To think this is never going to change now? Can’t believe I’m in this situation 20 years on

[Yoursaysa]

Like most people I expect, since my late teens I had hoped to get married and have children, I imagined the home I might have and the life I would build with someone.

I worked really hard to get into a decent career. Along the way I had many dates, a few relationships, often these broke down due to distance with career driven men who weren’t ready to settle down.

By the time I was 30 I felt like I had dated and had my fair share of heartbreak too. I then had some pretty horrendous experiences with men, including one who was extremely abusive, another who lied about being married and then when I was 35 I was pregnant by a man I had been seeing for a year. Our child is almost four and I’m almost 39. His dad sees him regularly but he is also career driven and spends chunks of time outside the uk. Aside from decent financial support, everything falls on me.

It hit me this Christmas that actually, I can’t see myself meeting someone now and it’s almost certain at this stage I won’t build a life with someone in the way I imagined with children. What comes after that is the prospect of Christmas alone, there’s a high chance my Ds may want to travel or be with a partner or be busy over events like Christmas and birthdays and I can’t rely on him for companionship. But I can see it now, totally alone as I get older, just as I have been for the entirety of my adult life, in a romantic sense.

I am not sure what the point of this post is really. I think I am feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t get that happy ending I had always hoped for. Of course I have good in my life and I appreciate that but it’s lonely in a way I can’t describe and when I had a look online dating it was just awful… even being totally open minded I couldn’t see anyone I would want to even talk to. Then there’s the added complication of having a child. I feel like after ds grows up the future will be totally bleak.

I think I would see it as “ok if I never meet anyone, what else would make my life feel full”. I k ow romantic relationships are unique but you can fill your cup with other types of love too. I think trying to develop deep meaningful relationships with friends is also really worthy. You may meet a man, you may not but you still have a life to live, try to enjoy it.

You’re still fairly young, and your child is tiny – a long way away from leaving you behind. Happy ever after is a myth, and life is full of complications for everyone.

You sound depressed. I would try to get some therapy and maybe anti-depressants. If not for yourself, do it for your son.

I am blessed with 3 children but had an horrendous abusive 23 year marriage to their father
I was forced by SS in lockdown to finally leave him, I was shamefully cowardly
at 50 I met my now DH, I had no desire to date
I love him very much, it’s not perfect but I’m happy in our little world
you are very young, relax

"If this helps at all"

You're quite the cheery one, aren't you! (You're right though I suppose.)

Why on earth would you assume you wouldn’t spend some time with your son including at Christmas and birthdays and some time with friends e joying your life. Loads of people are single in older age and they still live fulfilling lives.

Your feelings are real but they don’t have to define you. I wish I could explain what the best part of 5 years’ therapy did for me - I can’t put it into words but I know I’m much happier. I’d recommend it. There’s also reasons people do all the cliched things like meditation, joining a worship community, wild swimming, all that. And they are happier for it.

I know so many people who met their loves at a much much older age than you that I would say it’s more likely than not that you will in fact meet someone, or more than one. Relationships are much better when you’re older and more relaxed.

Please don't give up hope............but perhaps you need to stop thinking about it and concentrate on your child and you more. You just don't know what's around the corner. I felt the same way (although I didn't have a child) at 30.......and then out of the blue it happened. It can happen and I'm sure it will happen actually.

Just keep the hope up whilst doing more of the things you love.

My wife died two months ago and I had the privilege of being married to her, to have loved her (and been loved) for 25 years. I met her about 3 months after I'd given up thinking I'd ever meet someone. We had 3 wonderful kids together and then she got ill (cancer).

I speak from direct experience - it really can happen, at the least moment you think it will. Please don't give up hope.

I think if your happiness depends on having someone else in your life, then you’re always at risk of unhappiness, you may split up or they might pass away, but if you tie you your happiness to you, how you feel inside, your value, your achievements, then no one gets to take it away from you

This is so true

I think your happy ever after dream of married with children has probably sailed now. It's a bit unlikely (but not impossible) that you'll meet mr perfect, get married and have more kids together. But you still have every prospect of a meaningful long term relationship and even marriage ahead of you, being alone forever is pretty unlikely unless you choose that path.

At 39, honestly I felt really old and “well this is it”. But something about turning 40 showed me that actually I’ve years yet, I might not be “young” but I’m a long way from over the hill, and there’s loads of new parts of life to experience.

Try to build more of a life OP, and embrace what’s out there. Don’t worry about meeting a man - but maybe you will, no one knows. Plenty of people meet wonderful life partners later in life. Without wanting to sound morbid, at 40 the divorces are starting in my peer group, I’m thoroughly expecting another round of weddings over the next ten years as different people become single then couple up!

You can’t rely on your child for companionship. I agree, as the lone child of a single mother, our relationship took a nose dive around my teens as I was her only companionship and I couldn’t cope with that responsibility. But she picked herself up, built more friendships, ended up finding someone and getting married (and they’ve been together over 20 years now), and we have a very close relationship, I’ve only spent 3 Christmases without her.

Don’t dismiss what you have in longing for what you don’t. Live life, and you never know what might happen.

Try a bit harder with OLD is my advice. I met my bloke online when I was 43 and we celebrated our silver wedding this year. Just keep an open mind and accept you have to kiss a lot of frogs.

Who knows who you will meet tomorrow?
You are not even 40 yet! Online dating is not the only way to meet people. Also, it’s not the same old people on online dating sites for the last 20 years, maybe the man of your dreams signed up for the first time today? You never know.
Also, maybe it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship at all

I had a child already, and met my husband when I was 39 and we have since got married and I had another baby at 44. I would have had another baby solo had I not met a decent man.

You have 15-20 years of Christmasses left with your son.

You have decades to form meaningful relationships with people who will fill your life with love and friendship. It may not be romantic love but that’s only one kind.

I am likely to be a young widow (large age gap relationship) and my only child wants to emigrate to America. I’m interested in what my life will be like in that future. It will not be without meaning.

Wow! There is such a lot of wisdom and of love and care in these replies.

I suppose this is me, albeit ten years on from where you are now. It gets easier, honestly! Peri has helped, it has removed that longing to meet and be with someone. As my child has gained some independence, I have gained some freedom, too. I have health issues that are very limiting, but if not I would be out there having fun with friends whilst my child was doing the same! Friends of this age are gaining so much more freedom, and are spending more time with friends, socialising, volunteering, all sorts in addition to work and parenting. I suppose what I am saying is: don’t give up, it does get better. You may not get what you thought you wanted, but what you want changes.

Who knows what the hell will happen in life. My relationship is not at all conventional and we spend a lot of time apart. That's not how I imagined things would pan out, but it's OK. We're all living different lives.

This! Most of the older single women I know are the ones having all the fun, and very involved with their adult kids and GC, hanging out with their friends. A lot of the married older women, meanwhile, are stuck effectively caring for their curmudgeonly husbands and hardly enjoying their retirement at all.

I am you except five years older and fairly independent of spirit I guess. I do understand about others being very coupled up at this particular age and how it can be very isolating, but I do think this will change with time, everybody is very absorbed in their families at the moment. But also, take a really good look at the relationships around you. How many would you actually want yourself? I think you are yearning after a fantasy somewhat, personally I look at the couples I know and don't really envy any of them....

The thing that strikes me in all your posts is that you keep focusing on ‘alone’ as though that’s the only alternative to being in a couple, and that you don’t mention any friends at all. Do you have good friends whose presence in your life you value? If not, that’s what I would focus on nurturing now — putting myself into positions where I am doing stuff I enjoy and meeting like-minded people, and being pro-active about making and keeping friends.

This is not an alternative to trying to meet someone for a relationship, or an indication you’ve given up. I think it might in fact help. You sound as if your sense of self is profoundly bound up in what you see as your failure to find a committed relationship, and I can’t imagine this doesn’t come across in how you interact with others. The most attractive people are always the people with full lives. Work on having a life that satisfies you, and contains lots of people who value and love you. That can only help your chances of finding a satisfying relationship.

Partners come and go. You are so lucky to have years yet ahead of you with your precious child. I'd pick child over man any day. Maybe some counselling would help you focus on what you have rather than what you don't - the thread shows that for many people a relationship isn't the ideal either.

Plenty meet new dp’s in later life. Both of my siblings did in their fifties. But I think you’re falling into that trap of imagining everything would be perfect if this or that happened. There’s plenty of loneliness within relationships. Some have multiple dc and don’t see them at Xmas. Making the best of what you have is the way I think. There isn’t one perfect path.

@Devuelta81 is so true. Single friends having a ball. I’ve never felt so alone. And yet married. Everyone’s happy ever after looks different.