Left home at 18 and have never lived there since. I’m now in my 40s with DH and DC. My mum is extremely controlling, always has been. Very overprotective helicopter parent with very right wing views. She has rigid house rules that apply to everyone, including us and the kids: we’re only allowed to use one bathroom, can’t take drinks out of the kitchen unless they’re in plastic cups, and there’s no privacy—if DH and I try to have a private conversation she interrogates us until we explain. She constantly monitors what everyone is doing, comments on behaviour, corrects the children, and insists we all sit in one room because she’s anxious if people move around the house. It feels like sitting in a waiting room, not a home. She has expressed views in the past that she doesn't like my husband and that she thinks we judge her because our lifestyle is very different to hers - we are a lot more left wing. We give money to charities and she has told us she thinks that if we have enough money to waste then she will give my sibling more - which she followed by giving us £40k of house deposit, but giving my brother £80k. She has no idea what we give to charity as this is personal to us and we don't discuss finances.
When we are visiting she’s very on edge, talks constantly, repeatedly asks if everyone is OK, and won’t allow quiet or rest. Our autistic DC finds this overwhelming and dysregulating. Despite her insisting her home is “relaxing,” it really isn’t, and I’ve tried explaining this—dad dismisses it as “that’s just mum.”
My parents refuse to visit us (we live 4 hours away) and haven’t been to our home in 6 years. Mum says she won’t ever travel and frames everything as my fault (“you moved away,” “you chose to live far away”). When we don’t visit, she tells others “you didn’t come to see us.”
After Christmas and years of this, I feel drained and anxious at the thought of visiting again. The long travel, staying over, lack of psychological safety, constant control, and impact on DC makes it feel not worth it. I've always tried to be the nice child and put my family before myself, but I just don't think I have the energy to do it anymore and quite frankly my mum feels like a toxic person.
Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to visit again simply because I don’t want to? At any time of year, let alone Christmas? I know mum will make me out to be the bad guy if I do this.
Thanks if you got this far!!!!