Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big gifts for DH but token ones for DD?

32 replies

Fussyeater321 · 26/12/2025 11:38

This is regarding DHs side as my side is the complete opposite.

DD is two and from PIL her main gift (I googled it yesterday as it seemed not fit for purpose and then I saw the generally bad reviews but only cost £20) with a few stocking fillers. You know when MIL has got a ‘bargain’ as she leaves the main price on but peels the sale sticker off. All of DD things had the main price left on. I don’t mind a bargain at all but these are clearly only bought because they ‘must have been a steal’ not with any real thought. All from Primark/George/the works. I’d understand if it was done under the premise she doesn’t really understand/done with thought/to their budget but they make out they spoil her… (they’re extremely comfortable/two cruises a year/worried about inheritance tax kind of budget).

His siblings will also get DD a token gift but spend probably spend a good £50 each other. His Uncle gave DH £60 but again nothing for DD either.

In DHs family they all do ‘lists’ (literally send a page of links for everyone to pick from) and last month DH sent his and DDs. MIL replied straight away that DD was already sorted.

DH has tried to get out of presents/lists but is in far too deep. A lot of what he puts on his lists are just for the sake of it (apparently you can’t put vouchers/things you need...) He has asked for nothing for himself but just for DD but he’s threatened with ‘surprises’ instead.

In the end PIL must have spent at least £250 on DH and DH £80 on them. They keep making comments on how DH must be struggling (no shit, we’ve got a young family we’re trying to prioritise here) as he’s only buying only gift each.

It’s the same on birthdays too.

I do end up feeling resentful how DH ends up with a huge pile of expensive stuff he’s not even fussed about, my family gives us token gifts but buys good gifts for DD and we end up spending a lot of our Christmas budget on DHs family who don’t even appreciate it/feels transactional in DH favour.

OP posts:
MyNeedyLilacBird · 26/12/2025 11:42

I'd just say we won't be joining the gift giving this year. He really just needs to say no to them. Are they even acknowledging you in this scenario? If not they sound like arseholes

SamphiretheTervosaur · 26/12/2025 11:44

Your DH needs to lead this but yes, you need to stop spending money you can ill afford on them

Your DH can choose to.do EXACTLY the same as they are doing

He could phrase like this:

You like to spend all your money on your children giving others less, we like to do the same

bridgetreilly · 26/12/2025 11:48

Your 2yo does not need expensive gifts or, indeed, many gifts. She does not care if it’s from Primark or ASDA. And if DH’s parents want to spend lots of money on their son, why shouldn’t they?

LongBreath · 26/12/2025 11:50

As regards the specific point about your DH’s family spending a lot on adult presents and not much on your two year old, I think that’s fine, as long as the adults involved want to exchange expensive presents. Two year olds are as likely to play with the box. When DS was two he ignored all his expensive, carefully-chosen presents and spent Christmas playing with some wind-up Santas that came in a box of crackers.

If your DH wants out, he needs to use his words.

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2025 11:51

Don't buy presents for others if you can't afford them. Refuse to accept the gifts that others give because it sounds like you don't appreciate what is given either.

Time for you and your DH to take responsibility for breaking the cycle if that's what you both want.

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2025 11:54

They will do their Christmas how they want.

It's for you and your DH to decide whether you want to partake or not.

It really is that simple.

Absolutely no point in moaning about it. In the time it took to write this thread you and DH could have decided to withdraw for future birthdays/Christmases. If you don't withdraw and you carry on then you have to accept the way they do it.

In or out. But not 'in' and moaning about it. No-one likes that guy.

dontmalbeconme · 26/12/2025 12:00

Is your issue that you think your ILs should spend more on your daughter? Because a £20 main gift plus some stocking fillers seems fine to me for a 2 yr old from a grandparent. To expect more is rather grabby.

Your DH needs to set the budget he thinks is appropiate for the presents he buys. His parents will no doubt continue to want to spoil their child with expensive gifts regardless, and why not? Do you really begrudge your DH getting nice things for Christmas? It's a shame your own parents don't want to treat you at Christmas, but that's hardly your ILs fault.

Icecreamisthebest · 26/12/2025 12:02

Many older people have the view that kids have too much stuff and don’t need more.

Moving forward I would have DH give them a list of items for DDthat fall within their chosen budget but which you know she will like. If they do not want to give your DH vouchers then why can’t he come up with things that he does actually need? Yes it may take more work for him but he needs to work with his family taking into account their views. If they like to spend a lot on him why doesn’t he use the opportunity to have them buy him clothes for the year? Would they be willing to give a zoo or farm annual pass or does that fall within the definition of a voucher?

You and DH need to come up with a budget of how much you are willing to spend on his family and stick to it. That is something you can control and his parents will just need to accept that.

Theslummymummy · 26/12/2025 12:05

Voted unreasonable as you sound snobby, oh no not the works, primark and George. Who sits totting up how much has been spent?

Your daughter will probably be treated with more money spent on her gifts when she's older, which I assume you'll be thrilled with.

If you can't afford it, don't spend what you aren't happy spending

Marble10 · 26/12/2025 12:06

A 2 year old isn’t going to know how much was spent or indeed her presents compared to your husbands pile.
I’d be absolutely fine with something £20 for kids. Toys have a limited life span for use , either through boredom or lack or interest or of course if they break.

Quitelikeit · 26/12/2025 12:07

He can easily tell them in September what he wants for DD

Your resentment is palpable btw but also resentment is like drinking your own poison so as the saying goes let it gooooooo, let it gooooooo

nothing to do with you and nothing you can do

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 26/12/2025 12:11

They didn't spend hundreds on your 2 year old who won't even remember and will be happy with Primark, The Works and Asda because she is too young to be a snob?

How awful

Maybe don't go looking at prices

LunchtimeNaps · 26/12/2025 12:20

Dare I ask what you get from them?

I haven't got anything from my DP family and we've been together 15 years with two DC. I couldn't give a toss though.

TheMotherSide · 26/12/2025 12:30

Not buying for family other than spouse and DC, and not expecting gifts from anyone else, has been the best decision all around and I'm glad we made it when DC were tiny. Our total gifting budget now, with two teen DC, is approximately £200, which is manageable. DP and I do small token gifts.

RawBloomers · 26/12/2025 12:37

DH’s family spend a pittance on Christmas gifts for kids under 6ish, not because they value them less but because at that age they are as entranced by £5 quid colouring set as they are by a £50 doll. And they don’t buy things that are needed as, to them, Christmas and birthday gift giving is about having a treat.

Some of that may be a part of what’s going on with your DH’s family. Though it sounds like there might be more to it. How candid is your DH with them about how you’re struggling? Would they help out (outside of Christmas) if they knew?

Original poster
Fussyeater321 · 26/12/2025 12:43

I know it sounds grabby, but what I mean is PIL bought DD a balance bike. Great! But the wheels are quite sticky and I was googling to see if there was a FAQ/what we were doing wrong, that’s when I saw bad reviews/it only cost £20.

If they’re spending £250 on DH, surely they could have at least bought a balance bike for an extra tenner with half decent reviews.

Same with buying clothes from George. Why not buy something that DD is interest in not just because that Spider-Man 2 T-shirt is 70% off with a Halloween water bottle.

It’s the sheer lack of thought/care.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2025 13:01

Yabu.
I love the idea of actually spending on the adult kids, and less (still absolutely loads and to tot it up the way you did us frankly awful) on a 2 year old who a) doesn’t know anyway b) will have loads from Santa/parents anyway.

ThisCalmMauveWriter · 26/12/2025 13:15

You can't complain about people buying Christmas gifts for their own son.

Getting rubbish that will end up in the bin would annoy me, but massive YABU for expecting them to spend a certain amount on a child just because they spend a lot on someone else (which happens to be the dad)

It's not like they spend £250 on one grand-child and £20 on the other

dontmalbeconme · 26/12/2025 13:23

Fussyeater321 · 26/12/2025 12:43

I know it sounds grabby, but what I mean is PIL bought DD a balance bike. Great! But the wheels are quite sticky and I was googling to see if there was a FAQ/what we were doing wrong, that’s when I saw bad reviews/it only cost £20.

If they’re spending £250 on DH, surely they could have at least bought a balance bike for an extra tenner with half decent reviews.

Same with buying clothes from George. Why not buy something that DD is interest in not just because that Spider-Man 2 T-shirt is 70% off with a Halloween water bottle.

It’s the sheer lack of thought/care.

Yeah, that is grabby. Everything else is just distracting backstory, apart from the fact that you don't think they've spent enough on your DD or bought her good enough stuff. Very grabby indeed. A balance bike, some clothes and a water bottle is a pretty decent amount of stuff to get for a 2 year old. How ungrateful you are that you don't recognise that.

Vaxtable · 26/12/2025 13:32

Your Dh sends a message to his family in January saying that as costs are going up from now on he won’t be buying presents for any adults in the family and doesn’t want them to buy anything for him for Christmas or birthday.

JLou08 · 26/12/2025 13:43

Besides from my own DC, I spend more on the adult gifts. Children get plenty from their own parents so I like to be able to treat the parents.

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2025 13:58

I think your post is a bit misleading over prices. You would be better changing it to inappropriate/crap presents for dd - your example of Halloween waterbottle and spiderman t shirt.

I'd take balance bike back and get her a decent lightweight one she will enjoy using. As a bike person id be spending minium of £50 but more on the £100 scale.

Livpool · 26/12/2025 14:27

Vaxtable · 26/12/2025 13:32

Your Dh sends a message to his family in January saying that as costs are going up from now on he won’t be buying presents for any adults in the family and doesn’t want them to buy anything for him for Christmas or birthday.

Maybe he doesn’t want to?

IDidBegin · 26/12/2025 16:08

I don’t get the worry over this. Your daughter literally doesn’t care. I’d leave all the agnst’ing to your DH, it’s his family. Your daughter won’t care what she gets unless you make it into a thing. If you decide to not care about this type of thing then it’s so much easier. You won’t be wasting time feeling angry and resentful.

You do your family and your DH does his. It’s much easier. Be happy that they buy your DH gifts.

Left · 26/12/2025 16:24

If DH doesn’t want to do expensive gift exchanges with his family then now is the perfect time to withdraw.

In a few days he can send messages thanking them for the lovely gift but letting them know that he/you won’t be participating going forward.