I just can’t deal with my dad.

[Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad]

I just don’t know what to do about my dad. I just have no solution.

He’s late 80’s but in good health. However he gets upset stomachs and IBS (not diagnosed but I think it is). He lives alone. He eats crap. In his room here there are endless cans of coke, crisps, chocolate bars, biscuits that he has binged on.

Last year he had some health scares and we tried to get him to move out of his house, into something more manageable, with lots of people around him. He absolutely refuses, but then constantly moans that we aren’t cleaning, gardening or maintaining his house for him.

Anyway, he has come to stay with me for Christmas, and he’s not feeling great. He’s gone to bed at 9.pm, got up at 1100 and just complained the rest of the time and been irritable. We waited till 1000 to open presents with him then he said he wasn’t getting up.

On one hand I feel bad as he’s elderly and not feeling well. On the other, our Christmas fell flat like a pancake because he just brought the atmosphere down. Today will be a repeat.

Last year was a shocker. We lost a young beloved family member (not my dad’s relative) and my dad’s attitude just really annoys me.

He spent all day yesterday calling up his friends and other relatives moaning about his ailments and about us (siblings and I).

He has his phone on speaker and he called someone up, told them he had been put in a rubbish bedroom (double bed with en-suite!), basically said he didn’t really want to be here, complained about my sibling who does loads for him, and I heard the other caller refer to me as “she” (say with venomous tone) and why didn’t I do this, or that for him. I felt like walking in and saying “why are you slagging me off?”, but I actually was past caring.

My dad has had a really great, privileged (spare cash, loads of love, married a few times and relatives in abundance) life, but he’s turned into a snarky, bitter, miserable man who is causing us all a lot of stress.

Usually when you have a problem, there is a solution you can work towards. I just don’t see one here. I’m stumped. His stubbornness to help himself, and his constant complaining is wearing me down.

Also, again, I’m coming across as horrible. Why does he just constantly talk about his minor ailments? He doesn’t have anything big wrong with him. Why do I need to hear for hours on end about a stiff shoulder, itchy penis, dehydrated urine, sore toe, slightly blocked nose (must go the doctor), cholesterol levels. Then when it’s not about him it’s about Dave, Margaret or Betty who had to go to the doctor. It’s constant negative health talk and I'm exhausted from it.

It sounds normal to me TBH. I refused to clean/cook for my dad as he refused to move from his big house. But he was happy there until he died. Dying in his own home was the only thing he wanted.
To get through it I had things in mind to chat about when he started moaning. I’d move the conversation away from it, and once it started to get unbearable I’d leave.

Sympathies OP. Had my mid 80s dad staying and while he’s not as bad as yours, he’s sent me slightly potty. Talking about ailments, repeating the same old stories…. Sadly it’s normal. Deep breaths…. Good luck.

This is the notice I saw at a psychiatrist's office when I came to discuss care needs of one of my relatives,

"Change what you can change. Accept what you can't. And be wise enough to know the difference between the two".

Also, from my experience, people adjust their behaviour based on our reactions.

I do appreciate there are no easy solutions in your situation

I hope it helps

OK, perhaps that’s what I need to understand. That it’s normal for some elderly people to do this.

I think my attitude doesn’t help. My mum died really young (as did some of my other relative's) and I am grateful that I have good health (touch wood) and don’t take life for granted. He just complains about his lot all the time.

Apparently he shouted at my sibling who drove him to mine and said “I’m sick of the lot of you”, and said he wish he’d turned around and just gone back home. When I spoke to my sibling they were really shaken and upset.

I’ve got other relatives coming over today. It should be a day of fun and laughter.

I really hope it doesn’t become a new, fresh set of ears for him to offload his ailments to.

I can’t do this next year. I just can’t. I’m also angry that he was slagging me off to other relatives coming. He bad mouths us around the family and his friends and neighbours. One neighbour told me that another neighbour wanted my number to call me up and tell me off for neglecting him.

Maybe accept he hates not being in his own place with his peace and his snacks. He doesn’t have the faculties to be reasonable about his feelings so lashes out by whining.

He sounds like hard work. Not surprised he worked his way though several marriages.

What would happen if you called his bluff and agreed to leave him alone next year?

Do you need the inheritance or can you just stop Catering to him?

I think it sounds like fairly standard elderly relative behaviour tbh. In my experience older people become a) a distillation of themselves so what ever traits they have just become more pronounced and b) talk about their health a lot. I think that's because of worrying about themselves. They don't have huge numbers of interests and focus a lot on how they feel probably because they spend a lot of time worrying about how they feel. Someone already mentioned it but have a list of topics that you can divert him with. If that fails just agree with him and just carry on with what you are doing. I also have a list of topics I don't talk to my mum about because I don't agree with her and we used to get into huge arguments so if I think a conversation is heading that way I just say I'm not discussing x, y or z mum. And we move on. Good luck OP.

Last year he said he wasn’t going to any of our houses, despite all inviting him. He then told anyone who’d listen that he had nowhere to go.

On Christmas Day he got a call (he’ll talk to me, whilst answering other phone) from a neighbour saying “I can’t bare to think of you all alone, come over for lunch”. And another invite from another neighbour. In the end he went to a friends.

This year we did put a bit of pressure on him because he upset us with the above last years drama.

Next year I’m just going to leave him to it.

He sounds unbearable. At least you have siblings to share the unpleasantness with. Maybe he stays at home next year if that's what he prefers? Don't put yourself out for him again. Make a plan with your siblings.
Was he a good dad when you were growing up?

Hmmm, he was a good dad when my mum was alive. When he met wife #2, he immersed himself fully into her family.

His 2nd wife’s DC despise my siblings and I as they think we do nothing for him (that’s who he slags us off mainly to) whereas whenever it’s Christmas or he’s sick, you wont see them for dust,

He’s actually making my sibling ill with stress. It’s not right that someone this age should make so many people so miserable. Apologies for ageism.

This is what he enjoys- complaining. So let him. Let him position himself to the neighbours as abandoned and neglected. It’s his comfortable zone.

If the neighbours say anything laugh and tell them- yes, he had lots of offers! He was determined to stay home. Same with the chores- we tried to get a cleaner for him, but he won’t have it!

I have a similar situation. I deliberately cultivated her lovely neighbours and discreetly let them know the score.

It's odd that everyone believes his reports of you ignoring him , is he an excellent actor?
Surely people who know you don't swallow his lies?
If this thread is genuine I suggest you ignore him
All these random people can have him next Christmas.
PS of course this isn't normal behaviour for people of his age.

Good words to live by. It reads like an iteration of The Serenity Prayer recited at Alcholic Anonymous and similar meetings

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

It is genuine. In fact I’m giving you the short version!

My siblings, and close relatives know the real story. His neighbours and my step siblings think differently of us.

I did have a 2-hour coffee with one of his neighbours (who knows everyone) recently and I informed her about what we’d tried to do to make his life more comfortable (literally move him to bungalow or ground floor flat with garden in next street and help him do all the admin and move etc.) and he flat refused. Plus told her about Christmas offer every year.

🙄

Yeah - whatever you think 'is odd'.

@Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad your Dad sounds like an absolute Royal Pain in the Arse. Just because someone is old doesn't make them nice (I'm saying this for the benefit of some other posters)

Next year let him stew in his own juice. He could well live to be 105 and you don't want to do this for the next 20 odd years! Have a year off at least.

Well done! Keep that up. It will gradually become apparent to them all. I wouldn’t bother with the step DCs. They have a vested interest in believing him.

It's awful that your sibling is ill with the stress of it. What a horrible man he is. Make a plan of action with your siblings as to how to deal with him. Encourage your stressed sibling to talk things through and let go of any guilt.
Fuck him.

Elderly uncle complained about his lot to anyone who would listen to him . Tell people he was all alone and no family around . The reality is that he was visited daily by various relatives with his meals, shopped for , carers twice a day . He felt alone because all his contemporaries and his siblings were dead.
Anybody with any experience of elderly people know this is common . But he can be told that he needs to make an effort to be pleasant.

I can identify with the phone call thing. My dad pocket dialled me when he was in hospital and I overheard a whole woe is me tale about how hard done by he is, how awful I am etc etc. probably best thing to happen as it really hardened my resolve in dealing with him. If he became unpleasant I’d say tell him I don’t need this and leave. If I offered to do something or take him somewhere and he was negative I’d say that’s ok no problem instead of the cajoling, pacifying and letting things descend into arguments. Most importantly I realised that maybe I wasn’t being a particularly good daughter but I was a better one than he deserved. I made sure that those who mattered to me understood that, as for everyone else - if they fell for the woe is me act - well more fool them.

He sounds dreadful. Stop doing any cleaning or gardening. If he needs it doing find him a cleaner or gardener and he can pay.
I wouldn’t invite him next Christmas. How
far away does he live? I’d just say we’re not doing Xmas this year dad, so I’ll pop round Xmas Eve/Boxing Day with your gifts and have a coffee.

Perfectly nice and decent people are alone on Christmas Day. Your dad is the opposite of nice and decent yet he still gets invited. He badmouths you and your siblings on loud speaker in your own home.

Stop inviting him and let the toxic relative that he was speaking to have the pleasure of his company.

Your dad can only behave in this way because you accept it.

This is more than him just being elderly and a bit annoying. He is actively malevolent and cruel. Stop enabling him and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions.

He actually sounds vile. I know a lot of elderly relatives tend to repeat the same stories and go on about health, that's part of for the course. But being absolutely poisonous to you and your siblings, talking badly and telling lies about you in your own home - well, I'd be dropping the rope. Don't have him next year, visit him then leave, allow him to stew in his own juice. He's going to moan about you anyway whether you host him or not.

I am absolutely sick of this self indulgent, selfish man.

So I went to bed early on Christmas night and he had his door open and was on loud speaker with one of his ex wife’s DC. He basically slagged me and my family off and said he’s been put in a crap room and wasn’t comfortable. He’s been going to bed every night at 9pm, and getting up at 11am. Caller was listening and commenting “oh did she”, “oh that’s terrible etc.” I don’t like be MH referred to as “she” with a bitter tone.

So where is this woman this Christmas? Where was she when he had to be taken to doctor and hospital appointments? Nowhere. It was me and my sister.

I am so f*cking furious with him.

Yesterday my DHs family came over for lunch. Both his parents are unwell with nasty diseases (and don’t complain) and they hadn’t even sat down before he went off on a 45 minute rant about his every minute affliction, and then onto everyone else’s afflictions that they have and who’s in hospital and dying. Then, right in front of me he started talking about his step kids and how they are like his real children to him. I was deeply embarrassed as I know from previous conversations with my MIL, who is very “blood is everything”, because I know that she would think that was a really awful thing to say in front of me.

Anyway, I didn’t let this ruin my Christmas. It nearly did. One guest staying with me offered to leave as he was stressing DH and I out, but then stayed. My dad went to his room last night about 8pm and is still there. When I went to see if he wanted anything he was upset and sheepish because no one was paying him any attention.

I just cannot do this again.

There are some people who are absolutely skilled at manipulating others to meet their needs by playing on guilt and empathy. Your Dad sounds like one of those types. Once your realise you are best off putting in significant boundaries with them.