Family holiday with lazy in-laws

[Itsthesameeveryday]

Incredibly wonderful (in every way) PILs have kindly paid for a villa next April for a big family holiday, sunny climate, pool etc. There will be two of them (late 70s), us (2 adults, 2 small children) and SIL and husband (2 adults, 2 slightly older children).

Christmas has reminded us just how incredible lazy and entitled my SIL and her husband are, and now we are absolutely dreading our family holiday.

I desperately need to learn some coping mechanisms for it, I'm not one to usually not saying anything but to do so will 100% cause a family fall out and upset my lovely PILs. I also very much value fairness and find it hard to overlook the inbalance.

Things they do (last family holiday 5 years ago): dont lift a finger to help clean up after 3 meals a day, turn up empty handed whilst we all bring food/drink, complain how tired they are all the time like noone else is ever tired, expect to be waited on hand and foot, think the world revolves around what their 2 kids want to do, dont chip into any ongoing family shops, dont cook any meals. PILs are so giving, they will jump and go and help or do things for them, go to shops to fetch things for them - and then we jump in to save tired PIL from having to do it, which causes a lot of resentment from my end. PIL won't say anything. We are only going as it means so much to PIL. Husband is on exactly the same page as me and finds it very hard.

The Christmas guest thread has made me realise there's loads of entitled people out there, and lots of family members putting up with it and not saying anything, and I'm very interested to hear how others would handle this situation.

AIBU: Keep schtum, dont say anything and put resentment aside for family trip, which has been so kindly gifted. If so please give me tips/similar stories to get me through it.

AINBU: Something absolutely has to be said, even if it will cause tension and upset to PILs.

Let your DH deal with his family .

I think most MN issues could be solved with basic communication skills.

"We went shopping for food, your share is 57 euros"
"We decided to split the week so everyone takes turn cooking. You take over Wednesday and Friday"
"Hey Sam/Jane, could you give me a hand with the dishes, please".
"Oh, it's great that little Clementine and Alistair want to nap by the pool. We are going to take a drive into town. We'll see you at dinner"

Let DH deal with it. And don't jump to rescuing MIL and FIL. If they choose to enable their daughter that's on them. Whether it's shopping or looking after the kids or whatever, let them crack on.

Maybe they'll see what SIL and husband are like, maybe they won't. Not your problem, do what you want to do instead.

Exactly what PP said. Don't just sit and seethe, put the guardrails in beforehand. Operate on the blithe assumption that they'll pull their weight/do their share.

"To make sure everyone gets a break from cooking, we'll each take two days to be in charge of food. Do you have any preferences for which day?"

"Do you want to pay into a shared kitty for groceries, or take turns to do the shop?"

"No, my kids would hate that, why don't you sort yourselves today."

Basically - there's no need to jump to confrontation/falling out. Deal with it breezily and confidently beforehand and in the moment. Treat them like you'd treat a difficult toddler - offer closed options, assume compliance, remain calm.

And if they try to wriggle out of things/pass it off, you stay calm and treat it like they're joking. "Nice try, Jenny! But Sheila did it all yesterday, time for her to put her feet up and enjoy the telly. Get the kids to help, I can't wait until mine are that age and a bit more independent!"

YANBU.

Suggest making a ‘to make holiday run smoothly and restful for all’ chart; each adult/couple is allocated their slots to shop for all, cook for all and wash-up for all and it’ll be evenly split.

Feedback welcome and changes to itinerary can be swapped about pre-holiday only.

Give no-one the opportunity to be lazy!

Exactly what @Catza and @JassyRadlett said. Use your words.

I know you're all right - I find it very, very hard to. I need to hear this! Bright and breezy is the way forward, I'll have to practice.

Love the idea of a kitty or a cooking schedule

We had one family holiday with DHs brother and SIL and they were so awful I said never again. I think now you've agreed you have to follow through but I would definitely plan on doing your own thing with your kids, cleaning up after yourselves but not them (or say, it's your turn to clear up after breakfast SIL/BIL) and certainly wouldn't wait on them in any way - if PIL choose to do that, that's up to them. I'd also tot up the food costs and tell them to pay their share. You don't have to be a pushover and you can do it all calmly and without an argument.

Next year, maybe invite PIL on your family holiday without them!

Absolutely agree. COMMUNICATION and start now. Right now.

so thinking about holiday.

whatsapp group or equivalent and leave PIL out

Hey
making it easier for everyone on holiday.

lets all feed and supervise only our own children.

let’s create a pot for supermarket shops. Then one can use the card. A post office travel account would work for this.

we can then all sort a day or night (for a rest) if we want this. and the others will take over.

worried about PIL and want them to enjoy a rest.

rota for jobs (if necessary)

but just be clear

This with bells on.

Give them a list of what to bring and make a jobs rota. As I'm sure others have said!

Having been in sort of this situation before, what PP have said about handling it strategically up front

Brief DH and maybe PIL before, so they act in support

Set up a group WhatsApp chat to ‘get organized’
State (never ask questions when dealing with lazy people) that this vacation each couple is going to take a day in the kitchen which involves all cooking and cleaning up afterwards. Ask the couples to put in for which day they want to take and then what meals they are going to cook. Remind everyone if there are food allergies/preferences
State that this year you are all going to do a food kitty and you are happy to organize/track it. Ask everyone to venmo you x amount of money (and ask for plenty). You will return leftover money after the trip. State its to cover shared food for meals in the villa beer and wine, anything above that or meals out are to be covered by each family separately

Ask for ideas of activities of thing that people want to do, or restrictions like baby’s nap times, then put together a rough timetable. This isnt to stick to, but just to lay the groundwork for not having SIL palm off her kids on PIL

Then if/when they get all faux innocent about “oh I thought” …you have it all written down as to what was agreed long before anyone gets to the villa..which, makes it easier to be all faux breezy back to them, ‘oh we told you that PIL and our family are walking down to the beach this morning, sorry we cant xyz for your dc’

its a bit of a pain to have to pre organize and pre agree so much when you should be able to be lovely and relaxed and go with the flow on holiday, but with lazy dumpers in the offing, its a good strategy to stymie them

A kitty for groceries and eat out every night so no-one has to do the clearing up.

We do family holidays every year, with very tired and hands-off in laws.

Definitely make sure you have your own car and make your own plans. Your younger kids are the perfect reason for this - ‘younger kids need to go out, run around, be entertained, you guys don’t feel you have to come, see you later for dinner!’. On our holidays, the parents of the other kids will say ‘can you take our kids too’, or ask the grandparents to do so. I can’t tell the GPs not to, but if they assume we will take their kids it’s just a no. I have no problem telling them to their faces, perfectly nicely, that I have my own children to look after and it’s my holiday too.

I also advise pre planning who will provide dinner on what days. Everyone take an evening or 2 to feed everyone.

Kitty, rotas and a hard rule on everyone doing something separately. When we go for a week with other people, we always do a regrouping nuclear family day. It's non-negotiable. If it was two weeks I'd probably do three. Also, if there's adults around, work in an evening they go out as a couple and you babysit and vice versa.

If you look at an App like Split Wise you all..adults.. can put in everything you spend for the common good: food, petrol, tolls, eating out etc and then at the end press and see who owes what or everyone just pop 200 per couple in a jug and pay everything out of it. Would it work better if ye mixed up couples for cooking etc. One three shops & cooks..other three cleans after. Every second day.
This is workable if it is very clear from the begining.

I’d start a step further back and ask what the plan is ie does everyone want to do communal meals - in which case a rota - or do people want to do their own thing? For a kitty, ask what things it makes sense to share and suggest splitwise or similar. You definitely don’t want to be the family chef but people might want to do their own thing some evenings. Either way, you’ll have asked the questions so there shouldn’t be any surprises.

What’s the fucking point of these ‘holidays’ is it to keep the PIL happy in their delusional family fantasy? Life is too hard and too short to be mithered with this as the stress in your annual leave - so you work all year to micro-manage this shit? What a nonsense.

Tell the PIL that their daughter and family should come the first week and you the second with an overlap of 2 nights max all togther in the middle.

one of the reasons we don’t like going on holiday with BIL and family is because they want to bring all the labor of home on holiday with us. We are fine using the kitchen for some very simple meals and snacks, but we want to go out to eat and not spend all our time cooking and cleaning. At most I want to pour a bowl of cereal or make a quick sandwich. The grocery kitty and the cooking rota absolutely makes the trip a misery.

it’s the same at the holidays. I don’t have trouble cooking the big meal and I go all out and make everything from scratch. Around that, I’m looking for every shortcut. If I’m in charge we are going to restaurants and ordering takeaways.

I think that’s why you need to canvas opinions too.

You are right though, not everyone wants to be doing the same shit in a less well equipped location! I won’t go self catering for more than a long weekend anymore. I am a doer, but want some time off!

That would have been perfect, however it's only booked for 1 week

I’m guessing last time five years ago you didn’t have kids do they played the woe is me card ; parenting is so tiring we need a break card. Well this time you do have young kids they don’t so your DH needs to send out a meal roster and HE needs to if in laws do nothing say oi sis your turn for the dishes.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like you like them very much so who cares if there is drama - your PIL might secretly be grateful

Can do the same with crossover mid week - why put yourself through the charade? It’s much higher risk to family dynamics to put yourselves in potential conflict situations for a week than for a day or two overlap

Why oh why would you ever agree to go?
I would rather rip my eyes out with forks than go away with other peoples kids.

Can't wait for the post holiday thread