Active children

[HappyForRainbow]

I spent most of Christmas night crying so please be gentle.

I have 3.5 year old DS. He very much likes to be moving, climbing, running etc. Most of our daily life is centered around making sure we get to do that with him - parks, childrens museums, walks etc.

He is generally difficult to do daily activities with though. Things like grocery shopping, sitting at restaurants etc are not easy because he doesnt want to sit in a trolley or seat at a table for an hour and wait for food. He will get wiggly. Try to climb out etc. But he also just runs off if you let him down to walk so not really an option. Even screen time doesnt help for very long in these situations.

Yesterday we had Christmas with DHs relatives. Very nice people but not people we see very often. DS is the only child there, and despite the fact hes invited and everyone says theyre excited for him to come, the day is very much catered to adults (which is fine - their house, their Christmas) A not child proofed house and many adults 'games' where hes expected to sit or be in 1 specific area for sometimes 2 hours while everyone plays cards or cling film balls or that kind of thing.

That on top of the excitement and overall stimulation of the day was just too much. He wasn't 'bad' in terms of breaking things - his behaviour isnt destructive, but he wanted to run around and explore and the house is open plan with all doors open and no stair gates, so no where to keep him confined. He eventually entertained himself in a room where he took books off the bookshelf and stacked them into piles like blocks. He does this at home and I dont mind, hes not hurting anything and easy to put away. The hosts didnt like this game and got annoyed at him. I of course told him to stop, but he went back to that 'game' every second we weren't holding him. And in someone else's house consequences are much harder. We didnt really have support from most of the rest of the family, I think I was hoping for that but I know unfair to expect it.

And part of it isnt even his bad behaviour. It wasn't fair on him for us to expect him to be calm and quiet for that long. There was too much going on for his usual redirection to have any impact for long. So I feel guilty I did that to him too.

I've of course told DH we're not going next year but just overall I do not know how to handle this behaviour. I dont know what's normal and whats him being bad. I dont know how to get him to be calm. I'm really struggling mentally right now.

He’s not “active” he’s a normal 3 year old who understandably gets bored. Just out of interest did you take anything with you for him to play with or books to read with him? Games? Take him out for a walk or to a playground if it all got too much? These are both things I would and have done with mine when they’ve been bored out of their minds at other people’s houses.

family gatherings that are more adult centered are fine for a couple hours. You could then nip out to the park for some play time and return for a bit. 3 yr olds are work.

It doesn’t sound like an ideal setup. Did he have any of his toys from home? Could he have watched something for 30 mins? The new Julia Donaldson or something? Or would he not sit for that?

My 3.5yo would have played with her own stuff on and off during the ‘adult’ time, probably tried to join in a bit, required some adult attention on and off, but neither of mine are runners particularly so are fairly easily satisfied with some toys, crafts, some TV time, snack, etc. We would probably have taken it in turns to play with or entertain her when she needed it while the other joined in with the other stuff.

How is his speech and understanding generally? Does he understand when you are telling him not to run etc? Can you have conversations with him about it?

If you’re worried about school then I’d really suggest getting him into nursery as that transition is exactly what nursery at age 3-4 is for. It teaches kids a lot about how things will work in a classroom setting, expectations around sitting and listening for short periods of time.

I had a child who was exactly the same at that age. I remember how stressful it was being around people who didn't understand. How torn I felt at meeting my child's needs whilst also trying to keep the peace with the people who weren't supportive. My child had sensory processing difficulties, and I had to be very aware of triggers and a daily sensory diet. It was exhausting. It got so much better around age 5 and again at age 7.

We home educated, and he's now a successful athlete. All that uncontainable energy is poured into precision in sports and a healthy lifestyle. The only things I ever regretted were when I centred other people's needs, and I'm so glad for all the things I cancelled or avoided to prioritise my child. It's difficult because you didn't plan for or expect your child's needs to conflict with other things, but you're absolutely doing the right thing by prioritising their needs. Don't be sad about not going next year, you'll have plenty of other good experiences and it will get easier.

Perfectly normal for a 3.5 year old boy.
They need lunging at that age, outdoors if at all possible. I would have taken turns with DH to take him out to the nearest park.
I think they should be expected to sit at a table for a meal, but not required to linger after they finish eating as adults might do.

I'm not saying he should have been allowed to play with the books, when they asked him not to I stopped him immediately, as I said. Its a boundary of theirs I respect, just not 1 we have in our house so he was confused.

I took some of his favorite toys, his toy laptop, cars, connect 4, a tablet even, which hes not usually allowed. His absolutely favorite is Playdough but of course didnt take that for him to someone else's house. I had downloaded some of his favorite shows but that doesnt hold his attention as much as a new shiny house with new shiny things to see.

Nursery - we're not in England anymore so he'd only go if we need daycare but he stays home until he starts education. Which is why we take him to a bunch of classes in the week, but I do hate that nursery and school start so late here!

My son is like this, it’s full on! My daughter at the same age didn’t have the same endless energy & need to move! He’s 4.5 now and it’s better. He hasn’t started school yet (we’re in Scotland) so thankfully he still has time for play and movement at nursery. Is your son going to pre school? It may be helpful before school, gives him a chance to get used to the routines and expectations?

Dont beat yourself up, those days are hard and it’s hard when you’re at someone else’s house too. You did your best and next time you’ll do it differently!

Wrong situation for him but things like emptying books off a bookcase are things I’d expect a toddler to do not a 3.5year old! Likewise he should be safe in a house that doesn’t have stairgates. I agree with the PP that nursery / pre-school might do him good.

I think everyone’s expectations are a bit off. You don’t think he can manage to sit through a meal and wait for food, which a 3.5YO should normally be able to do, but yet somehow everyone expected him to entertain himself for 2 hours whilst the adults played cards, which would be a hard ask even for a much older child. You possibly need to be firmer day to day so he knows what is expected from him behaviour wise at a big family meal but at the same time put more effort into entertaining him like if the adults do cards they should have all done a few rounds of uno to include him then DH takes him for a long walk, then you play cars with him etc. etc.

Yes this! DH and I spent years tag teaming like this but it did fail to work at his parents as he would revert to lazy looked after man mode.

I am incredibly grateful to their local council for building a pump track as we had a few good years of sending DH and DD up there on BMXes at first light, so I got my own back!

DD does have ADHD but we didn't know that when she was 3, and anyway, it would be an unusual child able to comply with what the OP describes.

Some families set young children up to fail with inappropriate environments and expectations (and often incompatible expectations on the parents' ability to join in and parent simultaneously.

It's normal range behaviour for a 3 year old and they need space to play safely and understanding that their attention spans are short with little independence.

I agree with this.

Whenever we took ours anywhere when they were that age, the day would include at least one hour out of the house just walking and running in the unlikely event we were nowhere near a park.

Bit odd to let him take things off their shelves, but what I really want to know is what on earth is "play cling film balls" ???

manage to sit through a meal and wait for food, which a 3.5YO should normally be able to do

what kind of 3 yo would just sit patiently waiting for food and during an entire meal? Not any NT child. They can sit and be quiet but you have to keep them entertain!

Preschool would be really good for him to burn off energy and start the process of socialisation in an environment that has lots of peers and rules.

In general though, that day would be very hard for almost all children. Also sounds boring AF for adults too, but that's not what you asked 😅

We are staying with child free relatives this Christmas, I have been taking my oldest out running first thing in the mornings and then both to the playground for extended periods, twice a day. Otherwise things would have gone south rapidly.

True you do need to keep them entertained
by including them in the conversation and having some colouring, toys, books etc. especially if there’s going to be a bit of a wait for food for but 3.5 isn’t a toddler and they should know how to behave at the dinner table. Although today I’ll admit I bribed my 4YO with a go on the carousel after lunch because he wasn’t massively enthused about another long restaurant meal and that seemed to work 🤣 With that age group it’s really all about balance- a family lunch should have been doable, especially if it was at someone’s house so presumably no one sat down until the food was nearly ready, but then everyone should have realised that afterwards he would need to get outside and blow off some steam, and that entertaining himself whilst the adults play cards was unrealistic.

but no one wants to include a 3 year old in adult conversations! That's the parents job, but that doesn't include the entire party. No one but the parents care about young children.

A family meal is doable because it's more or less based around the child, but when invited by friend, it would be awfully rude and so boring to interrupt everyone for the child to express themselves

There's a reason why people have kids tables, for the benefit of both the children and the other adults.

He needs to go to nursery full time. This will
help he’s up all this excess energy and they will also focus it in the right direction! He isn’t a baby anymore and needs to learn he can’t jus behave like this and do what he wants anymore and nursery and in 6-12 months time school will help this but you as
parents need to actually parent him as well!

I referred and still do to my child very similar as a Labrador. He needs a walk a day or some form of physical stimulation before you can even get him to sit still.

We found restaurants are better if we needed to walk to it or drive go on a walk then eat. Supermarkets give them a clip board/ get them involved by getting certain items or asking questions and again we would try to walk to the local shop.

Good luck with your Labrador OP!

I think it's obvious you don't spend a lot of time with other kids and that your family doesn't have other small children in the family. Your 3.5 year old is very normal.

Some are more active than others. I have an almost 2 year old and am amazed by similar aged toddlers who just sit there and colour.

That being said, we have built a number of strategies. We do go out to restaurants about 2x week. But we only order mains, we time it with his lunch or dinner time so he sits and eats with us, we bring sticker books. That lasts about 30 minutes! Then we take turns walking with him outside.

You and DH should have taken turns with him. Your family should have also been more understanding.

The day sounds rubbish for a 3 year old but equally you could probably work on their 'sitting' - I'd expect a 2 year old to listen for the duration of a story. SEND aside, I don't actually think it's about some children being more active than others (which of course some are) but about expectations. You used the word toddler but if you were in England with a 3.5 year old they could be 6 months off starting school.

I have this exact same child. DM me if you feel like chatting about it. My son has just turned 4 and we still can't go anywhere either.

Sounds like it was a hard day! The family expectations were not appropriate for his development. It will get easier as he grows up.