To say you don’t become a powerful woman by slacking off, you do it by working hard or marrying rich… or both?

[GritOrGold]

I’m so tired of the pearl-clutching when it comes to how women arrive. Truth is, some of us build, some of us align strategically and some of us do both. And both are valid.

There’s this unspoken rule that if a woman marries into wealth or influence, she must have “sold out” or didn’t “earn” it. But if she grinds her way there, she’s accused of being too cold or too ambitious.

Can we stop acting like there’s only one respectable path to power?
Some of us worked hard. Some of us married smart. Some of us did both.

AIBU to think the outcome matters more than the route?

I think there is a difference between utilising your skillset to earn money independently, and utilising your skillset to marry someone with/ earning a lot of money. That is a different outcome surely? What’s your definition of a “powerful” woman - just spending ability? The ability to make a difference in areas of importance? Someone respected for their knowledge or position in the community? A powerfully intelligent or powerfully charismatic woman? The phrase contains multitudes beyond being able to get your husband’s Coutt’s card out, in my opinion.

I'm not sure "slacking off" and "marrying rich" are opposites?

Hanging your hand in your husband's wallet is hardly going to make anyone 'powerful'.

What does ‘slacking off’ even mean here.

plenty did by owning half of everything (if the everything is big!!) - plus additional savings and property solely in their name!!

I think that’s what OP is referring to by marrying well- not having your husband’s 2 grand credit limit card on your Amazon account!!

In my experience and those of my friends (mainly women), it's parenthood that is the main blocker for climbing the career ladder.

The parents I know where BOTH of them continued on the same career trajectory hired a nanny, not nursery, which meant they had to have at least £30k spare to employ someone. That meant that both of them had had to get that big promotion before they started having DC.

Other couples, usually one of them had to sacrifice their career.
For me and my DH, my career has plateaued, he's got the 'big' job but that means I do the vast majority of life, household and school admin - something has to give.

IMO marrying into an already wealthy family is a different kettle of fish. Your starting points are completely different to most young couples.

'Married smart', really?

All of the couples I know who are successful come from and through similar circumstances so both partners are successful. They are attracted to each other because they have similar values.

I don't think this is a major issue of our time. Some men and women have always got status by BA marrying it.

What's brought this on?

But arguably if its 'power' you're after then anything you've done to achieve that through your own merit and hard work will likely lead to significantly more power than that which relies on your association with your husband. Who could chuck you at any given moment.

If you've no skills to fall back on then any power you had is lost.

Do you really think the male prime minister's wife has the same power than the female prime minister?

I think the days we value women based on who they marry are thankfully over.

You certainly don't become a powerful woman by getting ChatGPT to write vague word salad and posting it on mumsnet.

I’m not sure what a powerful woman is, but I have no desire to be one. Like most people I just want myself and my family to be safe, well, and as financially secure as possible.

What I can tell you however, is that if I did want power and wealth, I wouldn’t be looking in a man’s wallet for it and then claiming it as my own.

What in god's name are you talking about? Do you not have a job like normal people?

Will you share your story with us, OP? I'm sure it can be done, but it's a difficult balance.

If I could have persued my desired career path it would have been very different to the occupations that I did work in. I worked hard, I worked full time, as a single parent in the later years. I was independent.

I was born in social housing and I moved into social housing when I had my DD. I am missing lots of bits out. But I have a mixed normal and borderline dysfunctional family and tend to distance myself from the latter as much and as politely, as I can.

I have never worked in an office environment, admin or anything like that. And so, to some degree have not done this whole career thing.

I worked for many years in the NHS, but didn't see it as a career. It was a job, but I did give it my all, as I do in everything I embark on in life. I earned well.

And then I met my now DH. He asked me to leave work, when I was 42. I considered it and went for it and he gave me the Coutts card.

I am now 59. I now manage all of our family finances because at some levels that is what it takes.

There are no airs and graces or designer handbags in our family. We are a normal family getting on with
life.

There is no “slacking off”. Did I “marry smart”???

We have a loving and respectful marriage. My DH has age related health conditions now. We have a good, financially secure life.

I wouldn’t change it for the world. But I am contemplative because we are
both older and age catches up with
us all.

I therefore do appreciate the opportunities and decisions that have come my way. I do also take responsibility for recognising the opportunities and making the decisions that I did.

“How women arrive”? ODFOD, OP - your thread is like some kind of alien interference from Sheryl Sandberg’s 2007 fever dreams. It bears absolutely no resemblance to life in 2025 for women — especially the “powerful” ones.

Couldn't really give a shit that I'm not high earner and that I didn't marry rich. STFU

I am powerful in ways you can't begin to imagine. I didn't need to marry rich, have a high flying career or lots of money either. Lolz... women's empowerment is all about the money and menz, innit

I was trying to put my thoughts together but you got there first @catontheironingboard!

AI rubbish.

I don't think anyone who married into wealth rather than earn it is 'powerful'. They are just living off someone else's success.

Most wealthy people just inherited it. It's not like they "earned it".

Wtf are you even on about?!

Leftover Christmas sherry?