to be very upset about my dad’s behaviour on Christmas

[LorettaY]

My parents have been divorced for years and as a result I spend Christmas with other year. But we still met last week to have our own celebration.

first I’ve had the year from hell - 4 bereavements, laid off, partner left. Diagnosed with depression and been in therapy for months.

Tonight while I’m relaxing with family he
messages and ask if I sent him a Christmas card. I said sorry I didn’t manage this year (because these kinds of small tasks have fallen by the wayside). Said he’ll get one next year.

He went on a huge guilt trip about how could I, he’s my father, how stressful is it to do something simple. I again said I’ve had depression and I’ve been overwhelmed and then he sent a nasty reply. I ended up in floods of tears and a relative messaged asking him to stop and he replied stay out of it!

we’ve always had a good relationship and I’m honestly floored by how nasty he has been. He has ruined my Christmas Eve.

I spent Christmas with him every other year*

we also met last week to have our own Christmas Day.

Turn your phone off and ignore him now.

You're not going to change how he feels so the conversation may as well wait until after Christmas. He hasn’t ruined your Christmas yet, just eve.

@Anewuser it’s the fact he knew I was visiting family and so looking forward to a relaxing time.

and yet he chooses tonight to start an argument. He could’ve mentioned the card thing at another time. It’s totally unacceptable. He’s got no regard for the impact on my mental health this year at all.

I’d just reply “Don’t be so bloody ridiculous” but when you’ve had a shit year like that it will hit harder.

Is he alone drinking or something?

He sounds selfish and frankly cruel to take that line on Xmas eve evening. Is he lonely and pissed, and spoiling for a fight/attention?

There’s nothing you can do about it now, other than push it to the back of your mind. Maybe mute him in case he decides to go for round two tomorrow, and try and enjoy your time as much as possible with the family. hope the new year brings good things your way

He’s trying to guilt you into spending the day with him. If he can’t be happy, he wants you to be unhappy too.

He’s entitled to be upset that you didn’t send him a card (you could have given him one last week when you saw him). You have a valid reason why you didn’t send him one.

His behaviour over it is unacceptable - is he spending Christmas alone and upset about it? Has he been drinking? I suggest you block him for a few days until he calms down and apologises, that way he can’t call you or send anymore messages.

@OriginalUsername2 and @Pineapplewaves he doesn’t drink (unless that has changed) but he is alone. He split up with his ex last year.

being alone and feeling sorry for himself doesn’t give him a reason to berate me and ruin my Christmas Eve.

im not going to respond to him now but it’s given me food for thought. Not good.

Also me missing the card giving for one year is not an excuse for him to behave in this way. I was at breaking point and even seeing him on that day took a lot.

i then said he’d get a next card next time and he replies ‘just don’t bother’. It’s not on.

Cards are a waste of time, money and paper. Don’t feel guilty, you saw him last week, who cares about a card.
if block him for a few days so you can enjoy yourself and not have to worry about him. Focus on yourself and have a lovely Christmas x

@somanychristmaslights exactly. He messages saying ‘I’ve told you before I’d rather have a card then any gift’. Ok? Well this year I didn’t manage it. I manage it every other year.

i agree with others saying he’s lonely and punishing me.

i frankly don’t want to speak him tomorrow but family is urging me to call him on Christmas. He’s not apologised.

I would block him for the next few days at least. How unkind of him to have a go at you over something so ridiculous 🙄 it's a bloody card! I hope he apologises to you when he's calmed down.

@Endofyear this has been the worst year of my life. Hands down. He knows how hard it has been.

and yet he does this on Christmas Eve - I think if he doesn’t apologise or doubles down I will find it difficult to move on from this.

Would I be wrong to not wish him Merry Christmas tomorrow?

given the lack of apology.

I'm sick of reading about family members being really mean to other members and then thinking there are no consequences and their pathetic and nasty behaviour should just be overlooked because they are family.
He was really mean to you at a tough time for you over a fecking Christmas card. And it's you worrying about if you need to say happy Christmas to him with or without an apology.
Why do these toxic individuals think their little temper tantrums and bad behaviour should have such a massive impact on their families. Just ignore him and leave him to stew in his own self entitled little world.

@ClareBlue thank you. I agree with everything you said and feel glad someone else sees it!

other relatives saying I should wish him happy Christmas is fine but I don’t think I can bring myself to do that. I worry he’ll use ‘didn’t even wish me happy Christmas’ as another stick to beat me with though.

im very sad. I’ve made such progress in therapy and then my own father makes me unravel on Xmas eve. Feel so let down.

Let him contact you. Hopefully with an apology!

Personally that’s what I’d do and if I heard nothing over Christmas I’d call after a few days and ask what all that nonsense was about on Christmas Eve.

In the grand scheme of things you say he’s been a good dad, so I don’t think it’s a “go no contact” situation but I’d definitely want him to know I don’t take too kindly to ridiculous behaviour like that.

So you had an early Christmas Day with him last week, gave him gifts, and tonight he is berating you for not giving him a card? This is ridiculous. Most people I know don’t do cards at all. What a mean-spirited man. Does he treat you appallingly in other ways, too?

Text him ‘Merry Christmas xxx’ then turn your phone off and have a lovely day.

If he was a decent parent he'd be more worrying about you and what support you need rather than selfishly focusing on what he can get from you. Yanbu but it's not your job to fix him or teach him how to be a good person. You don't need his approval if his approval requires you to prioritise giving him stuff over your own physical and mental wellbeing. Keep on as you are, you aren't doing anything wrong and it's totally ok to not do cards if it's too much

I am going to wish him Merry Christmas by message and leave it at that. I don’t feel like phoning him now.

We almost had a big fallout 5 years ago when he was nasty. I told him then if he kept on our relationship was in jeopardy.

Merry Christmas everyone.

This. He's behaving like a self-centred petulant toddler. Probably in drink.

Block him for today, and unblock him tomorrow.

You don't have to maintain a relationship with someone who treats you like shit, just because his sperm helped create you

I would just text back your childish behaviour now insures no Christmas card ever again

He hasn’t apologised. He replied to my Christmas message with a similar greeting though.

im not going to grey rock quite yet but I won’t forget this and won’t be in a rush to meet up with him as much in future.