/2025 17:39

Posting pics of boozing at 9am when their son has died of alcohol related issues seems incredibly insensitive so regardless of Christmas I wouldn't be impressed with that. Yes we all grieve differently but this is staggering imo.

Don’t judge people whose lives you haven’t lived. It’s also quite common for people to try to reclaim a “fun” relationship with alcohol after a situation like this, fyi.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss, and sorry you weren’t able to have your family together the way you would’ve liked for Christmas. I agree with lots of others that they’re coping how they are able to, but my family are experiencing something similar and it’s bloody hard to feel like your grief isn’t a thing that unites you all. Sending all the strength. ❤️