Family discussion on parenting has me totally confused

[OrangeChips1]

A and B are siblings
C is married to B

A&Bs parents were fairly strict around things like sugar, crisps, screen time.

C really appreciates the impact this has had on B.
C had completely unrestricted access to sweets, crisps, screens etc and when he was older alcohol too.
He thinks this makes it much harder for him to regulate as an adult, his nervous system being used to and looking for the "highs".
C wishes he'd had more boundaries as a child like B did.

But speaking to A, it turns out the same parenting had the opposite impact, and when A became an adult he overindulged in sugary drinks, computer games etc until he realised for himself 10-15 years later the impact it was having on his health.

B didn't ever feel overly restricted and understood the reasons why the rules were in place, and was never particularly bothered by sweets/screens etc as an adult, but clearly A did feel overly restricted and rebelled.

It just made me totally confused about what the right thing to do is as parents! Ultimately made me realise that no matter how we are parented, there are some things that we just need to take responsibility for as adults and on the flip side we can't look to our parenting as a way of trying to mitigate every pain point or self reflection a child might have to do in the future. It made all the thinking we did around sleep training vs co sleeping , nursery vs SAHM etc etc seem a bit pointless, and ultimately "we probably messed something up so here are some skills on how to find resources to help yourself" is the most helpful thing.

Some people naturally have more regulation than others.

Generally the middle ground of age appropriate boundaries (e.g. alcohol), and not going to extremes (either of denial or abundance) is a sensible place to aim for.

One size clearly doesn’t fit all, I think that’s the only conclusion you can draw.

Plus whatever you do, your kids will say you did it wrong!!

I think this is a good example of why this is a parenting minefield with no simple answer.

It's easy to forget that it isn't just about the rules we do or don't set as parents. It's also about the personalities of the children, and it's very difficult to predict what the outcome will be potentially years later.

We have three DC and were consistently and moderately strict with sweets, screen time etc when they were young. The result is one child with strong self regulation (possibly too much), one 'normal' child, and one with absolutely no self regulation at all around food to the extent it is a real problem. I don't know how much of this DCs behaviour is a result of the limits we set (which certainly weren't overly restrictive) and how much was inevitable, but it's something I look back and wonder about. I don't have an answer though!

I think all we can do is take a sensible middle ground and hope for the best.

OP: Ultimately made me realise that no matter how we are parented, there are some things that we just need to take responsibility for as adults and on the flip side we can't look to our parenting as a way of trying to mitigate every pain point or self reflection a child might have to do in the future.

This is very wise, I think. No matter how hard you try, you can't 100% guarantee the ideal outcome. We can only do our best.

I had a friend at school who was brought up in a lovely innocent way and actually had a nervous breakdown at uni because the freedom was such a shock to her . I always think of that when making decisions about my DSs and DGC. Unfortunately we have to bring them up to cope in the world we live in . Its very difficult to get it right . Not a very helpful response I know but I just wanted to agree really with how difficult it is to pitch it right .

At the risk of bringing ND into everything, the two close friends I have who have had trouble with binge-eating and other addictions have been diagnosed in adulthood with ADHD. I'm not sure different parenting strategies would necessarily have helped the underlying predisposition to addiction, though of course stricter boundaries might have increased the chance of reaching adulthood with healthy habits. They may also have pushed the issue underground or ruined the parent-child relationship so hard to know.

Was A the first child? I’d expect from your description that A was the first and the parents hadn’t got the balance down right yet, resulting in A not knowing how to handle it when he was an adult and didn’t have someone regulating on his behalf. When B came along, perhaps they’d worked out a more healthy way of limiting excess whilst also explaining why they were doing it.

I once watched a programme about survivors of a natural disaster that had eradicated their homes. One sibling had become hugely sentimental over their material possessions as they had lost everything up to a certain point in their lives, and the other owned almost nothing and placed no value on items that she knew could disappear in an instant.

Sometimes parenting is just keeping them safe while they work out who they are.

Neither, what your parents do and don’t let you do has little to do with how much impulse control you have as an adult. That’s much more down to individual personality, trauma and then poor coping mechanisms, and innate brain chemistry.

I had a childhood with no boundaries or restrictions on anything. I grew up very self-contained, independent, with excellent will power, but a good deal of trauma from the lack of healthy boundaries. In my teens and early 20s, I didn’t drink, have never done drugs, healthy relationship with food, etc. In middle adult years, I developed a drinking problem, nothing to do with whether my parents allowed sweets and alcohol and screen time, but totally to do with unresolved trauma.

It’s not that I couldn’t say no to a drink. I didn’t want to. I drank heavily until one day I decided I wouldn’t anymore. And I stopped. I’ve never had a drink again. Have no trouble saying no to sweets, still never smoked, never did drugs, healthy relationship with food. I have a lot of willpower. My Dh who had a lot more boundaries than me as a child, but struggles with impulse control, will power, will eat loads of sweets, can’t do dry January, always eating too much, then committing to an exercise regime and getting bored after a week.

He is innately not self-regulated. I am. That’s just how we are.

i completely agree with what you wrote op.

the other complicating factor is that we all define “everything in moderation” differently, which seems to be the prevailing mantra these days. Many families will say that cake or chocolate once a week is moderate, but to me that is normalising unhealthy eating as part of your routine. so even if you agree with something in concept, in practice you may have totally different approaches!

It shows that some people will always look to blame others rather than accept responsibility for their adult behaviours and parents can’t win no matter what they do.

This.

There is no right or wrong way to parent. You have to adapt to what works for the DC you actually have. That is what makes it all so difficult. You might be a perfect parent to one DC, then the next one needs a completely different approach. The best parents are the ones that can flex and adapt.

The only parenting strategy worth any salt imho is example. And so we are most likely to fail at it. But we keep trying and failing. And that has to do.

We as parents have to live the way we want our dc to live and put boundaries, limits and balances on ourselves. How we eat, what we tolerate in our relationships, how we behave towards others, whether we are kind, consistent, resilient, brave, our work life balance, our priorities, what we eat, how we manage friendships, our home, whether we exercise or not.

The dc are not only watching; they are absorbing our patterns and habits in to their very souls. The sad reality is that most of us are hypocrites. 😄

As long as our children feel loved, seen and are able develop their natural talents, they might forgive us eventually 😄

Being extreme in your parenting is often going to cause extreme reactions in the children, whether you go over-restrictive or over-permissive.

When it comes to food and alcohol, I think there is enough science out there to provide good guidance, and then you can adapt to your children and their ability to self-regulate.
Your body/taste buds will build a tolerance to alcohol/sugar, so the earlier children get exposed to it (particularly in large quantities), the more likely it is they'll be able to consume it in large amounts as adults. Plus obviously lifestyle habits are hard to break so we're trying to teach our children what the "right balance" is.

But even though my kids are still really young, I know the challenges will be very different for my daughter and my son as they grow up. One has no issue self-regulating (like my husband), and the other would eat sugar and snacks all day long if we let them (like me). We'll have to do what we think is best based our learnings and experience, and hope they learn for themselves later in life.

I agree with the argument for moderation.

I also think it's worth remembering that A and B didn't have the same childhood, even though they had the same parents and lots of shared experiences. It could well be that B's experience was (for whatever reason) quite different from A's. Lots of reasons why.

Perhaps B is the older child and B's parents had more time to explain calmly about screen time/sweets, so B never felt restricted, whereas with A it was 'that's it! No sweets!' Or perhaps A is the older child, so felt the brunt of all parental strictness, while B found it all rather calmer and simply accepted that these were the house rules and it was all fine.

Perhaps B is naturally not very interested in sweet things and never would have been.

Perhaps, also, A and B's parents simply responded better to one of their children than the other - and this can certainly happen.

I think all you can do as a parent is try to figure out what your child needs and wants. Your child isn't you, or your sibling, or your partner. If you pay attention to how they are, you can get a sense of what boundaries they need and what sorts of things they need to learn to self-regulate.

It depends on the child more than the parenting.

We were quite regulated. Chocolate was for Sundays (3 pieces), crisps a treat, bought cakes almost never (occasionally one Danish pasty shared between 5 as a treat), fizzy drinks only at Christmas and New Year, sweets was one small packet for holidays....
My younger sibling hardly ever eats these things themselves. Probably would refuse even if offered.
I crave these things now, and find it very hard to regulate. I have currently within my reach: One can of (zero) cola, one packet of pringles, 2 bags of sweet, one packet of chocolate biscuits, packet of nuts... I will quite happily nibble on these all day.

My dc (now adult) I didn't restrict much.
Two of my dc regulate themselves. The oldest doesn't even like fizzy drinks now, mostly drinks water, and would hardly eat sweets. Quite likes a bit of chocolate, but not to excess. Other one likes a fizzy drink, but not more than one, and would really rather have a plate of salad than a box of chocolates.
The other one has a restricted diet due to medication (can't have fizzy!) but would, like me, live on snacks of chocolate and sweet things quite happily.

I suspect that if I'd been bought up on excess, I'd still crave the sweet things and blame my parents for not regulating, and if I'd bought my children up on restrictions I'd still have two who regulate themselves and one who craves them.

I had 'the same' upbringing as my siblings. In reality, it was very different. My father viewed me as my mother's responsibility and was only interested in my brothers, but it was never in your face obvious. For example, he privately educated my brothers; my maternal grandmother paid for mine. So on the face of it, we got the same, but in reality we didn't.

Even in death he is still dividing us - bequests to my brothers, but the things he has left for me were not his to give; they are mum's so I will get nothing unless she chooses to give me anything.

My brothers see him as having been a kind and benevolent father/grandfather and cannot recognise how different my experience of superficially identical parenting has been.

Where one sits in the birth order, and the sexes of children also impacts regardless of whether one of your parents is an arsehole or not.

People have characteristics that have nothing to do with their parentings. Nature will win out over nurture. Unless abusive, kids become what they become.
My cousins live in a ‘no sugar’ house. One if them loves sweets and has battled his weight all his life. His sister had no issue at all and can enjoy sweet things but can as easily say no.
We were not allowed TV during the week or at all in the summer. Of the three of us I’ve watched no tv, one a bit, one most evenings. In fact my sisters and I are very different in our lifestyles, as are my two kids.
So for parenting, I’d be firm but fair. Have a routine from day one in terms of bedtime. Make your rules grounded in common sense. And listen to your kids. I mean really listen. Don’t assume you know what they are feeling and don’t expect them to feel a certain way or the same way you do. Respect that their feelings, emotions, worries are as valid as yours. Yes you are the adult and make the rules, but listen to what they need to tell you.

The right thing to do is to parent the child you have. My DD would be bored to tears with the kind of upbringing my DNieces had, but it was right for them, and she's a totally different child.

My own parents were a bit overly focused on treating me and DSis exactly the same, which was problematic at times.

B was the oldest, but perhaps they had more time to explain stuff when they only had one to look after

Oh that's really interesting. Reminds me of this story
https://biggsuccess.com/2008/06/11/1-father-2-sons-3-lessons-for-all-of-us/?srsltid=AfmBOope4h6--b_r1Bt9FssPoeJAqeDCiSq0293ZEXrpnUpLtwhtcxN2

Good point. I wonder how you can tell it's "not working" for one of the kids though..I only have one DC so not sure how obvious it would be

That's a good point re example! A and Bs parents are regulated themselves, they can receive a box of chocolates and it's still sitting there uneaten 6 months later! But there is a lot of trauma in the family in general which may play a part in the binging as @mindutopia mentioned

Good point re getting sugar tolerance. The first time B started having surgary drinks (even fruit juice) it made her high!