Bad dynamic with Mum - boxing day morning crying

[HettyMeg]

Just want a handhold. Ended up in garden crying first thing Boxing Day. Mum visiting for Christmas, was all going well but Boxing Day morning she starts crying saying I've upset her again by snapping at her. Context is I was showing her a jar of honey, and I said the honey is from X location - she then cut me off and said well that location is in X region - so I snapped "I know, mum!" (first thing in morning when I was knackered) - she then walks away and starts crying. My mum is a very sensitive person who cries and loses her temper easily - lots of unresolved emotional issues just under the surface. I apologised but she wouldnt accept it and said she's used to it and I do it all the time, I'm mean to her. I went in garden to hide my tears from my child.

Feel I'm not allowed to be a person with human reactions - if I have wrong tone, am impatient, harried or even say the wrong thing in a neutral tone I am accused of being cruel - has been going on in various ways over the years - despite fact she snaps at me no end far more often. Have asked husband if he thinks I am mean to her and he thinks my mum is being over sensitive and taking her sadness out on me.

Can't believe this dynamic again.

You sound like my sister and my mother, I just want to knock there heads together occasionally and tell them to grow up

Well, you did snap at her over something inconsequential and unnecessary. That's not just being human, we all have to temper our reactions (if I snapped at my elderly deaf mum every time she irritated me, I'd never stop!)

Take a deep breath and carry on with your day, ignore if she's in a mood or sulking. You've apologised and that's all you can do. Try not to rehash over old ground (she's always like this etc...) and just move on. Being cooped up at Christmas together means we can get on each others nerves! Find a bit of space in your day to decompress - even just a walk round the block in the cold air can blow away the cobwebs 💐

Yep, I don't get the need to make it a thing.

Yeah, the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree 🙈

You both sound like a pair of hyper-reactive types. My mum and sister are like this. They clash because they’re so similar.

But op isn't snapping about the honey, she's snapping because of what the interaction represents and it whizzes her back to her childhood and she has reacted before she has had chance to stop herself.

Op it's really hard and you end up looking like a right twat who has "made an old lady cry". Have you read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson? It's a good book and may resonate. Short periods of time with her is also a tactic. I had three hours with mine yesterday (her choice she could have been here longer) and I feel ill today.

You both sound dramatic and oversensitive.

Thanks to those who have understood.

You both sound insufferably dramatic. It seems that you both behave in similar ways but you excuse your behaviour and demonise hers. Perhaps you just don't gel.

Pair of you need to grow up

Your DM is an exaggerator with a natural way of manipulating you. I say natural way because she’ll always deny and be shocked to hear that’s she’s manipulating you. But her exaggeration does is exactly that!

Take for instance today’s situation. Okay, you may or may not have upset her. But, when you speak to your DC mum about it, she answers with ‘she's used to it and you do it all the time, you’re mean to her.

Exaggerated to make you feel absolutely terrible about a ‘nonsense situation’. This exaggeration makes you upset, then you’ll be her ‘puppet’ once again to dance to her merry tune - because you fear to upset her again.

But if you do…. the cycle repeats.

She’s not overly sensitive. She has you exactly where she wants you, under her control.

Exaggeration in this instance = Emotional abuse. Manipulation.

Of course you are correct, but I sympathise with OP being irritated by being told things I already know. Don't know why it's so maddening. I'm going to practice saying 'Yes, that's the one' whenever it happens!

Me and my mum sometimes snap at each other like this but we resolve it by finding each other 5 minutes later and saying sorry I snapped I’m tired and then hug.

Sorry this happened OP, and am also sorry that you have had so many harsh replies.

My DM and I have a similar dynamic. I don’t know why she sets me off so easily, but she does! And vice versa! Sometimes I feel like it’s because she is taking over things I am doing or dishing out too much advice, but other times it is really minor annoyances, that somehow seem magnified in the moment.

No advice, just solidarity!

This used to be me and my mum. My mum is extremely over sensitive. I have learnt to mostly ignore it now, she usually gets over herself eventually. At Christmas dinner my 10 year old daughter said something she didn’t like and she got all huffy and upset and basically didn’t speak for the rest of the meal. I literally can’t be doing with her getting upset at every tiny thing, that’s her problem. And the amount of looks I get shot my way when the kids say something she doesn’t like and she doesn’t like how I’ve dealt with it. Again, ignore!!