To be hurt parents went abroad instead of visiting us for Xmas?

[DeftPeachSloth]

I'm going to try not to drip feed info but also not overload the op

I'm in my 40s, parents are in their 70s.
My children. Are 10 and under and we live 3hr hours drive away from my parents and have done for 20 years.
They have never been to ours for Xmas day, we used to drive down pre kids but we now have 3 children and found the last time we did it was very stressful so 4 years ago we said we weren't doing it anymore.
My parents said they couldn't come to us as my brothers children were used to seeing them and they didn't want to break that tradition. My niece and nephew have had a very traumatic life as my brothers life choices were not great and it made sense that my parent strived to give them some consistency. My niece and nephew are now 22 and 20 and have both moved away from the home town last year. Earlier this year my brother suddenly tragically died leaving lots of unresolved upset amongst almost everyone I'm the family, especially my parents.
I've struggled to deal with his death as although we didn't have any direct conflict I'm very sad he will never get the chance to recover.
I invited everyone to my house this year for Xmas, in truth I needed them here as I'm struggling but I also thought being around family would cheer them up/help them feel festive.
They said no as they weren't doing Christmas this year and booked a trip to a non Christian country for 4 weeks.
But they have text almost every day with updates about their trip and all the Christmas's things they've been doing, Including drinking a lot of alcohol. Lots and lots of pictures of alcoholic drinks and them being drunk starting at 9am in the morning.
I'm so upset and hurt but I don't want to feel like this. I'm trying to tell myself they can do what they like, they're in their 70s, if they don't want to see the kids that's on them.
But I'm still so hurt.
Hoping to hear other perspectives? I don't think I will mention it to them how hurt I am so I don't know how to resolve the whole issue

You and your parents are grieving and will have suffered hurt and anger at your brothers behaviour. I fear you're projecting your feelings and needs onto your parents, whose needs will be different. It's difficult to recreate a traditional Christmas, which you haven't had with them for several years. They are doing what they need to do to heal. Invite them at another time.

There is nothing 'fun' about drinking alcohol at 9am then posting pics of it so other grieving relatives will be left thinking wtf.

I applaud them!

@Gloriia

don’t be so judgemental

lots of people get on the booze in the morning at Christmas - Buck’s Fizz or champagne or whatever.

OP’s parents have lost their CHILD. If anyone judges them for whatever they need to do it then they can get to fuck quite frankly. I suspect that they’ve got bigger fish to fry tbh than giving a toss about what other people think about how they are spending Christmas.

@DeftPeachSloth

There is no law or legislation that states that Christmas Day has to be a “family day”, OP

The op has posted for opinions so no, I won't 'get to fuck' thanks.

'and them being drunk starting at 9am in the morning' from the op.

Being drunk starting at 9am isn't a cheeky Bucks Fizz with your croissant on Christmas morning is it.

So yep, I'll judge them. Their son who they were estranged from died form alcohol related issues the op is grieving and they're getting pissed at 9am. It's not a good look is it.

Apologies if I wasn't clear regarding the alcohol.
It's definitely problematic currently, not just a little extra fizz for Xmas. I have made my stance on alcohol consumption clear many times over the years. Hopefully non judgemental as I know lots
of people enjoy a regular drink and do so safely. My brother had a serious alcohol addiction that cost him his life so I am definitely overly sensitive and I do try to be mindful of this.
Today I received 5 messages from my parents, 4 of them were pictures and 1 video. The video was 10am and started with a table of 4 drinks the scanned to them 'cheering with a shot each. The other 4 were pictures of them in different locations with cocktails and christmas things.
So I suppose the 2 main things that have upset me today are 1. that they are drinking so much which worries me as they are in the 70s and dad is vulnerable as has early stage motor neurons - still mobile but definitely needs a wheelchair more frequently.

1. they are doing christmas (the reason they didnt come to mine was because they said they were avoiding christmas). But after reading everyone's replies I have let go of reason 2 and am very grateful for everyone's input as you have allowed me some relief.

There were some very helpful replies, some validating my feelings and suggesting ways to accept my new norm. Some messages provided insight into their probable decision making which I wasn't able to think of myself and that has been super helpful. This is what I will carry with me over the next few months as I navigate my feelings and grief. Thank you to all (apart from the very very few bizarre posters that seemed angered/irritated by my post and my feelings, you can sod off!)

If I lost a child I wouldn’t give a fuck if it was a good look or not. I think it’s everyone else’s turn to be sensitive to them! I’m think they’ve paid their dues in decades of being sensitive and forgiving so it’s the least they should be able to expect.

YABU.

But seriously people should spend their Christmas the way they wish. They would prefer to spend it overseas

They’re grieving , so are you . Be kind to each other and hopefully you’ll all feel more able to deal with Christmas together next year.

Do you think your parents reckless drinking is a way of putting two angry fingers up to the universe?
I fear they wont be much support to you in your grief. It must be so tough for you, but it looks like you will have to find comfort elsewhere. Maybe through a bereavement charity or al anon.

Their child died. They want/need to get away from all the family nonsense at Xmas - seems pretty obvious.
Even without that, at their age they need to make the most of their opportunities to travel - good for them, and I hope they had a great time.

I’m sorry you lost your brother, OP. And I’m sorry you’ve found Christmas very difficult.

I do think YABU unfortunately, and your parents are entitled to this holiday without your judgement.

So sorry for you loss op. But your parents lost their child. I imagine there is nothing that can compare to that.
Don't make their decision to escape Christmas/ f* off out of the country about you and your children.

They are entitled to do as they wish, as are you.

My sister lost her 26 year old son in an accident nearly 4 years ago. Since then, she hasn’t been able to ‘celebrate’ Christmas like she did previously. She actively hates it now.
So I can understand why your parents have gone away this year. Cut them some slack.