Don't want him at my scan

[thesa]

I'm pregnant, it was an accident. I wasnt sure about keeping it, I wanted to, but partner told me he didnt and I didnt want to make him unhappy.

Eventually I decided I had to do what was best for me, we broke up for about a week, over it, but then started seeing each other again and he wanted to figure stuff out.

Things were going well between us, but he wouldnt engage with baby. Things have now come to ahead again and we've said things are over.

I have a scan in a couple of weeks and said I dont want him coming. Honestly its not malicious, I want time to be able to handle the break-up and get control over myself again.

He's said I'm trying to shut him out and he should be there.

I don't understand how if we broke up because of the baby he wants to be at the scan. If it was 6 weeks away or something, maybe, but its 2 and I just need time. I also have midwife appointments and he isnt interested in those.

If he doesn't want the baby, why does he want to be at the scan? It's totally your choice whether to have him there or not, I'd say not if its going to make you stressed and upset. You can always get an extra scan picture for him.

Stop thinking about what he wants and is requesting and think about what you want.

Hes messed you about and disrespected you and you can’t trust him to be consistent.

Move forward not being in a relationship, expecting to do this alone and tell him he will be given all info about the baby but he needs to respect that it’s your decision not to have him at the medial appointments.

I would let him personally. It might give more chance of him bonding quickly with the baby being involved at this stage.
However that being said, its your medical appointment and completely your choice, so if it would ruin it for you or cause too much stress thats completely your decision to make.

No do not let him at the scan OR the other appointments and definately NOT at the birth. Its your body not his.

He’s an arse. Time is ticking - I’d be thinking very carefully about being tied to him for the next 18+ years, especially if you’re young.

How does someone get pregnant by accident, with all the contraception we have now.

How does a man be so selfish he dosent want to coparent. Has he no respect to the unborn child?

And yet he wants to be at the scan? That’s engagement of a sort isn’t it?

I've tried to get him to bond or be interested for 15 weeks. Its been 13 weeks since he came back of uncertainty. The last conersation we had was he wanted to continue the relationship but only if I got rid of the baby. And we broke up at that, I dont really think its him trying to bond- I think its a mind fuck to be honest and him trying to convince me that I want to be with him enough that I will have a termination .

Estimates put 40-50% of pregnancies in the USA as accidental. And that is not untypical. Pills fail, condoms split or slip. If you want a biology lesson I can send you some links

I’m not sure why you’re engaging with him at all. He’s made his decision, so have you. Tell him when the baby is born but you owe him nothing beyond that. Don’t compromise on anything (including the baby’s names) because he will quite happily get you to compromise and still walk away.

If it were me ( importantly it’s not, it’s you) I would let him come to the scan, as he has asked, in the hope it would make the situation real for him and maybe give him the kick up the arse he so clearly needs. It’s all a bit abstract for men at the beginning, very different for women who are actually carrying the baby. If he’s still being a dick afterwards then I would distance myself with as clean a break as I could and focus on myself and the baby.

It doesn’t make any sense. If he doesn’t want you to have the baby why would he want to see the baby at a scan? Is he planning to sit beside you, watch it wiggling around in your uterus and tell you it shouldn’t exist? Does he not realise how odd it sounds?

If you want him to be involved, then why not encourage him by inviting him to the scan? If you don’t want him around, that’s ok too, it’s your body, your medical appointment.
It sounds as if he is trying to engage, isn’t that why he wants to come to the scan?
This is a long term thing, best to try to make decisions based on how you want things to be going forward.

So you're already 20 or so weeks i wouldnt think hed be trying to persuade you to terminate at this point?

Its very different to earlier stage conversations about the decision. At this point hes presumably accepted there will be a baby and wants to be involved if hes asking to come to the scan.

I feel sorry for the baby, having parents like you to.

This
He is the baby's father and is probably shaken by everything.
You need to give him and the relationship a chance

Nope, it’s your medical appointment, no one else has any right to be there if not specifically invited by you, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to have anyone else present. A man who doesn’t want to be a father isn’t going to bond with a child through a computer screen.