I posted about this previously but now it's worse and I need a good rant

[Chittychattymatty]

So I posted about getting engaged and not wanting my sister's boyfriend to attend. They've since had a child and my wedding is this coming summer. I'm rambling Because I can't complain anymore to my fiance or my friends. It's unfair to them and I've really let this all get under my skin way too much.
And I really need this rant.

I've avoided him for the last 18 months as much as possible. If it's a big family group I can bear it because there are a lot of people around. But things have only gotten worse for me. I normally attend Christmas with my mother and my kids. She lives alone and we've always had Christmas together. Usually it's my whole family (Siblings plus) but their families have grown in size so much, the last couple of years it's just been the four the us. This year in our sister group chat we were discussing Christmas day. My sister and the boyfriend wanted to have Christmas with my mam. However my mother has made it clear she took cannot stand this bf. None of my family can but some are better "passing themselves" more than others. Anyway she wanted dinner with my mam because she wanted Christmas with her family but wanted other people to come as buffers because her boyfriend was going to come and she's aware of how my mother feels about him. Her words. When my mother and I spoke my mother had agreed to hosting them because she was under the impression my kids and I would still come regardless. I said I would not be attending Christmas this year as I didn't want to spend it with him. My mother obviously relayed some of this information to my sister because she basically asked me straight out of her boyfriend wasn't coming would I be having dinner at home. I was caught of guard and said not exactly. They made other arrangements and went to his family and I had dinner with my mam. My mam is getting older now so I helped cook dinner as much as she would allow. She is a particular woman to say the least.

My sister and her boyfriend visited my mother that evening. And my sister basically listed out all the components of the dinner I was in charge of asking my mother how were they? Eh how was the ham? And the stuffing? Ect ect And it dawned on me that my sister is gone more like her boyfriend.

If I was to talk about individual events some are straight out nasty and others could be considered "him trying" but to be perfectly honest he is just overbearing and condensing.

He will never have a back and forth conversation. He just tells you things. It's hard to give an example but I still live in the town I was born in. So I am familiar with it all. He is only living in it about two years. But he'll tell me all about it like I've never been. And everything is the best thing ever.

When he asked my daughter about her Christmas present, one was a trip to London for three night. He basically just told her everywhere she had to go and see and do and getting stupid things up on his phone to show her. And it's not in a nice and interested way. It's an I know best way. It's all just too much for me now. It was my daughters birthday yesterday too. We took her out for a meal and I invited my mother and my sister (she's godmother) and obviously her boyfriend was invited too. I was willing to pass myself for the sake of my daughter and Christmas. But they basically came in. Shoved my kids out of their seats and just began to tell us things. No real back and forth conversation. The boyfriend spoke about how he found this delicious wine that we must try because we are going to love it. Insisted on looking it up on line to show us .... My fiance doesn't even bloody drink wine and said this during the conversation but it's just ignored.

I know I've rambled on but I'm just so annoyed and had to get it off my chest. Probably doesn't make sense but basically I'm really annoyed and pissed off that not only does she ignore these things about him. When he can be incredibly offensive she just thinks he can be a bit annoying and tries too hard. But now She's not turning into him!!! And I really just do not want to be around him at all but now that she's turning into him it just makes our relationship more strained . And I don't know what to do

Me too! So basically you just don’t like his personality? It actually sounds to me like he’s trying too hard - and maybe that’s a bit on how he’s been made to feel/backed into a corner?
Or maybe you’re quite similar to him and have met your match?
Either way just sit down as adults and talk it out!
You’ll get older and realise there’s a hell of allot more to be worried about than putting up with someone’s overbearing personality from time to time!

I usually would not suggests ND but the boyfriend sounds a lot like a friend of mine who is.
However my friend is aware that they can be obsessive and boring, and I know them well enough to let them know they're rambling on/talking shit. I have had the same thing about food - I asked why they wanted to know so much and it turned out to be related to a combination of sensory issues about texture, and concern about a food item they'd eaten in the past (after which they had been ill, which was unrelated to the food, but had obviously left some minor trauma).

As Pps have said, just minimise contact. He may or may not stay in your sister's life, but if you want to keep her in yours, you're going to accept he's part of the package.

The sister and her boyfriend changed their plans at Christmas to suit you. That sounds generous, not too self centred.

I thought he was abusing your sister, been to jail, a drunkard, a pdf file or something along those lines. I cant see anything dramatic in what you described - well, he is stuck up and boring, but so as a lot of other people. Your sister loves him, and your whole family ganged up on hating him - no wonder he acts weird, its like spending time in a wipers nest. He sounds a bit autistic tbh - probably cant read social situations too well. But it looks like he's trying. I think your family needs to make a bit more of an effort - or lose your sister completely. I actually wonder what she has to say about all this - I cant imagine how hard it must be when your family basically hates your partner so much they are prepared to exclude you from family gatherings.

What a lovely post and it's a credit to you and him.

My sister in law has a partner I wouldn"t want to spend time with but he loves her and supports her in everything and was a far better father to her kids than their bio dad.

Well he hasn’t done anything terrible. A lot of people are a bit like you describe him (I was married to one) and we all put up with it out of politeness or just change the subject. One thing I will say is that get worse as they get older so find some coping tactics. No need to be outright mean.

Im lost on what exactly the boyfriend has done.

would you be able to briefly bullet point the awful actions because I just cannot work it out.

Yeah, I thought that. I mean OP was practically boasting that she has lived in the same small town her whole life. Likes that's superior to having travelled.

It reminded me of when my ex-sil and db were househunting and ex-sil was excited about the house they decided on having a conservatory. My mum said she had ideas above her station 🙄

He sounds like he’s overbearing with his thoughts and likes the sound of his own voice, but what has he actually done?

you should be asking yourself, does he love my sister, does he care for her and does he treat her well.

thats my main thoughts when someone joins our family not their inability to hold a conversation.

So he's a self absorbed boorish numpty

You all need to learn some stock phrases

That's nice dear
No thanks, Im fine

That sort of thing.

From here it sounds as though you prefer the tension

Oh so what. Most people work all day with worse tossers than that. Whipping the phone out for recommendations is standard uncle behaviour.

Ok I've read back both my post and I've left some of the blatant ignorant comments he has mentioned in front of my sister who chooses to ignore it. I have two children from a previous relationship and I live in a social house. When he first came to my house and I mean the very first night. His comment was this is what two bangs get you. The first time I ignored him the second time he repeated it I told him that's not funny and he went on to say it a third time. I addressed it with my sister the next day and she acted like she didn't hear it but would get him to apologise. I said not to bother but don't talk about my personal life to him again. When I got engaged I received a beautiful gift of a photo from the location I got engaged. His comment on that was if we'd of known where we got engaged would be hanging in our home would we have chosen a nice place!!! She ignored that. If he is not talking to you. He is acting like a spoilt brat basically something you would expect from a teen . He'll sulk and go on his phone mid conversation

.

It's condescending, not condensing and caught off guard and not caught of guard.

I was caught of guard

but to be perfectly honest he is just overbearing and condensing.

Please put paragraphs in your post to make it easier for us to read.

It's condescending, not condensing and caught off guard and not caught of guard.

I was caught of guard

but to be perfectly honest he is just overbearing and condensing.

Please put paragraphs in your post to make it easier for us to read.

All of this is annoying but not worth losing your sister over. Just tell him to shut up and ignore him.

What has the man actually done that is so awful?

That's not the case at all. Our family find it incredibly difficult to have conversations with him about anything at all because he just talks at you. If we mention we were somewhere he would have been there and it was 10 times better when he was there or else he would point blank ignore you and continue talking you
I'll give an example of this so perhaps you can see it can be insufferable. My partner and I went to a new restaurant in town as did my sister and her bf not at the same time but within a week or so. I wanted to have an engagement dinner for my family to celebrate. I was talking about how I needed it somewhere relaxed because we have a lot of small children in our family. He suggested the new restaurant. I had said previously we didn't enjoy it but that was ignored. So I said again we actually very nicely we didn't enjoy the food and it wasn't a good place for young kids. It's a small narrow restaurant. Definitely an adults only vibe. He said it again that the food was really good and he loved it. It was the best restaurant in town. I said again that I didn't enjoy it at all. And again the third time he said my sister did step in and say hey they didn't like that restaurant. And he got up and left the table. The conversation was over because I didn't like the thing he said was brilliant.
He isn't all that nice the way he speaks to my sister either. But before the baby and the house I sat her down to have a conversation. We were very close. I explained the things I had observed and she understood where I was coming from but had an excuse for everything. So I said I would say no more too her because she obviously wants to choose him and she's perfectly fine to do so.

My other sister did the same with completely different examples and this too was ignored.

I understand it's not easy having a boyfriend the family dislike but it's because of his behaviour. Towards her and others. Not because we think we are better. We have welcomed all previous partners with open arms. We are accepting and understanding not everybody is the same nor are we under any illusion we are perfect or better than. But he walks in like he is above us. We have tried our best to open and kind but it proves difficult because he is relentless.

I'd give up OP, none of these posters are going to believe he is the problem and not you.

I don’t think that is the case at all. People have asked for instances of his awful behaviour that led to such extreme reactions from the op and her family. The response is it is his personality.

This.

My dh is completely non contact with his whole family because they are abusive and narcissistic. We’re talking serious abuse. This isn’t that. You just have to learn to suck it up and smile and nod for the sake of your sister.

He sounds awful I agree and I wouldn’t blame you for trying to avoid social situations with him as much as you can. Invite him to your wedding, pre warn the people you sit him with about what he’s like and ignore him! On your wedding day you have loads of people to speak to so if he comes over and starts boring at you, excuse yourself as there is a person you’ve not yet said hello to, or a thing you need to check with the caterers. If he tells you how great a thing is that implies your wedding is lacking in his opinion, just say “we’re happy with our choice / we like it / I’ll bear that in mind” or anything equally dull and evasive, then walk off to chat to someone else. You have to stop letting him push your buttons, you can choose to do that!!

It was my daughters birthday yesterday too. We took her out for a meal
How old is the daughter?

They basically came in. Shoved my kids out of their seats He physically shoved the children out of their seats? This is unacceptable. Was there not have enough seats at the table either?

The boyfriend spoke about how he found this delicious wine that we must try because we are going to love it. Insisted on looking it up on line to show us What a bastard!

OP, it’s clear from your specific examples that he is ignorant as well as egocentric with a need to look down on you.

It’s very sad for your sister and she may very well be in a coercive relationship, unable to talk honestly to him for fear of him losing his temper or sulking….or worse.

But the advice has to be much the same. If she wants to leave him, that will only happen when SHE is ready, not just because you and the family know he’s no good for her.

I would talk to her and tell her yet again, of your concerns for her and about him spoiling your wedding with his social ignorance and totally unacceptable, deeply offensive remarks and actions. Have the examples ready. Ask her if he is ever aggressive towards her. Try and be in her confidence as she may need help or at least somebody to talk to about it. Tell her the truth…that none of you want him at your wedding and will only tolerate his presence if he comes to you and your fiancée to admit the error of his ways and apologise for his crass and inappropriate behaviour.

I fear he won’t do that so be prepared to only include your sister and baby on the invitation. It will be her who has to face the repercussions of that so make sure plenty of support is around her.
Good luck!