To say you don’t become a powerful woman by slacking off, you do it by working hard or marrying rich… or both?

[GritOrGold]

I’m so tired of the pearl-clutching when it comes to how women arrive. Truth is, some of us build, some of us align strategically and some of us do both. And both are valid.

There’s this unspoken rule that if a woman marries into wealth or influence, she must have “sold out” or didn’t “earn” it. But if she grinds her way there, she’s accused of being too cold or too ambitious.

Can we stop acting like there’s only one respectable path to power?
Some of us worked hard. Some of us married smart. Some of us did both.

AIBU to think the outcome matters more than the route?

I said £200k+, as that’s his base salary, but with dividends, bonuses and shares he regularly exceeds £300k. We have enough savings and assets that him losing his job would not impact our lives. I also have a successful business which would pay all of our expenses and some.

I know a few men who earn 1m plus (law firm partners) but I have never been attracted to men simply because of money.

Agree. There's no power associated with marrying someone rich.

Ok same point though

£300k is lower than the average earnings of a partner in most City law firms/big 4 - and I know several people who earn this or more as I work in that sector. All continue to be nervous about losing their job as they are reliant on that.

financial security isn’t a given in this day and age - for the vast vast majority of people.

Therefore marrying for a salary is ridiculous when there are so many other important factors to think about in a long term partnership like that.

Building your own wealth is awesome. I think the fact you can cover your own expenses is the thing to be proud of here.

How do you define a‘powerful woman’?!

@Namechangedforthis25 I agree with you that a lot of city earners eg bankers and analysts can have quite short careers and often lose their jobs very easily. It’s a tough industry.

It's fine to marry into money, but don't talk about it as though you've achieved, at the same level as someone who has worked/qualified themselves to that wage level. My GC used to go to a dance class and the women looked down on the average waged women there (who were often much more intelligent than them). I've seen too many women trapped in gilded cages, to suggest it as a game plan. Even worse, dropped on their arse and their children then favouring the money tree, over the maternal offerings.
@JuneButter your's is a different situation because you also earn. But tbh, once I hit 45, I wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with a man 14 years older than me. At 57 a 72 year old wouldn't appeal. Your friends sound incredibly stupid, though.

What do you mean by powerful? To be powerful you have to have influence over people - I'm trying to figure out if you're Meghan Markle or a youtuber.

Or maybe you're just a run of the mill narcissist who thinks having lots of money makes them somehow 'powerful'?

I should have added that 'powerful ' women to me are the ones making their communities better, the Hillsborough campaigners, the WASPIs, Ann Ming, Claire Throssell etc not someone who can pay a lot for a handbag, jet to Dubai, or Diamonds from Harry Winston.

Without outing his exact career and contract, that is very unlikely to happen to him and many other people in his sector go on to have careers into their 60s, retiring at the point they have millions in their pensions.

His wealth has also enabled us to have other income streams, such as investment in properties and shares.

Wealth builds wealth. I would hope most people on large salaries have invested it into multiple income streams as we have.

I don’t think anyone wants to read your husband’s contract.

You must be very proud of him. However your ability to be self sufficient without him is actually far more impressive.

When I was dating I was quite selective insofar as looking for a fellow financially independent person who like me, had the own career, home etc. Thats not gold digging, just sensible.

I don't think you're a gold digger but £200k per year would not be sufficient to induce me to marry someone that old 😬

There’s way too much of this AI-generated, three-word username shit clogging up mumsnet.

Are you equating wealth with power?

While they do often go hand in hand, I'd say I know more powerful women who aren't rich in money but rich in time devotion and passion. Many wealthy people have power, derived from different sources, but not all powerful people are wealthy imo.

I'm with @JuneButter but with few differences.

I’m nearing my mid-40s now and have spent the last decade as a stay-at-home mom. Before that, I was a high earner who made smart financial moves that allowed me to do this without worry. During my career, I built passive income streams to make it possible. I’d always aimed for high-paying careers, and when I was about 16 in state school with a computer and early internet access, I researched the best-paying jobs. I also wanted to retire young and did everything I could to make it happen. Coming from a farming family, my upbringing was different from most.

My husband is four years older than me. He’s a high earner, bringing in about £400k in a good year, and comes from a wealthy family. He’s planning to retire in a few years.

We met at work in our early twenties, both employed at the same firm, and as they say, the rest is history.

I don't feel vulnerable or dependent at all.

Hum no the ends do not justify the means

and yes I have more respect for a women who lives her life based on her brains not appealing to men’s baser instincts

I value hard work on both men and women so your premise seems a little off

i think its more for the elites, eg like the jd rockerfellers and their partners in the past etc the influence in business circle and political circles etc

Marrying JD Rockefeller doesn’t make someone JD Rockefeller, in that case. It just makes you Wife of JD Rockefeller.

Can’t see any influence or power in that title.

Reminds me of that Cher quote when her mother tells her to marry a rich man.

“Momma, I am a rich man.”

true but i think some people will assume you have influence by being with them or that they are able to influence their partner so even if in theroy they dont have direct influence they have soft influence and so some people would treat their partner as if it was jd rockefeller himself because of the influence the wife may achieve etc

Historical Precedent: Elite Spouses as Power or influencers
The claim that a spouse has “no influence or power” collapses under even cursory historical scrutiny.
Examples across domains:

• Abigail Adams shaped John Adams’ political thinking
• Edith Wilson effectively governed during Woodrow Wilson’s incapacitation
• Jay Rockefeller’s wife, Sharon Percy Rockefeller, exercised enormous influence in arts, philanthropy, and elite networks
• In aristocratic and industrial families, spouses routinely acted as:
• Political intermediaries
• Social legitimizers
• Strategic advisors

Power in elite systems is often domestic before it is public.

I think I am in the “both” category - but because DH helped me keep my shoulder to the wheel and supported me when I was putting in the grind. And even now, he is looking after the home fires (including 20yo DD unexpectedly home from Uni for health reasons) while I am overseas for a work posting for a couple of years. And I did the same for him in the past.

Neither of us come from money - both sets of parents firmly in the middle class but both supported us going to uni. And both of us continued learning over the years. And both of us started in basic entry level jobs - DH started work a few months after I met him while I was still doing my Bachelor’s degree, so he wasn’t far ahead of me.

I have worked hard to get where I am today (which I think is successful) - but DH was my cheering squad to help me get there. And we were both parents to DD - we’d split time off when she was sick depending on whose meetings were less changeable and juggle together. We once had PILs come to stay (from 2.5 hours away) to cover both of us needing to be away at the same time for work, but mostly we managed to juggle that as well so one of us was always here. And we’ve just managed everything as fairly as possible over the years between us- sometimes DH needed more flexibility, and sometimes I did. But we are a team and do that for each other.