To feel sad I don’t have my shit together inching into my 30’s?

[30FlirtyandDrivingmyselftoinsanity]

I’m about to turn 30 and I can’t really complain.. but I will anyway.

I’m married, two beautiful children, mortgage (shared ownership though) and generally good physical health (mental health is poor but who’s isn’t in this climate)

Despite the above, I feel like I just don’t have my shit together at all. We have some debt (loan we took out for our wedding a few years ago) in hindsight I wish we hadn’t, hindsight is a wonderful thing. But now we pay near £600 a month on debt.

I have a bad credit score after I was a stupid teenager, took out loans and didn’t prioritise paying them back. Only got a handle on it in my mid-20’s so I’m still paying the price now.

Our house is a blank slate of boring. It hardly feels like a home. Second hand everything.. which I know isn’t a bad thing by any means, but I feel like I can’t afford nice things as an adult. DH is nearly 40, and together we can’t even properly furnish our home. Ideally I don’t want to live here forever. We’re on a rough estate under shared ownership as we needed something big enough for 4 of us.

things used to be easier financially, but I had a bit of a mental slip, quit my job due to unholy burnout that had me near suicidal.

I was explaining to DH today that I feel lucky to have my family, have a roof over our heads so I’m not ungrateful.. but I don’t feel accomplished.

we go to friends of similar ages, family even and their houses are so much more homely and put together than ours is.. but we can’t afford to actually make things nice. We just have literal basics.

I just don’t want to be in my 30’s, unable to afford a coffee table unless it’s from B&M or Facebook. It’s so depressing.

DH is way more content than I am. He feels the home is fine, we don’t need more than we’ve got, no need to buy a new sofa.. ever. Doesn’t care that every wall is a sad off-white.

Today I saw someone had written “your 30’s is like your 20’s, but with money” and I feel like that’s not going to happen for us. Even when our loan is paid, that 600 odd is going to be swallowed by food bills that we can hardly pay for now. We live to the penny every single month with 0 savings. When will it get better? 🫩

Money is very much not your issue. You don't like yourself. Do you know why that is?

Because I don’t have any money, can’t take my kids to nice places, can’t afford to take them on holidays or for a day out.

I can’t afford to feel good. I feel frumpy and sad because I have a huge bust, so my clothes never fit nicely. I have to size up to fit my bust, which makes the arms too long, waist too baggy, shoulders slipping/not sitting nicely. I can’t afford good quality clothes.. let alone new clothes.

everything revolves around money these days; and as much as people say money doesn’t buy happiness. It sure is a lot shitter without it.

Do you think if you had money your negative feelings about yourself would go away?

Honestly ignore that saying OP, there's plenty of broke people of all ages especially with the cost of living. Just focus on getting that loan paid off for now and then maybe set yourself some sort of goal after that.

Yes. 100% 🥲 I know people will disagree. But all of my worries and problems revolve around not having money. Every single one.

I’m actually content with myself. I’m trying to work my way up some form of career ladder. I love my job, but only work part time due to previous burnout as mentioned.. I couldn’t go back to full time yet.. and now until my youngest starts school I can’t really afford childcare to go back to full time. But that’s solvable when he starts school.

The only negativity I have about myself are the fact I can’t afford good quality clothes, and that I can’t afford to give my children quite basic nice things. Im not talking holidays abroad every year.. but a UK break isn’t even affordable these days and I don’t feel like that’s a huge thing to want. Im not interested in being a millionaire. I just want to be comfortable.

I didn't have my shit together until my mid to late 30s and nor did most of the people I know. That was when I got a handle on money, was comfortably back in the black and felt a bit more like I knew what I was doing.

You mention your “sad off-white” house. Why not repaint? Paint is pretty cheap and you can do the work yourself. Start with just one room, paint it a fun jazzy colour, and see whether you like it.

On the more serious money stuff - you’re going through that expensive period when your children are at nursery. When they’re both at school you may feel able to go back to work full time. If you can do that and get that loan paid off, then you’ll potentially be over a thousand pounds a month better off.

I think this is quite a weird take on a post by someone who's using all of their disposable income to pay down debt

I tried to paint my daughter’s room and I was absolutely crap. I used tape, tried to be careful, but paint leaked under the tape, it’s all on the ceiling, it’s patchy. DH told me never to paint again because it’s such a mess🤣

I hope you’re right.

If you’re a normal run of the mill 9-5 family you never have money when you have kids. I earn just shy of six figures and still always scrape around trying to make things work. You need to start appreciating what you have rather than what you don’t.

Any time someones says 'When this external thing happens I'll feel better,' it's a huge red flag. People do it all the time - if I lose the weight I'll feel better, if I have a certain job I'll feel better - and it never works because the person gets what they want and they find that they're still the person they always were.

OP at first glance I think a few things might help you. Try to stop comparing yourself to others - but if you are comparing, be aware that you very much have your shit together - you have a family, a house a partner and a couple of kids. It's not perfect but it's pretty amazing. If you feel guilty about no holidays, don't. Kids don't care (though I'm aware you may want a holiday too, and I get that!). And for the love of god forgive yourself for your earlier bad decisions. We all fuck up when we're young. Be nicer to yourself.

I don't disagree with your overall advice to the OP, but I don't think it does to discount the very real relevance of external realities like substantial debt that needs to be paid off.

Choose paint and DH can do it then!

I mean I’m 37 and early 30s quit my job and went travelling.. and then came back and bought a flat that’s probably too small for the 4 of us

but il not be moving cus we keep saving up and then deciding fuck it lets go on holidays instead which is more enjoyable than a bigger nicer house or furniture which is super boring tbh

really think having more furniture or decorating the house will make life better??

OP you need to stop comparing yourself to those friends. Your reality at the moment is that you’re working part time and have debt to pay off - so you’ll need to accept that for the next while money will be tight.

It won’t be like that forever, but right now things are tough. Try and find joy in the things you do have - a happy home, healthy children etc.

Also, if it makes you feel any better I’m 41 and single and I rent - the chances of me saving enough for a deposit or getting a mortgage by myself are slim to none. Not everybody follows the life script.

Also it's not a linear progression where you cross a finish line and have your shit together for the rest of your life. Plenty of us will go through phases where it feels like everything has gone to shit and some people will be putting on a good front of having their shit together when they don't.

Op you've done a lot in your 20s - you've got married and had a family when many people are still building their career and income. It sounds like you made some decisions financially that haven't served you well, but even so, you have a lot of value in your life. But - and this is a big but - you can't have everything all at once. You can't go back in time and change the decisions that you made, or make different choices to avoid burnout. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by working part time and making a bit of space for your mental health. You'll have lots of years to save up for more expensive home furnishings, at a time when your family needs less from you.

I don't think money or nice things can make your home feel homely, that's more about the emotions of the people in the home and small, personal items like photos, souvenirs etc. Homeliness is not impacted by how expensive the coffee table was. It sounds from you existing debts that you've made the mistake that throwing money at something will make it better/more special...don't make that mistake again.

For the other stuff, money will help. It's rubbish being poor. Anyone who says otherwise is mistaken at best. I don't see any reason why your finances won't improve over the next decade though. Childcare costs will fall, you should be able to increase your working hours and work your way up, DH should be looking to work his way up too. You've learnt your lesson with debt so know better for the future.

Do you use use Martin Lewis's advice for saving money, making sure you're getting the best deal on everything, maximising savings etc?

You don't need lots of money to make a house nice and homely. You do need your own sense of style and a sense of what is beautiful to you. Look in magazines and Pinterest for inspiration then buy everything cheap and secondhand on FB marketplace. Just be patient and take your time, don't compare yourself to others.

You sounds very normal! In my late 20’s we’d just bought our first home which was mostly furnished with charity shops finds, and we didn’t change the builders white paint until we’d already owned for several years. Didn’t have kids until I was 30. I’m 40 next year and haven’t worked in several years and want to retrain but no idea what doing so there is no career path I’m chasing and I feel very infantile because of it.
We have friends in their early 40’s who have just bought shared ownership properties and are only just about to have their second child. We have friends who, early 40’s, have just bought a new home (with a stonking 35 year mortgage), and their monthly payments are so large the only way they will be able to afford the vast work the house needs, is by taking in a lodger. I have friends in their mid-40’s who still rent with no hope of owning, and no ability to pay into a pension.

Sometimes if feels very easy to think you’re ’falling behind’, but in your case you sound like you’re in a really solid position in your life! It does suck having no spare cash, but I think more and more that is incredibly normal in your 30’s. I would say financial stability would come more towards your 50’s these days. Keep plugging away at that debt!

Everyone walks a different path OP and from the sounds of it you have your shit a lot more together than I did at your age...

Regardless I can relate to having debt and feeling swallowed by it. I recommend checking out the debt free wannabe forums on money saving expert. These were immensely helpful to me in sorting my finances and really got me across that line of feeling like I was financially sorted as I finally got control of my money. Of course it takes a while to clear debt, build up savings pay off mortgages etc but understanding the ins and outs and having a clear plan really really helped me.

Good luck <3 I know it's hard to avoid comparing to other people but as PP have said I think it might help you to focus on what you've got (family, a home, etc) rather than what you've not!

Upcycle your current furniture?

But you decided to have two kids despite being in debt and now need a house big enough for you all and took out a loan for your wedding despite being in debt / poor credit from being younger. You’ve made your choices, not sure why you’re moaning as if you’re entitled to more. The choices you’ve made have resulted in your current circumstances. Get your head down, pay off your debt and see where you are in a few years.

No, but there is a reason that not all rich people are happy.
If you can't love yourself and find happiness without money, then you won't find it with money either.

The debt is getting paid off though. OP has recognised their poor spending habits, changed them, and has a strategy to get the debt paid off, despite the burden of young kids and only being able to work part time. Plus her own home and not even 30 yet. It all sounds pretty much the definition of having got her shit together.

I didn't achieve that stage of maturity until I was over 40, and I still don't feel like I have my shit together and I'm nearly 60 😂 in reality I guess I'm doing ok, but I think I will always feel like I'm just winging it.

When we are young we think being an adult will feel all grown up and in control, but sadly no.