To not visit my parents again?

[Youcanbuymeflowers]

Left home at 18 and have never lived there since. I’m now in my 40s with DH and DC. My mum is extremely controlling, always has been. Very overprotective helicopter parent with very right wing views. She has rigid house rules that apply to everyone, including us and the kids: we’re only allowed to use one bathroom, can’t take drinks out of the kitchen unless they’re in plastic cups, and there’s no privacy—if DH and I try to have a private conversation she interrogates us until we explain. She constantly monitors what everyone is doing, comments on behaviour, corrects the children, and insists we all sit in one room because she’s anxious if people move around the house. It feels like sitting in a waiting room, not a home. She has expressed views in the past that she doesn't like my husband and that she thinks we judge her because our lifestyle is very different to hers - we are a lot more left wing. We give money to charities and she has told us she thinks that if we have enough money to waste then she will give my sibling more - which she followed by giving us £40k of house deposit, but giving my brother £80k. She has no idea what we give to charity as this is personal to us and we don't discuss finances.

When we are visiting she’s very on edge, talks constantly, repeatedly asks if everyone is OK, and won’t allow quiet or rest. Our autistic DC finds this overwhelming and dysregulating. Despite her insisting her home is “relaxing,” it really isn’t, and I’ve tried explaining this—dad dismisses it as “that’s just mum.”

My parents refuse to visit us (we live 4 hours away) and haven’t been to our home in 6 years. Mum says she won’t ever travel and frames everything as my fault (“you moved away,” “you chose to live far away”). When we don’t visit, she tells others “you didn’t come to see us.”

After Christmas and years of this, I feel drained and anxious at the thought of visiting again. The long travel, staying over, lack of psychological safety, constant control, and impact on DC makes it feel not worth it. I've always tried to be the nice child and put my family before myself, but I just don't think I have the energy to do it anymore and quite frankly my mum feels like a toxic person.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to visit again simply because I don’t want to? At any time of year, let alone Christmas? I know mum will make me out to be the bad guy if I do this.

Thanks if you got this far!!!!

@Youcanbuymeflowers my late DM was very tricky at Christmas. She did too much, got completely overwhelmed and almost always ended up in tears because of something utterly inconsequential. As she got older, she got more unpleasant- because of many life difficulties like ill-health and isolation that were not of her doing but also not of mine - so no reason to take them out on me!

I did 5 years in a row (despite having several siblings) and so on the sixth year, I said no more and spent it with my (then) bf (now DH) abroad. He’d been there for Boxing Day onwards and had been so horrified by DPs behaviour that he said he’d never let me do it alone again. My siblings were predictably outraged but none of them stepped up!

My DM died the summer after that Christmas I fled and I can promise you now I have NEVER felt a moment’s regret about not being there for that Christmas. Sometimes the best thing to do is recognise that what we need is not what our parents need and that the two cannot be aligned. I went at different less stressful times of the year and it was much better.

It’s ok to give yourself emotional permission to put yourself and your children first. You may even find it improves your relationship - and if it doesn’t, it reduces the upset stemming from the conflict because you see them less. I really hope Christmas 2026 is ten times better for you than this one.

Maybe they don't want to invest their own bloody time and energy into others.
You lose if you don't put yourself first.

@Youcanbuymeflowers She sounds restrictive and perhaps suffering from some form of anxiety but her behaviour doesn't sound freakish or utterly horrific. I mean, whilst you are in her house you should abide by her rules (as long as they aren't dangerous obviously). And why are you having private conversations with your DH at her house? Surely anything that important can wait until you get home. Surely you can keep off the subject of politics and how much you give to charity too? Also your autistic DD is going to have to get used to some rigidity and rules in life, especially if she ever goes to work, so I don't see why she can't suck up a couple of hours at her grandmother's. Like it or not, your parents did give you 40k which you gladly accepted. Some people only dream of that sort of help. Sorry, but I think you're rather dramatising the whole thing. It's not as if you have to live with her or see her that often and most grown ups could adequately cope with using one bathroom and plastic cups for an afternoon. I think the core of the matter is that your brother was given more money than you.

I don't see the problem at all OP. You invite her, she declines, ergo you don't have to see her. Why have you complicated it more than that?

Based on what you've said, and your family circumstances, I'd restrict visits too, unless it was possible to stay in a hotel and reduce the time spent in her actual presence. I'd be honest about it too and admit that it was due to her rules and behaviours.