Doing the right thing went wrong again

[UntangledShoelaces]

I booted me husband out the door a few years ago, but as it turned out we remained friendly and still help each other out eg money and lifts. His daughter lives in 'Cornwall' where he now lives - not in the same town though. The both profess to dislike Christmas and yet happy accept presents from me. She invited him to a Christmas Dinner at her friends so instead of coming to me he went there and that was that all okay then. BUT even though she and I are friendly she made no mention of this to me and when I asked him about it he was cagey. On Boxing Day I asked if he has a good time and he said it was a Good Feed. I asked if there had been many people .. no answer. I asked why his daughter had not mentioned the event to me.... he said it did not surprise him. I gave up and logged out. I spent Christmas alone no cards or presents from either of them. This all should not matter to me not really but they both want to be in my life. Christmas is such an important time to me for so many reasons and it is like I gave them the green light to have a non Christmas and they went off and had one anyway.....Gawd Dammit I am such a people pleaser.

The situation now is it feels like they are hiding something from me, and that along with my none birthday has me wound up. He knows I like to see people happy and yet not a single photo from either of them of a happy day.

Sorry but you shouldn't be relying on your ex to add anything to your life now.
Make friends of your own and forge a new life yourself.

Why are you clinging onto an ex-husband and stepdaughter? Spend Christmas with other family/friends, or even solo, doing things that you enjoy and treat yourself to a lovely gift too. Don’t rely on other people for happiness.

Sorry but sounds like you want a lot from a man you booted out a few years ago. You need to find some new people to spend time with and let him and his daughter get on with their life.

The whole point in ending a relationship is never having to think about or speak to the other person again.
Forget the man and his kid, enjoy life, build friendships and things you love to do.

2026 is the year you build up your life, take a class or two, meet some new friends, perhaps date again.

Stop relying on a marriage that ended years ago. Look forward, not back. Have a lovely time.🙂

If Christmas is an important time of year for you, then you need to make plans for your own enjoyable day that will leave you no head space for wondering how your ex and your ex step daughter are celebrating it. You’re now free to go away, to volunteer, to indulge, to retreat, to start a new tradition of your own…

sorry to sound mean, but the reason she didn’t mention it was probable because she knew you’d be hurt that your ex wanted to spend the day elsewhere. Your messages are extremely mixed: I’ve read your OP a few times and I’m still not sure what you actually wanted.

Chances are there was someone else there that he's not telling you about.

He's probably moving on

Sounds like he's moved on op.
Either seeing someone else or not but he's moved on,and it has nothing to do with you.
It sounds as if he can't be bothered with you and and just keeps simple polite conversations short.
Its over op.

In the kindest way you need to stop clinging on to him and move on with your life.
He is an ex you kicked him out so now it's time to move on.

Also, what does the title mean- what right thing was done, how did it go wrong?
You wanted an ex to send photos of their day, and gifts from him for Christmas and your birthday?
This is all quite strange.

sounds like he spent christmas with a new gf. and the daughter did her own thing with pals. sorry op.

in future i’d respect their right to walk away. I’d expect nothing from them. no birthday or christmas presents. do your own thing. by not reciprocating they are telling you not to bother. you just don’t want to accept that.

join an organisation you’re interested in. Knitting, hillwalking, women’s self defence. whatever. get out and about and meet new friends and move on too.

If Christmas is important to you why didn’t you arrange something with other people. You can’t expect an ex and his stepdaughter to include you in their plans

sounds like he’s moved on you need to do the same

Sorry but when you split up you lost the right to expect to spend Christmas together, and to know where he’s spending it.
I think you need to work on making a life for yourself without your ex in it

Your ex and his daughter are not your family. They're not obliged to include you on Xmas. If my husband booted me out the house I'd not want to help out with lifts or money, let alone spend Xmas with them.

I hope you have other friends or family you can try and strengthen your relationships with. Or make new friends via a hobby or interest? You need to forget about your ex and stop doing favours for him.

I don't really understand why you're surprised or upset that an ex went to his family for Christmas? That seems pretty normal to me. I'm afraid it's on you to make your own plans, you aren't a couple!

Was he thete with his new lady, perhaps?

You need to move on. His daughter might have found it weird for her dads ex wife to be there at Christmas.

Yes, this does sound like it was inevitable. When you break up with someone, you probably shouldn't expect them to give you gifts and send cosy Christmas photos years later. At some point, one or both of you moves on without the other, and it sounds like that's what has finally happened. It must be rare for ex partners—especially those who don't share children—to exchange gifts, spend Christmas together, or share photos of their own family Christmas gatherings.

It's time to find new friendships to fill the gap left by your ex and his daughter, if that's important to you.

You are not part of their lives any more. If they have expressed a desire to stay in your life, it's because they are after something or they are trying to be kind. You need to move on without them.

You didn't give them the green light because what they do is nothing to do with you. Which is why it wasn't mentioned. It sounds as though the DD wants to be in your life, like you would a old school friend or good work colleague, you aren't family anymore. Stop over involving yourself by furiing so many questions. I agree that your ex is moving on. As said, you need to start rebuilding your life.

New woman went with him I should think. Time to finally move on.

I don't really understand why you'd get presents for people who claim not to do Christmas or rely on them for Christmas plans. This isn't 'doing the right thing'. You presumably booted him out for a reason too.

He has a new partner, that's what the caginess is about.
Stop buying them presents and move on with your life without them. They are not your family, they are not your friends.

Thank you to everyone who replied so far, it does sound like he is moving on. Maybe it being Christmas had me feeling hurt is more about me being muddled over the things between he and I. He got upset when introduced as my friend so I stopped and called him my husband. Life has been hard and relying on myself to 'save' me is scary. It's the old story of disabled women grows up alone and finally finds a good person to have at her side except......

I just realised I thought it was their dislike of Christmas but you guys are right they are moving on.

The presents were things they needed and I was happy to help. I did not rely on them for my Christmas plans I had a good day on my own, bought myself flowers, nice food, and a couple of elves from a charity checked I was ok. It was my Ex's cageiness that threw me. His daughter usually puts loads of photos up and there were none. Now I am feeling a bit of a tit and at the same time glad I posted. I just need to get my own life or at least not think I am in their lives.

I don’t think they have done anything wrong? You can be on friendly terms with someone without telling them everything in your life. Stop buying them presents and move on with your life