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AIBU?

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Original poster

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47 replies

HappyForRainbow · 26/12/2025 11:24

I spent most of Christmas night crying so please be gentle.

I have 3.5 year old DS. He very much likes to be moving, climbing, running etc. Most of our daily life is centered around making sure we get to do that with him - parks, childrens museums, walks etc.

He is generally difficult to do daily activities with though. Things like grocery shopping, sitting at restaurants etc are not easy because he doesnt want to sit in a trolley or seat at a table for an hour and wait for food. He will get wiggly. Try to climb out etc. But he also just runs off if you let him down to walk so not really an option. Even screen time doesnt help for very long in these situations.

Yesterday we had Christmas with DHs relatives. Very nice people but not people we see very often. DS is the only child there, and despite the fact hes invited and everyone says theyre excited for him to come, the day is very much catered to adults (which is fine - their house, their Christmas) A not child proofed house and many adults 'games' where hes expected to sit or be in 1 specific area for sometimes 2 hours while everyone plays cards or cling film balls or that kind of thing.

That on top of the excitement and overall stimulation of the day was just too much. He wasn't 'bad' in terms of breaking things - his behaviour isnt destructive, but he wanted to run around and explore and the house is open plan with all doors open and no stair gates, so no where to keep him confined. He eventually entertained himself in a room where he took books off the bookshelf and stacked them into piles like blocks. He does this at home and I dont mind, hes not hurting anything and easy to put away. The hosts didnt like this game and got annoyed at him. I of course told him to stop, but he went back to that 'game' every second we weren't holding him. And in someone else's house consequences are much harder. We didnt really have support from most of the rest of the family, I think I was hoping for that but I know unfair to expect it.

And part of it isnt even his bad behaviour. It wasn't fair on him for us to expect him to be calm and quiet for that long. There was too much going on for his usual redirection to have any impact for long. So I feel guilty I did that to him too.

I've of course told DH we're not going next year but just overall I do not know how to handle this behaviour. I dont know what's normal and whats him being bad. I dont know how to get him to be calm. I'm really struggling mentally right now.

OP posts:
DecisionTime123 · 26/12/2025 11:27

So just to clarify, you don't feel his behaviour in general is a problem, just on this occasion? Or are you worried about his development? I think it was a big ask for any child to just hang around with a load of adults and not be entertained (did you take lots of toys?) but then on the other hand you say you have this problem in other spaces too and are simply having to manage it? (Edited to ask does he go to nursery and have they said there are any issues?)

Original poster
HappyForRainbow · 26/12/2025 11:48

DecisionTime123 · 26/12/2025 11:27

So just to clarify, you don't feel his behaviour in general is a problem, just on this occasion? Or are you worried about his development? I think it was a big ask for any child to just hang around with a load of adults and not be entertained (did you take lots of toys?) but then on the other hand you say you have this problem in other spaces too and are simply having to manage it? (Edited to ask does he go to nursery and have they said there are any issues?)

Edited

The big 'problem' is just that he won't really ever sit still or stay calm. I'm not sure if to call that bad behaviour because hes not doing anything 'bad' but on the other hand hes being bad by not listening when we ask him to sit down or stay in his seat. He doesnt have tantrums or break things or hit etc, all the traditional 'bad' things. But life feels SO HARD because we can't do any of the normal life things without him ignoring us and running around everywhere.

It was absolutely unfair, I agree. I shouldn't have taken him and won't make the same mistake. I did take him lots of toys and the hosts had bought him some Christmas presents too but they just weren't as interesting to him as running around a new house and playing the 'book game' he wanted but the hosts did not.

He doesn't go to nursery, but he goes to a few classes and library story times and hes usually one of the most active ones there. He will not sit for an entire story without being held, for example.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 26/12/2025 11:58

He’s 3 and a half and is an active child, it was a big ask for him to go to an adult centered Christmas. There’s no way either of my DC would have coped with that, they didn’t even sit through Christmas dinner this year. I would say though that nursery was very good for my active dd and helped prepare her for school reception where they do circle time and phonics lessons sitting down.

mondaytosunday · 26/12/2025 12:12

My son had two speeds- full pelt or asleep. But even he knew how to behave at three and a half depending on the occasion. A full day at someone’s house though - I would find that hard to do let alone a child! Four hours is about my limit. I’d have taken the child out for a walk if you thought he was getting antsy and bored.

ThisCalmMauveWriter · 26/12/2025 12:17

he doesnt want to sit in a trolley or seat at a table for an hour and wait for food

He's not "active", he's a 3.5 year old child! It would be very worrying if he did want to sit still for an hour!

hes expected to sit or be in 1 specific area for sometimes 2 hours while everyone plays cards
that's absolutely nuts, I wouldn't even impose that on a primary school child - and would struggle myself 😂. And at least older ones can read their books and pass the time, but unless they learn to read, what are they expected to do?

What you do with young kids, any normal kids, is tire them out before they have to be quiet - so a long flight, a boring day with relatives, you make them spend as much as energy as possible and you entertain them yourself, don't expect the poor thing to be still for that long.

In a house, it's easier. When the other adults play cards or do some boring activity, you take the child out to kick a ball or something. When it's less boring, you give him toys, screen, you make him help you, you interact with him.

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2025 12:19

You made a mistake with the Christmas plans yesterday. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. Learning in the longer term to stand up for yourself and advocate for him will be a valuable skill so I'd start working on that now. It will feel uncomfortable at first if you're not someone that it comes easy to (which I assume you're not given what happend yesterday).

It's normal for children of this age to struggle to sit for extended periods of time doing something they are not interested in. Running away, being unable to listen or be calm/still ever does indicate there may be more at play, potentially ADHD. If he's going to school in September I would make an effort to get him into nursery/pre-school now so he has time to acclimatise to that sort of environment/they have time to flag any concerns.

ThisCalmMauveWriter · 26/12/2025 12:21

The big 'problem' is just that he won't really ever sit still or stay calm.

how much much physical activity does he do? Does he run everywhere, do you take him on his mini scooter or balance bike for a few hours, spend a couple of hours in the park to kick a ball and run aroung, go swimming.

He's 3.5! They are worst than puppies at that age 😂They NEED to move. It's a good think , you want an active healthy child. I was taking mine out at least half a day every day, ideally more at that age.

Story time is quiet time, it's not an active class to spend energy.

Ignore the posters who will come up saying "kids need to learn to be bored" 😂. They first of all need to be active, boredom can come when you prepare diner and you are home after being out all day, not during the day

LoveSandbanks · 26/12/2025 12:23

I’ve brought up 3 boys (all with adhd) and am firmly of the belief that children pretty much need to be in their own home at Christmas. It’s a very stimulating time and children need to be in a familiar environment with all the new gifts they’ve just opened and the ability to take a break in their own bedroom.

IceIceSlippyIce · 26/12/2025 12:28

I would have (and did) take mine out of the house.
So, they all settle down to play cards (play clingfilm balls??), and I'd head off with the kids for a walk or to the nearest play ground.
A whole day of sitting about making polite conversation to adults is a big ask at that age, especially if they are not the type of child who will sit quietly and colour in (I didn't have that type of child!)

WiltedLettuce · 26/12/2025 12:48

Divide and conquer.

When it became apparent that the day wasn't working for your DS, you and your DH should have split the time so you could each enjoy 50% of it and spend the other 50% taking DS out to the nearest park or playground or generally shepherding him.

That way, at least you both get a bit of a break.

Usually the selfishness of male parents means that this doesn't happen and hence everyone ends up frazzled.

Mumof1andacat · 26/12/2025 12:48

I take it your in the uk? I think it will be good for him to start pre school. I think it might help him understand that sometimes we just have to sit.

TigerRag · 26/12/2025 12:51

What is he expected to do whilst everyone else is sat playing cards for 2 hours?

ThisCalmMauveWriter · 26/12/2025 12:53

Mumof1andacat · 26/12/2025 12:48

I take it your in the uk? I think it will be good for him to start pre school. I think it might help him understand that sometimes we just have to sit.

but they never sit for the sake of sitting in pre-school. They sit because it's a quiet activity, and they're learning or doing something.

Sitting down for hours because you have be quiet while the adults play a boring game and you are 3 years old, you haven't even learn how to read yet?

Comedycook · 26/12/2025 12:55

Sounds standard to me. My ds was exactly the same at that age. Even on Christmas day, I'd take him to the park whatever the weather...but he'd still be running all over the place and bored if he wasn't.

mrsharryohay · 26/12/2025 13:04

I think there is a big difference between sitting for a prolonged period of time in a restaurant and sitting listening to a story.

I have a summer born who will be only just 4 when she starts school and while the curriculum is very much play based in reception they are still expected to sometimes sit, listen to the teacher etc.

BookArt55 · 26/12/2025 13:22

I have 2 kids, eldest boy was constantly on the go, couldn't sit still, your description of Christmas day would have been hell for him... and for my youngest.

Youngest is 3.5, she can sit and colour, and is calmer in the sense she doesn't have to be running around and fully into everything all the time. But no way she could do 2 hours of entertaining herself while the adults played.

Eldest has ADHD. However, what I am trying to say is shopping with my two, even just me abd one of them is impossible unless I give them a job. So I draw pictures of what we want for them to find on their shopping list, I let them sit in the trolley and arrange the food into categories of colour or what they like/dislike, we play eye spy, we talk constantly. It is hard but neither of my kids would cope well with a Christmas day like you have described. And your son did entertain himself, but the hosts didn't like it with the books.

I think on these occasions I now just become the host, th3 kids know the rules at home, they feel safe and have lots to entertain. Maybe next time you host.

Also try going on teaching trips, qhere you aren't actually shopping, it's about getting a system that works for you both.

Original poster
HappyForRainbow · 26/12/2025 13:40

Thank you all. I appreciate the thoughts.

In retrospect I should have found a park or something close by. We did go outside before dinner but their garden isnt fenced and on a road so wasn't safe for long. I put the host family expectations of staying and participating in their games above what was best for DS. I of course had no idea that the plan was so anti-toddler until we got there. I don't think they meant it that way, but maybe forgot what it's like to have toddlers running about, everyone there had no children or older adult children.

Like I said, we are usually very active and going to places DS can be free. I also did of course interact with him and didnt ignore him the whole time. It's just what he wanted to do wasn't really feasible in their house.

Its definitely a lesson learned. I'll try some of these ideas for our daily life. School is definitely a big worry for me. The GP wasn't concerned at his last visit though so I'm not sure.

Thank you.

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 26/12/2025 13:51

Could he have watched a film on lowish volume during the adults' games?

Did he have toys to play with?

The book game sounds a little ND, especially if he seemed obsessive over it.

Dramatic · 26/12/2025 13:56

I do think at 3.5 they can be expected to pretty much sit through dinner, by that I mean they should sit still for the time they are eating. I wouldn't expect them to sit and wait for everyone to finish, but maybe to play quietly nearby.

Sitting for 2+ hours while the adults play cards is a ridiculous expectation for a 3 year old. I wouldn't have even expected that from an older child. However, I wouldn't have let him play with their books, they could be valuable to them and a 3yo could easily damage them without meaning to.

AgnesMcDoo · 26/12/2025 13:57

He’s 3.5 and this sounds mostly normal but keep in mind adhd when he starts school and if it continues push for a diagnosis

somanychristmaslights · 26/12/2025 14:01

What did you bring to keep him entertained? I would have been annoyed if he’d have stacked my books too in case any got bent.

PurpleThistle7 · 26/12/2025 14:08

is there a reason he isn’t in nursery? Just because it would be helpful to see how he compares to other children and to have experienced professionals get to know him.

my daughter was and can be quieter longer, my son (9) never did until this year when he suddenly became a huge reader and can sit and read for hours. But neither can or should just sit around listening to adults talking. Thats unreasonable.

we are spending a week at my in-laws just now (we live abroad) and yesterday the adults chatted and drank and whatever but we got the kids out for a walk and to play football and let them go watch tv in another room for a while. We played a board game and played with their gifts and such. There’s no way they could have just stared at the adults talking all day. So I think you just need to adjust everyone’s expectations - you can go to these things and take turns taking him out, you can go for the meal and head home, you can send one person for the day and meet up later… all sorts of adjustments. But it’s just not really possible for a 3 year old to watch other people chatting for hours.

sorry it was a rough day :(

NovemberMorn · 26/12/2025 14:12

WiltedLettuce · 26/12/2025 12:48

Divide and conquer.

When it became apparent that the day wasn't working for your DS, you and your DH should have split the time so you could each enjoy 50% of it and spend the other 50% taking DS out to the nearest park or playground or generally shepherding him.

That way, at least you both get a bit of a break.

Usually the selfishness of male parents means that this doesn't happen and hence everyone ends up frazzled.

That is exactly what me and my husband did when my hyperactive child was out anywhere.
I don't think we ate a meal in a cafe or restaurant together till son was around three and a half. If visiting relatives we always took Lego, it was the one thing that held his attention for more than 10 minutes.

Castlereagh · 26/12/2025 14:17

Two of mine were like this. You had to run them like dogs before expecting them to be in one room for any length of time. So I had to run to playgroup with them, play football in the park next door and then take them into playgroup. When we went to in laws , I had to constantly take them for a walk and take them to the park, Was very judged by people.

Now those two have been very active and sporty older children who know they need lots of exercise to feel happy. They could do parkrun and a football match in the same day then still go to the gym later. They managed primary school as long as we ran or cycled there or got there early enough to play, and as long as they played out or did sport every day afterwards!

AnneElliott · 26/12/2025 15:26

My DS was like this - best advice I got was to test him like a Labrador and give him 2 long walks a day!

My niece would sit still and colour all day (which my DB thought was evidence of their superior parenting) but DS just didn’t until he was much older. He wouldn’t have coped with a day like you describe so I think you just had to rule stuff like that out until he’s much older and will watch something on TV.

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