Don't want him at my scan

[thesa]

I'm pregnant, it was an accident. I wasnt sure about keeping it, I wanted to, but partner told me he didnt and I didnt want to make him unhappy.

Eventually I decided I had to do what was best for me, we broke up for about a week, over it, but then started seeing each other again and he wanted to figure stuff out.

Things were going well between us, but he wouldnt engage with baby. Things have now come to ahead again and we've said things are over.

I have a scan in a couple of weeks and said I dont want him coming. Honestly its not malicious, I want time to be able to handle the break-up and get control over myself again.

He's said I'm trying to shut him out and he should be there.

I don't understand how if we broke up because of the baby he wants to be at the scan. If it was 6 weeks away or something, maybe, but its 2 and I just need time. I also have midwife appointments and he isnt interested in those.

What does 'engage with baby' mean? And why would he go to your midwife appointments?
You admit the baby was unplanned. You are only a few weeks pregnant, clearly you are really pleased about the baby but give him chance to get his head round it and stop expecting him to be jumping for joy just yet.

My dh and I really really wanted dd. I don't think dh was that into the baby until she arrived. The midwife appointments are for you so can totally see why he not going to those. He honestly the best dad in the world but struggled with the baby is being inside me and tbh so did I. Dh attended the important scans only and was amazing during the actual birth. Give your partner time to take this is it is early days. First important scan is 12 weeks. What do you mean by not engage with the baby. Congratulations x

Im 17 weeks, this isnt the first scan. He wont talk about the pregnancy or baby at all.

I guess it depends if you want him in your life or not. If you've decided not, then absolutely don't have him at the scan.
If you want him to be part of your life or part of DC's life, then it will probably help him to bond/engage if he is there.

Whether or not you resume the relationship, you’re having a baby with this man, and he’ll always be in your life — you need to find some way of coming to terms with that.

You are not being unreasonable. While you are pregnant, you can make all the decisions and you certainly don't have to let him come to your scans or be present at the birth.

Once the baby has been born, he will have some parental rights if he wants to exercise them, but at the momeht, he doesn't have any rights regarding your pregnancy and the birth of your baby. As you aren't married, you don't need to put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his last name.

Just for context I don't remember my DH attending any of my scans or appointments even when there were issues with the pregnancy. It was just not worth getting time off work, or he was needed to look after the other DC.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You don’t have to invite him along to any of your medical appointments nor the birth if you aren’t comfortable with him being there. Yes, he is the father, and you both will have responsibilities when the baby is born, but until then this pregnancy is yours and you need to be thinking about what is best for you and baby, not him.

That said, if you want him to be an active parent it might be wise to compromise in some areas if it won’t impact your comfortability. You want to start the coparenting relationship off right!

It's your health appointment and he has absolutely no right to be there unless you want him to be.

These are your medial appointments and you do not have to have anyone there that you don’t want to be there.

The relationship is over, focus on you and your pregnancy. Let him know clearly and directly that the relationship is over and you will keep him up to date with all things to do with the baby, he just doesn’t get to attend appointments.

Don’t fall into a routine of arguing with him or going over the past. You’ve decided it’s over and you need to move onto the next phase of your relationship which is being joint parents.

Try and respond to his messages as if you were in a professional work environment, take a second to gather yourself before responding to each message so you can take the emotion out of your response.

It’s up to you he’s had 17 weeks to get his head sorted and still won’t talk about it. So really he has made his choice, he’s not interested and doesn’t want the baby so no he doesn’t get to go, and you have done the right thing by splitting

I suspect someone, whether his mother or a friend, has told him he needs to get a grip etc and that's why he is saying he should be at the scan.
Does he actually want to be there, or does he feel that he should be? Very different things.
I would think about whether this is an insight into how he's going to be when the baby is here. He may well blow hot and cold depending on who is bending his ear about things.

Your body, your medical appointment, your choice. You can send him a copy if he is interested.

It's first and foremost a medical appointment. You should only have people there if that's what you want.

It's your body and your choice. He can see the pictures of the baby after the scan if he is interested.

If you've broken up for good, then no, he has no place being at the scan. It's not an 'event', it's a medical appointment. If he's genuinely interested in the ongoing welfare of the foetus that will be his child, then you can send/show him pictures.
Best wishes to you and your baby, and I hope things work out well.

But he has been saying the reason for the break up is that he doesn't want to be in baby's life for one. The other thing is I dont want to shut him out- but I want more than 2 weeks to come to terms with what is happening before I have to see him again.

Well he's said he wants to be with me, but not have the baby, and the baby is happening- so I can't see how we would get back together unless he changes his mind.

Your medical appointment. Your body.

it’s not a public event.

you have only whom you want there.

you might like to give him a copy of the picture if he is interested - but you are not obligated to.

don’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to

your body - your birth - your decision.

On that note I’d stop engaging with him

Then no need to be at the scan of the baby he doesn’t want

What am i reading....

Stop shagging / messaging/ "having a relationship with him".

Pour your energy into yourself and the baby you are about to have totally unsupported....

Presumably this is your first child... not to be negative asy kids are the best thing to happen to me... but I had a husband and my mum and newborn phase was one of the hardest periods of my life.

Go to the scan alone.... he is just headwrecking you with this BS

You are about to be a mother you dont have time for this clown....

@thesa the scan is your medical appointment and he has no right to be there or at any appointments nor the birth.
However if he is going to be an involved parent he will need to bond with your dc and that for the 1st 3 months will need to be little and often (an hour or so every couple of days) at your home with you in the home but not necessarily in the same room and then over the next few months building up that time until he can take dc out for a couple of hours without you, and then slowly building up to whole days, overnights shouldn't happen until dc is atleast a year old.
You need to find a way for you to be ok with that and ti be firm with him on those boundaries ie no taking a new born away from its mum to visit his family/friends/new partner and him not bringing anyone to your home to "help" him parent at all and only bringing agreed people at agreed times to meet dc.
You also have to think about whether to put him on the birth certificate or not (assuming that he wants on it) if you think that he will be awkward or difficult about you holding to the reasonable boundaries of not separating a new born from its mum or not having overnight visits until atleast 1 year old (which are in the best interest of the baby) then dont put him on the birth certificate, let him take you to crt to gain parental responsibilities. As long as you've offered sensible contact hes not going to get more contact than you have offered. The courts tend to look very unfavourable on men trying to demand full days out or overnight access to a child under 12 months, and without having spent the time with mum in the house to build up that necessary bond because they aren't putting the child's needs 1st.
Right now you need to prioritise your mental and physical health and if that means excluding him from your baby related medical appointments and even the delivery then do so, but you will need to talk to him about the future and find a way to co-parent amicably (if possible) for the next 18 years

Please don't take him back. I can pretty much guarantee you that he will just bring you difficulties that you don't need to invite into your life. If he becomes interested in parenting, you can see how that goes, but to my mind, he's already demonstrated that he is not 'partner material'.

Given his attitude to the baby I wouldn't want him at the scan and I would be dubious about his motives for saying he wants to be there.
Given what he has said about wanting to be with you but not with your child I would end the relationship. Plan your life according to what is best for you and your child and only expect him to contribute financially.