Bad dynamic with Mum - boxing day morning crying

[HettyMeg]

Just want a handhold. Ended up in garden crying first thing Boxing Day. Mum visiting for Christmas, was all going well but Boxing Day morning she starts crying saying I've upset her again by snapping at her. Context is I was showing her a jar of honey, and I said the honey is from X location - she then cut me off and said well that location is in X region - so I snapped "I know, mum!" (first thing in morning when I was knackered) - she then walks away and starts crying. My mum is a very sensitive person who cries and loses her temper easily - lots of unresolved emotional issues just under the surface. I apologised but she wouldnt accept it and said she's used to it and I do it all the time, I'm mean to her. I went in garden to hide my tears from my child.

Feel I'm not allowed to be a person with human reactions - if I have wrong tone, am impatient, harried or even say the wrong thing in a neutral tone I am accused of being cruel - has been going on in various ways over the years - despite fact she snaps at me no end far more often. Have asked husband if he thinks I am mean to her and he thinks my mum is being over sensitive and taking her sadness out on me.

Can't believe this dynamic again.

You sound like a pair of drama queens! Obviously you are far too alike to get on well.

Sounds like you are too similar to your mum and you clash . Both of you crying - seriously need to toughen yourself up a bit .

Well done for getting into the garden for privacy.

You know what she's like, and it's not nice. But it's like having someone chip away at your character. These are her problems, not your problems, because you are allowed to be human and have emotions. However, as she's unable to accept this, perhaps don't share them with her.

You are both as bad, grown women crying over nothing.

This. Surely there must be more background to this. A jar of honey shouldn't warrant this much drama!

Time for mum to go home, clearly staying until Boxing Day is too much for you both.

When is she due to leave, and how is she leaving - does she need a lift or did she drive herself.

Well, if she feels like that she won't need to come for Christmas again. I'd leave her to get on with it.

I can't tell you how liberating it was to make my peace with not being able to please certain relatives, and getting on with my life without them.

My relationship with my Mom could be the same. She's no longer with us and 90% was the best Mom ever, but if I was ever slightly moody or snappy I'd never hear the end of it. 'Everyone else is horrible to me, so you can't do that' and all I was doing was expressing my emotions as a human. Even though she frequently gave the silent treatment and could fly off the handle at anything.

I loved her but it was very tiring. And Christmas could be nice but I was always relieved to have my own space again.

TBH, in your example, it sounds like she was trying to join in by showing that she was aware of the honey's region and you snapped at her when she wasn't correcting you, just contributing.

I'm sorry you're both finding it tough but the good news is that you both seem to keep trying.

Take a deep breath, remember you care about your DM and wade back into the day. Try to smile - it'll make your comments sound more friendly.

Gently, I think the two of you are a bad fit personality-wise so it's always going to be hard. Also, Christmas is a hard time because people put such high expectation on it - a regular weekend or Sunday roast would probably not be so intense and thus fraught.

Tell her straight to stop telling you off because you aren't 5...
Keep eye contact..
If she cries tell her she needs to go home.
I haven't seen my dm since 2000 for similar dramatics.

So when you snap at her it’s entirely justified and understandable, but when she snaps at you it’s her being sensitive and bad tempered? I think your relationship would be in a somewhat better place if you could accept that you’re both playing a role in perpetuating the drama. I‘d possibly feel like crying if I was a guest somewhere and the host bit my head off because of a harmless piece of small talk.

Don’t cry. She sounds very oversensitive and like she has a bit of a victim mentality. Don’t indulge her by continuing to apologise. Once is enough - if she won’t accept it, it sounds like she’s enjoying the attention. As someone who has suffered similar at the hands of my mother over the years, you have to put yourself and your family first. Tell her to snap out of the moodiness and get on with Christmas.
Once she sees that you’re not going to pander to her, she’ll knock the silliness on the head. In a few days normal life will resume and you can go back to a level of contact with her that you are comfortable with. Chin up. 🌺

I have a similar mum. If she gets pissy/butt hurty while she’s here, I just ignore it(to her face , while I moan about it to OH /my friends). I keep going all cheerful and like nothing happened. She can either let it go and get on with it, or keep sulking like an idiot. 99% of the time, she gets over it.

I can't be bothered with "sensitive " people - invariably, "sensitive" actually means manipulative and passive-aggressive. Maybe you need a break from each other.

So much drama over nothing. How exhausting. The dynamic continues because you allow it to. Send her home and have a relaxing day. Job done!

My mother is like this and she has "vulnerable narcissist" traits. I deal with it by ensuring all visits are short!

If you snap at your Mother regularly when she's simply trying to contribute to a conversation, I'm not surprised she's upset.

Gosh. Isn’t that throwing the baby away with the bath water?

You both sound quite reactive. Maybe you shouldn't spend long periods of time together if possible?

I don’t understand how this interaction resulted in two adults crying.

Can you fill in whatever is missing?

You have no idea how damaging and exhausting a dynamic like this can be.

I disagree with this. OP, you are clearly both under too much stress and are setting each other off. Take a deep breath, try to forget it, and plan some therapy. Once you understand what triggers you and why, you can put in place some “calm-down measures” for interacting with your DM in future.
I hope the rest of your holidays goes more peacefully💐

Just tell her when she starts crying to stop or you will take her home

and do it
Shes being manipulative

Crying, really? You both sound as bad as each other.

I would reign in the dramatics or life is going to be incredibly wearing.

You: This is the honey from X.
Her: x is in Y.
You: yes, that's the one.

No tears.

Is your mum unhappy with her life? Are you the most important person in it so she wants and expects more from you than you can sometimes give?

Rather than over reacting & never seeing her again, as is often the MN equivalent of LTB in these situations, it's worth spending a bit of time trying to understand why she might behave this way.

I have found over many years that trying to understand where this kind of thing comes from has made it so much easier to deal with my own parents who can be tricky.

You say you were tired so that's why you reacted or is there more about your own reaction to contemplate too?