I posted about this previously but now it's worse and I need a good rant

[Chittychattymatty]

So I posted about getting engaged and not wanting my sister's boyfriend to attend. They've since had a child and my wedding is this coming summer. I'm rambling Because I can't complain anymore to my fiance or my friends. It's unfair to them and I've really let this all get under my skin way too much.
And I really need this rant.

I've avoided him for the last 18 months as much as possible. If it's a big family group I can bear it because there are a lot of people around. But things have only gotten worse for me. I normally attend Christmas with my mother and my kids. She lives alone and we've always had Christmas together. Usually it's my whole family (Siblings plus) but their families have grown in size so much, the last couple of years it's just been the four the us. This year in our sister group chat we were discussing Christmas day. My sister and the boyfriend wanted to have Christmas with my mam. However my mother has made it clear she took cannot stand this bf. None of my family can but some are better "passing themselves" more than others. Anyway she wanted dinner with my mam because she wanted Christmas with her family but wanted other people to come as buffers because her boyfriend was going to come and she's aware of how my mother feels about him. Her words. When my mother and I spoke my mother had agreed to hosting them because she was under the impression my kids and I would still come regardless. I said I would not be attending Christmas this year as I didn't want to spend it with him. My mother obviously relayed some of this information to my sister because she basically asked me straight out of her boyfriend wasn't coming would I be having dinner at home. I was caught of guard and said not exactly. They made other arrangements and went to his family and I had dinner with my mam. My mam is getting older now so I helped cook dinner as much as she would allow. She is a particular woman to say the least.

My sister and her boyfriend visited my mother that evening. And my sister basically listed out all the components of the dinner I was in charge of asking my mother how were they? Eh how was the ham? And the stuffing? Ect ect And it dawned on me that my sister is gone more like her boyfriend.

If I was to talk about individual events some are straight out nasty and others could be considered "him trying" but to be perfectly honest he is just overbearing and condensing.

He will never have a back and forth conversation. He just tells you things. It's hard to give an example but I still live in the town I was born in. So I am familiar with it all. He is only living in it about two years. But he'll tell me all about it like I've never been. And everything is the best thing ever.

When he asked my daughter about her Christmas present, one was a trip to London for three night. He basically just told her everywhere she had to go and see and do and getting stupid things up on his phone to show her. And it's not in a nice and interested way. It's an I know best way. It's all just too much for me now. It was my daughters birthday yesterday too. We took her out for a meal and I invited my mother and my sister (she's godmother) and obviously her boyfriend was invited too. I was willing to pass myself for the sake of my daughter and Christmas. But they basically came in. Shoved my kids out of their seats and just began to tell us things. No real back and forth conversation. The boyfriend spoke about how he found this delicious wine that we must try because we are going to love it. Insisted on looking it up on line to show us .... My fiance doesn't even bloody drink wine and said this during the conversation but it's just ignored.

I know I've rambled on but I'm just so annoyed and had to get it off my chest. Probably doesn't make sense but basically I'm really annoyed and pissed off that not only does she ignore these things about him. When he can be incredibly offensive she just thinks he can be a bit annoying and tries too hard. But now She's not turning into him!!! And I really just do not want to be around him at all but now that she's turning into him it just makes our relationship more strained . And I don't know what to do

He has been places and done stuff. You don’t like that. He probably finds you and most of your family boring. Stuck in your ways maybe. Is he better spoken, more educated, makes you feel less of yourself? That’s not his fault, he can’t dumb himself down to please you.

I’d be going full Michael Caine and say ‘not many people know that.’ Every time.

Or as my dsis did to dm’s know it all bf when he began another sentence with ‘Did you know?’
Dsis gave him a withering look and said, No, but I feel sure you’re going to tell me.

Tell family members not to mention them to you eg why was DM telling you she asked how the ham was cooked? You are wanting everyone in a them and us situation. Just never discuss them.

You are going on to your fiancé and friends so much about this that it’s becoming annoying. This is not worth your headspace. Some people find it difficult when new people join a family, I wonder if you are like that.

Nothing you have said suggests he’s a bad man, just annoying. But you’re also annoying your loved ones now and making your mum choose between her daughters at Christmas. That is a complete overreaction and really unfair.

It is more than just a crashing bore. The whole atmosphere, the whole room , is dominated and ruined by them.

This. I have a relative like this. It is more than being dull. With her there it is almost impossible to have other conversations. It is just her there, transmitting.

I can’t work out what he’s done wrong aside from being a bit boring and socially awkward. It honestly sounds from your description like your poor sister is stuck in the middle between a partner who isn’t hugely likeable to some and a family who are really rude and rigid.

Have you missed out a bit of relevant information on what he’s actually done to be so hated?

I think you need to work on your tolerance and try being kinder and more understanding to him and more so your sister who is being alienated from her family by this situation.

Narcissism is a completely overused term. Are you a psychologist?

To be honest you sound like a massive bore ranting on to your friends and fiance about this man. And not wanting to invite him to your wedding?? He doesn’t sound that offensive and you probably need to reflect and become more tolerant of other people as it’s only going to make your life difficult.

You are a really particular person too and you are being unkind about your sister’s boyfriend. He has dreadful social skills but is enthusiastic and positive. I was gutted when my best mate got together with an ugly, boring, know it all. Decades later he has been the most supportive and loving partner through huge life events. I am embarrassed by my youthful judgements that were petty twatish. He is still annoying but I love him!

Yabvu.
What has he done? Nothing.
You just don’t like him - Fair enough.
He sounds like he has lived a life & been other places & done more things than you have & when he tells you, you get offended?
It sounds like when he speaks it makes you feel inadequate. That isn’t his fault though, it sounds like a clash of personalities.
From everything you say he isn’t abusive or offensive so I do not understand why you are letting someone you don’t like get under your skin so much. Do you think it’s worth falling out with your sister over this.
In my opinion you should invite him to your wedding as he hasn’t actually done anything wrong thats worth the fall out.

My friend is in a similar situation, she can't stand her sisters husband, he also hates her as she's not as easy to please as others, for example he knows she won't fall for his manipulative ways, he acts like his head of the family, although she's got a dad and brothers. He has turned her sister against her too and he decides whether she gets to see their children (although 1 child is not his, and he doesn't like him, but still controls when she gets to see him) she gets so annoyed as he has ruined many family events. The rest know it too, but they play happy families as not to upset him, because they all know he is big cry baby and makes a big deal of it, and his wife has to always side with him, so the rest just comply. My friend avoids him where possible but if meeting down their parents she just says hi and gets on with socialising with others and ignores him for the rest of the time like he doesn't exist...he too is very petty he doesn't even say hi to her completely blanks her...but she said she's passed caring and it doesn't effect her even when her sister does the same.
So OP you can't change who he is so just do the minimum and stay calm in situations where you're all together. Stay civil for the sake of it.

You don't like him, so don't invite either of them.
Simple.

😂

So you’ve let him ruin the run up to your wedding and now you’re letting him ruin Christmas.

I think you should try reading “let them”.

I was in a performance with an audience of a couple of hundred recently. We were a group of experienced amateurs, who know how things work, getting together without rehearsing. Not an uncommon approach in this field. One know-it-all turned up for the first time. The director explained the performance details and asked if they knew the method we were using, by name (it's not unusual for people with the right skills to know it by heart). They insisted they did. Too late it turned out they knew only a basic, simpler method and had not realised there was anything more sophisticated. They wrecked the whole thing, and turned it into a rescue operation for the rest of us.

You saying you weren’t going to your mothers on Christmas so that they went somewhere else then you do go around there like a Cheshire Cat seems quite manipulative to me. Sounds like you don’t get on with BF because you are too similar and don’t like sharing the attention in conversations.

From what you’ve shared, I suspect I’d rather have lunch with him than with you.

Sarcasm is your friend here. I’d turn this into a game. “Wow, I didn’t know that despite having lived here 20 years” “Thank you for schooling me on wine Nigel, my life is now complete” “May I interject into your soliloquy on Rome”

or you just tell him he needs to stop dominating every conversation.

I can't see, from what you have said, what he is doing wrong. He took an interest in your daughter's trip to London and showed her some places she might like to visit. That is a kind thing to do.
If all he is guilty of is being a mansplaining bore then you really have very little to worry about. I genuinely thought you were going to say he was a drug dealing violent thug!

😆

My Mum met a man after she'd split with Dad, and my god he was the most boring waffler I've ever met in my life. But we took the attitude that for some reason, Mum was happy with him so we just switched off to it and made sure that we never gave him a chance to have the floor. We became experts in changing conversation.

You don't have to like him, OP, but as long as your sister does, you have to accept his place in your family. He sounds harmless, tbh and just irritating.

Nope where did I say was?
Thats why I used the words sounds like.

I actually think you're the problem.

YABU, it sounds like this man isn’t bad at all, just a very poor conversationalist. He’s annoying, but he hasn’t actually done anything that deserves shunning.

He sounds like he’s trying to bond by being enthusiastic about things he thinks you’ll enjoy, and getting it wrong because he struggles to separate what he likes himself from what other people like.

It’s not a crime to have poor social and conversation skills, and doesn’t necessarily make him arrogant or a know it all. If he didn’t care what you thought, he wouldn’t be taking his time to show you things that he thinks will benefit you.

You really should be more tolerant. You needlessly ostracising him and making your sister’s life difficult makes you are far worse person than he is.