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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is never going to change now? Can’t believe I’m in this situation 20 years on

48 replies

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:02

Like most people I expect, since my late teens I had hoped to get married and have children, I imagined the home I might have and the life I would build with someone.

I worked really hard to get into a decent career. Along the way I had many dates, a few relationships, often these broke down due to distance with career driven men who weren’t ready to settle down.

By the time I was 30 I felt like I had dated and had my fair share of heartbreak too. I then had some pretty horrendous experiences with men, including one who was extremely abusive, another who lied about being married and then when I was 35 I was pregnant by a man I had been seeing for a year. Our child is almost four and I’m almost 39. His dad sees him regularly but he is also career driven and spends chunks of time outside the uk. Aside from decent financial support, everything falls on me.

It hit me this Christmas that actually, I can’t see myself meeting someone now and it’s almost certain at this stage I won’t build a life with someone in the way I imagined with children. What comes after that is the prospect of Christmas alone, there’s a high chance my Ds may want to travel or be with a partner or be busy over events like Christmas and birthdays and I can’t rely on him for companionship. But I can see it now, totally alone as I get older, just as I have been for the entirety of my adult life, in a romantic sense.

I am not sure what the point of this post is really. I think I am feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t get that happy ending I had always hoped for. Of course I have good in my life and I appreciate that but it’s lonely in a way I can’t describe and when I had a look online dating it was just awful… even being totally open minded I couldn’t see anyone I would want to even talk to. Then there’s the added complication of having a child. I feel like after ds grows up the future will be totally bleak.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 26/12/2025 20:06

I am not going to pollyanna you because it sounds shit and was what I was looking to avoid (ie I decided I didnt want a child outside marriage, id rather be childless)

I think your options inc but armet limited to

  • Have another child solo (if you love being a mum)
  • Get hobbies and get involved in the community (easier now he is bigger)
  • Accept your lot!
Pavementworrier · 26/12/2025 20:06

There is no such thing as happily ever after

Most women outlive their male partners

Sickness and pain are built in to the human existence

To live is to suffer and everyone who has children passes this on

If this helps at all

Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:09

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 26/12/2025 20:06

I am not going to pollyanna you because it sounds shit and was what I was looking to avoid (ie I decided I didnt want a child outside marriage, id rather be childless)

I think your options inc but armet limited to

  • Have another child solo (if you love being a mum)
  • Get hobbies and get involved in the community (easier now he is bigger)
  • Accept your lot!

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp yes I think it’s about accepting it. I thought I would be able to do this quite easily even after his dad left me but I actually feel a bit empty, like I know nothing will change now. I have absolutely no faith in men anymore and I think even if it’s a nice relationship it would still be added stress because that’s always been my experience.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 26/12/2025 20:09

Your son is 4, he’s many years away from not wanting to be with you. Honestly I wouldn’t spend much time catastrophising about that now - I reckon you have 20 years as at least before that risk might happen.

Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

Pavementworrier · 26/12/2025 20:06

There is no such thing as happily ever after

Most women outlive their male partners

Sickness and pain are built in to the human existence

To live is to suffer and everyone who has children passes this on

If this helps at all

@Pavementworrier i agree with all this, just wish I could have had some of the good bits too where relationships were concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

Comtesse · 26/12/2025 20:09

Your son is 4, he’s many years away from not wanting to be with you. Honestly I wouldn’t spend much time catastrophising about that now - I reckon you have 20 years as at least before that risk might happen.

@Comtesse true but it’s there at the end. I will be totally alone as I only have one child and no relationship.

OP posts:
Catza · 26/12/2025 20:13

The future will be whatever you choose it to be.
I am in a similar situation except I have no children. And, to be honest, I love my life. It's not always been that way. I had to sit myself down and have a think - what is it actually that I want from a relationship? What am I missing?
Companionship, hugs, someone to share good and bad news with - I have my wonderful friends for that. Many of them are now divorced women with older children so the whole "I'm left behind while everyone is happily coupled up" no longer is the issue. Everyone has loads of time. It was just the matter of being more proactive to maintain these relationships.

Doing fun things together? Well, turned out I can do a lot of fun stuff alone. I travel, I have sociable hobbies, I discovered adventure sports recently and have quite a few exciting things booked for next year.

Sex? I can do it myself or there is plenty of casual sex to be found on the apps.

I'm 42 and have no desire to stop living or loving. If I meet someone - great. If I don't, also great.

Pavementworrier · 26/12/2025 20:13

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

@Pavementworrier i agree with all this, just wish I could have had some of the good bits too where relationships were concerned.

Show quote history

You made your son exist so... Maybe focus on that more

TwoTuesday · 26/12/2025 20:17

You're 39, you've plenty of time to meet someone and in the meantime you've got a good career and a child with a father who contributes financially.
You're a long way from the end OP I'd say you're at about Chapter 2, if that. Happy endings come in all formats. It's not just the Disney princess way or nothing. You sound like you're doing ok.

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2025 20:24

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

@Comtesse true but it’s there at the end. I will be totally alone as I only have one child and no relationship.

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But you have a lot of years to cultivate friendships (and the odds are you will meet someone for a relationship) so what you fear is unlikely to come true?

Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:29

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2025 20:24

But you have a lot of years to cultivate friendships (and the odds are you will meet someone for a relationship) so what you fear is unlikely to come true?

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@NearlyMonday but it’s been 20 years or more than since I started dating with no success. I can’t imagine now it’s going to be an easier as im older, have a ds and feel totally let down by men

OP posts:
Endofyear · 26/12/2025 20:32

I think there's every chance that you will meet someone and make a life with them so I wouldn't write it off as you're going to end up alone! I have many friends who got together with their partners later in life and they're happy.

And if you remain single, you can still have a happy and fulfilled life filled with friends and travel and all sorts of good things. You have a wonderful son and all the joy that comes with that. Try and reframe your thinking and cherish the good things in your life and think about what you can do to improve it if that's what you want.

herbalteabag · 26/12/2025 20:33

I think you are worrying about this far too early. Your son is only 4 and you have no idea what your life will be like in 20 years. You might meet someone, or you might not. Or you might just meet new friends and have an active social life.
Anyway, there is every chance that your son will still spend Christmas with you even as an adult, and in the faraway future you might become a grandparent and your family might grow bigger. Who knows what the future holds?

mrsharryohay · 26/12/2025 20:34

I think most of us are looking for a permanent connection, although it doesn’t have to be through a romantic relationship it is hard (not impossible) to cultivate elsewhere. Friends have their own families, children grow (although I do think that there is something in that if you love something, let it go …)

I will tell you that I met my husband aged 38. I had all but given up as well but I’m now 45, married with two children! So don’t write yourself off!

pinkstripeycat · 26/12/2025 20:42

OP, it could be worse.

My friend got married, had children who had children. Friend set her own business dog grooming at her beautiful home in her dream location. Her husband went off with someone else. Friend is now in her 50s and living with her parents. She had to finish her business as she couldn’t run it from her parent’s home as it’s not big enough. She can’t afford another home of her own. She’s now in a job she hates, hasn’t got her own space and is doing her best to save up so she can start again.

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/12/2025 20:48

I feel the same op
42 with nothing but a string of disastrous relationships behind me and a nearly 6 yo
tbh I’d be happy if I could just meet more people like you ie: people in the same boat as me but it’s harder than it sounds .

NoTouch · 26/12/2025 20:55

My SIL dipped her toes back into dating met a (awful awful) man via online dating when her dd was 8, that ended when she was 14.

Then a few years later she met someone whose mum lived along the street from her mum and was in the same year at school, although they didn’t know each other, they exchanged numbers (for emergencies if anything happened with either of their mums).

Later that week, he phoned and asked her out. Lovely man, they tentatively dated and have now been seeing each other for 8 years. Still live separately as they both like their own space, about an hour apart, near their own adult families but spend most weekends at each others and she has a better social life/more active, happier than most mid 50 year olds I know.

You never know what the future will bring, enjoy what you have now, get out there and that positivity can make things happen.

LorenzoCalzone · 26/12/2025 20:56

Feel sad if you want to feel sad.

I thought your post was going to say you never had a child, like you wanted. But you did. Hopefully they are happy and healthy? If so, in my eyes you've won the lottery.

Living in the present will bring a lot of joy if you let it x

Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:59

LorenzoCalzone · 26/12/2025 20:56

Feel sad if you want to feel sad.

I thought your post was going to say you never had a child, like you wanted. But you did. Hopefully they are happy and healthy? If so, in my eyes you've won the lottery.

Living in the present will bring a lot of joy if you let it x

@LorenzoCalzone thanks, I think it’s partly that, the inability to live in the present. I’ve always found that difficult. I don’t want to go into another year feeling like this, i absolutely adore ds but that doesnt remove the sadness of feeling like I’m missing building a life with someone. It just feels like I have spends nearly two decades searching for the right person and it turns out there isn’t anyone who wanted me and me them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 21:01

NoTouch · 26/12/2025 20:55

My SIL dipped her toes back into dating met a (awful awful) man via online dating when her dd was 8, that ended when she was 14.

Then a few years later she met someone whose mum lived along the street from her mum and was in the same year at school, although they didn’t know each other, they exchanged numbers (for emergencies if anything happened with either of their mums).

Later that week, he phoned and asked her out. Lovely man, they tentatively dated and have now been seeing each other for 8 years. Still live separately as they both like their own space, about an hour apart, near their own adult families but spend most weekends at each others and she has a better social life/more active, happier than most mid 50 year olds I know.

You never know what the future will bring, enjoy what you have now, get out there and that positivity can make things happen.

@NoTouch this is so nice to read. Thanks. I can’t imagine meeting someone at all, it just doesn’t come into my mind like it used to… I used to still envision it, still hope for it. Now I truly do think it is hopeless and I think that’s what has hit me in the run up to this Christmas

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 21:01

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/12/2025 20:48

I feel the same op
42 with nothing but a string of disastrous relationships behind me and a nearly 6 yo
tbh I’d be happy if I could just meet more people like you ie: people in the same boat as me but it’s harder than it sounds .

@TheThingOnTheIce yes, I have one friend in a similar situation and I am so grateful she is in my life as she truly understands! If you want to DM me feel free :)

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 26/12/2025 21:08

My best friend met her 2nd dh at 45 (first one left her for another woman) and my dsis met her 1st dh at 50 and has now been very happily married for 10 years! Both already had children.

I get what you’re saying but it’s silly to write yourself off in your 30’s. I would just try and focus on giving yourself as full of a life as possible - and be thankful for your little boy as many don’t even get to have that. I’ve been married to a very good man for 20 years and have 4 dc’s but there’s no guarantee we’ll grow old together and we’ve certainly had our share of ups and downs, everyone does.

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/12/2025 21:17

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 21:01

@TheThingOnTheIce yes, I have one friend in a similar situation and I am so grateful she is in my life as she truly understands! If you want to DM me feel free :)

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Have done x

sharkstale · 26/12/2025 21:30

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

@Comtesse true but it’s there at the end. I will be totally alone as I only have one child and no relationship.

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Not necessarily. I'm 37 and always want to spend Christmas with my mum still, along with my 2 kids, and that'll never change.

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2025 21:36

Yoursaysa · 26/12/2025 20:10

@Comtesse true but it’s there at the end. I will be totally alone as I only have one child and no relationship.

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I will also be alone as my husband of 35 years is 11 years older than me and we weren’t able to have any children. I am making the most of every day I get with him.