F*caked up xmas

Blinkingbother · 2025-12-24T20:48:04+00:00

I know I have another thread going. Dh has I just lost it with me because I spilt some food whilst serving him- it just fell on the side, not on him and wasn’t on purpose. He says I deliberately made a mess of his food? FUCK. Teenage children bewildered, I’ve had to run & hide…but really…. He’s finally shown his unreasonable arse hasn’t he? How can I be blamed for accidentally spilling his food? All others now eating in silence. I have nowhere to go and he has all the £. Don’t ever be a sahm - you think it’s fine, it’s not, ever. It takes away any agency you may have in your life forever.

holachicatita · 24/12/2025 20:50

You've had to run and hide? OP that's not right, what about the teenagers, where are the, are you safe? I'd start to get my ducks in a row if I were you

Original poster

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 20:56

There are no ducks - he has everything in his power, there is nothing in mine - I’ve been denied access to everything for a while. Kids ok - youngest just came to find me - isn’t it awful they said “he’s mad for no reason, sorry”… they’ve gone to get ready for bed…I gave them a hug told them it’s ok but they must know really…

OP posts:

gamerchick · 24/12/2025 20:59

You need a plan. You have teens, I'm assuming you don't have littlies.

Maybe it's time to get some of your own coin. Start there. He can't stop you getting a job.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 24/12/2025 21:00

gamerchick · 24/12/2025 20:59

You need a plan. You have teens, I'm assuming you don't have littlies.

Maybe it's time to get some of your own coin. Start there. He can't stop you getting a job.

Absolutely, even if they are young if over 3 you’ll get free childcare.
get back to work and reduce your dependence on him

Cadenza12 · 24/12/2025 21:01

He'd have been wearing it if it was me. Get legal advice in the New year.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/12/2025 21:02

Do you have a job? If not you need to get one. And start working towards leaving. It won’t happen overnight but knowing you have a goal you are working towards will carry you through.

Focus on getting out.

Dramatic · 24/12/2025 21:03

You can get on the council list secretly to get away from him, I'd look in to it in the new year if I was you

HuskyNew · 24/12/2025 21:07

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 20:56

There are no ducks - he has everything in his power, there is nothing in mine - I’ve been denied access to everything for a while. Kids ok - youngest just came to find me - isn’t it awful they said “he’s mad for no reason, sorry”… they’ve gone to get ready for bed…I gave them a hug told them it’s ok but they must know really…

Of course they know. They know he’s horrible to you. And probably to them. And soon enough they’ll know that you could & should have left him.

if you are married you are entitled to assets, it doesn’t matter who’s name they are in. Please see a solicitor

Original poster

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:07

Thanks - i had a plan - got a new (professional based) degree - but I’m not sure anyone wants to hire a washed up late 40s something- I’ve been trying, think I may have to try and work for free for work experience... My confidence is gone. I am worthless to society really… Kids all fine (ish) - I can hear they’ve eaten and all retreated to their rooms. He won’t ever accept he’s in the wrong.

OP posts:

somanychristmaslights · 24/12/2025 21:09

I would rather live in a bedsit with my kids than live in a home like that. The poor kids and what this is doing to them. Can you speak to any friends/ family that can help?

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/12/2025 21:11

Its nothing to do with you really. This is him being stressed. He could have grown up with a mum who insisted on clean clothes and freaked out if his clothes got dirty. Or had a mum who put a lot of effort into the art of serving! There can be a lot of expectation, build up and exhaustion too surrounding this one day. I would help calm things down since it's Christmas eve. You can address it again after Christmas if it's an ongoing thing. Happy Christmas by the way 🎄

PurpleSky300 · 24/12/2025 21:12

I'm sorry, OP. Terrible and it doesn't sound like the first time this sort of thing has happened. You are entitled to half the marital assets, so he doesn't have all the power. Although if your kids are teenagers, you're not a SAHM anymore realistically and will need a job.

Lavender14 · 24/12/2025 21:14

You need to contact womans aid op. Plenty of women lean on them when they have no access to money and they help a lot. You also have entitlements as a wife which would come your way if you divorced. You can call the domestic violence helpline/ womens aid and they will help you navigate a way out and accommodation etc and help you get back on your feet. All those feelings you have about noone wanting you and all that nonsense- that is his voice in your head. Don't give him any more power. The best gift you can give yourself and your kids is leaving him and starting afresh. It's not easy but if you're committed it's absolutely doable.

Radiosn · 24/12/2025 21:17

OP, what do you mean he has all the control?
Read up on the new crume of Coercive Control.
Does it ring a bell?
If it does please think about ringing 101 for advice and ask for the domestic abuse/coercive control officers.
Contact Women's aid asap or any domestic abuse charities.

He is a house terrorist.
You can get help.
If you repirt to the police you may be eligible for legal aid.

Investigate, educate yourself and we are here for you.
Divorce is your friend here.
Get photos of any paperwork and we can guide you.
This doesn't have to be your story.
Tell everyone he is abusing you and your children are witnesses to it.
That is emotional abuse of your children.

Lavender14 · 24/12/2025 21:18

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/12/2025 21:11

Its nothing to do with you really. This is him being stressed. He could have grown up with a mum who insisted on clean clothes and freaked out if his clothes got dirty. Or had a mum who put a lot of effort into the art of serving! There can be a lot of expectation, build up and exhaustion too surrounding this one day. I would help calm things down since it's Christmas eve. You can address it again after Christmas if it's an ongoing thing. Happy Christmas by the way 🎄

@teabiscuitsnaptime are you for real? No. This is straightforward domestic abuse. Its not due to stress. It's not because his mum was a melter or particular about serving or anything else. It's because he wants to abuse and control op and have her running about after him working hard to meet all his needs and reducing the work in the relationship he needs to do himself. This is not appropriate or safe advice for someone in ops situation.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/12/2025 21:22

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/12/2025 21:11

Its nothing to do with you really. This is him being stressed. He could have grown up with a mum who insisted on clean clothes and freaked out if his clothes got dirty. Or had a mum who put a lot of effort into the art of serving! There can be a lot of expectation, build up and exhaustion too surrounding this one day. I would help calm things down since it's Christmas eve. You can address it again after Christmas if it's an ongoing thing. Happy Christmas by the way 🎄

What the fuck?

OP no doubt has her stresses too. Why does this (imaginary) background context give him a free pass to be an abusive arse? And why should the OP and her kids walk on eggshells around his failure to grow up and deal with being an adult?

IceIceSlippyIce · 24/12/2025 21:25

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:07

Thanks - i had a plan - got a new (professional based) degree - but I’m not sure anyone wants to hire a washed up late 40s something- I’ve been trying, think I may have to try and work for free for work experience... My confidence is gone. I am worthless to society really… Kids all fine (ish) - I can hear they’ve eaten and all retreated to their rooms. He won’t ever accept he’s in the wrong.

You absolutely ARE worth it. You just need to find a company that can see you for what you have - and when you find them, they are special.
I've done it - come back from being a SAHM.
Frankly, companies who can't see your worth aren't worth working for.

You will gain a massive amount of confidence if you can get a plan in place to get rid of the abusive idiot you call a husband.

I hope 2026 is your year xxx

SpreadsheetWars · 24/12/2025 21:26

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:07

Thanks - i had a plan - got a new (professional based) degree - but I’m not sure anyone wants to hire a washed up late 40s something- I’ve been trying, think I may have to try and work for free for work experience... My confidence is gone. I am worthless to society really… Kids all fine (ish) - I can hear they’ve eaten and all retreated to their rooms. He won’t ever accept he’s in the wrong.

They knwo and that shoukd be enough for you to do what's necessary. The trauma they will carry...

gamerchick · 24/12/2025 21:35

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:07

Thanks - i had a plan - got a new (professional based) degree - but I’m not sure anyone wants to hire a washed up late 40s something- I’ve been trying, think I may have to try and work for free for work experience... My confidence is gone. I am worthless to society really… Kids all fine (ish) - I can hear they’ve eaten and all retreated to their rooms. He won’t ever accept he’s in the wrong.

Behave! If you've got the stones to get a degree, you've got them to find something to do with it.

If you want to build confidence then find something voluntary. Be around the world again outside of the house. It'll come.

Ophy83 · 24/12/2025 21:43

After Christmas go see a solicitor. You are entitled to at least half of everything he has including his pension. Take that, get a job (any job) and go from there

Sprogonthetyne · 24/12/2025 21:48

Go on a benefits calculator like turn to us, see what you might be entitled to while you look for work. Money will be tight, but it sounds like you currently don't have access to any, so even benefit could be better then this financial abuse.

Speak to the local council, if you are fleeing domestic abuse, you are classed as homeless (you don't have a safe home), so the council has a responsibility to find you and the children somewhere. Depending where you live, it might be temporary accommodation for a long time, but at least you'd be free.

Original poster

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:50

I think this is the first time in many years they’ve been witness to it. Still not ok. Youngest has dragged me into bed with her & a film (bride hard?!🙈), eldest came & was weird mix of concerned/ jovial with us and now gone to bed, middle will always be fine… Yes, I need to get a job, I know, I’m trying. I’m actually f-ing solid - I don’t care where I live or how hard I have to physically or mentally work my priority is the kids…. They have slightly higher expectations😬… and I just need to get the confidence to approach people for experience!

OP posts:

BananaramaNananana · 24/12/2025 21:54

You have more than you think. If he's really a dh and not a partner then you have far more agency in terms of claim on finances. You are not washed up; you are an incredible intelligent woman with a degree and lovely children who happens to have a nasty controlling soon to be ex husband in tow if that's what you want. New year means you do things for you; you contact womans aid or your local domestic abuse program. You find out about career opportunities. You check "entitled to", you find out whether your home is joint tenancy (if rented in husband's sole name it's easier for you to move without being liable for rent) or jointly owned (if owned/mortgaged it doesn't matter if in your husband's sole name as it's classed as a matrimonial asset). You get clued up on legalities re divorce and children (lots of info here and elsewhere). You can then make an informed decision; treat it as one of your uni assignments and be dispassionate about it. Then decide what you want to do. This doesn't need to define you or your children even if it feels like this right now. Best wishes.

Dollybantree · 24/12/2025 21:56

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 24/12/2025 21:11

Its nothing to do with you really. This is him being stressed. He could have grown up with a mum who insisted on clean clothes and freaked out if his clothes got dirty. Or had a mum who put a lot of effort into the art of serving! There can be a lot of expectation, build up and exhaustion too surrounding this one day. I would help calm things down since it's Christmas eve. You can address it again after Christmas if it's an ongoing thing. Happy Christmas by the way 🎄

Wtf?

CatAsstrophe · 24/12/2025 22:00

Blinkingbother · 24/12/2025 21:50

I think this is the first time in many years they’ve been witness to it. Still not ok. Youngest has dragged me into bed with her & a film (bride hard?!🙈), eldest came & was weird mix of concerned/ jovial with us and now gone to bed, middle will always be fine… Yes, I need to get a job, I know, I’m trying. I’m actually f-ing solid - I don’t care where I live or how hard I have to physically or mentally work my priority is the kids…. They have slightly higher expectations😬… and I just need to get the confidence to approach people for experience!

You underestimate your children. They'll have seen it/felt it. Regularly.

Children in households where there is abuse know what's going on. It's absorbed. Rot sets in and it can take years to unravel, if at all. Trust me. I am one of those casualties.

You need to leave asap. Seek legal advice. Go to Women's Aid. Approach your local homeless service. Claim Universal Credit. Actively seek employment. Anything! Get out and protect the emotional well-being of your children.